Let’s face it; no one wants to be criticized, but constructive criticism can be a positive tool when delivered correctly. Although it’s natural to dislike criticism, a growth-oriented person will come to appreciate and value it.

At the end of his life, as recorded in the opening of Deuteronomy, Moses admonished the people for their past transgressions by alluding to them or simply recalling where they occurred. For example, he alluded to the sin of the Golden Calf as di zahav1 (“much gold”). These two words transmitted a powerful message. Recognizing the value of a veiled reference attests to how well Moses knew and understood his audience. Rather than deliver a lengthy diatribe, he maximized his impact by minimizing his words.

We can emulate Moses by choosing our words wisely and speaking succinctly. The art of giving constructive criticism requires practice just like any other skill.

And when we are criticized, let us recall that we all have rough edges that need smoothing out. Our close friends and loved ones often see them more clearly than co-workers or acquaintances. Constructive criticism can increase our own, and others, self-awareness and wisdom, but we must be open to it. In the words of King Solomon, “Don’t criticize a fool, for he will hate you. Criticize a wise man, and he will love you.”2

How does one transform a fool into a wise man? Constructive criticism is distinguished from destructive criticism by how the remarks are presented and how they are perceived by the recipient. What must we know in order to take criticism well and constructively deliver it to others?

Pointers for Giving Constructive Criticism

  • Focus on building up the other person and respecting their dignity.
  • Don’t deliver put-downs intended to inflict pain or insult; these will be rejected. Avoid personal attacks and never shame.
  • Be mindful of your emotions and your timing. Moses waited until the end of his life. Bide your time and speak when you and the recipient are both ready.
  • Avoid offering feedback to a person who isn’t willing or ready to receive it.
  • Clarify that the rebuke is about the situation and not about the person.
  • Don’t fall prey to overkill. Like Moses, speak briefly and to the point.
  • Rather than focusing on what another is doing wrong, tell the person what he or she should do differently.
  • Start by complimenting or acknowledging something positive that the person has done so that they’ll be more receptive to your suggestion for change.
  • End with an encouraging statement, placing your criticism between the two.
  • Only speak if you are motivated by genuine concern and care.

Pointers for Receiving Criticism

  • Try to keep your composure.
  • Take time to process and consider how the criticism can be used for your personal growth.
  • Avoid a combative reaction, especially if the admonishment is coming from someone who cares about you.
  • The best response to criticism is to express appreciation, such as: “Thanks for pointing this out to me. I value your feedback. I’ll work on it.” Such a response creates an atmosphere of cooperation and prevents confrontation.

The Torah portion of Devarim is read on the Shabbat preceding Tisha B’Av—the date on which both Holy Temples were destroyed. The Talmud states the reason for the destruction of the Temple was that people failed to rebuke one another.3

What does the Talmud mean by this? Maimonides explains that the driving force for criticizing others should be your love for them and your desire that they don’t hurt themselves.4

Most of us only criticize the behavior of others when it bothers us, not when it’s harmful to them. We may ignore the actions of family and friends that are clearly detrimental to them, but we’ll rush into action if they do or say something that is disruptive to us.

The Talmud is reminding us that we didn’t care enough to prevent others from harming themselves. Such behavior epitomizes baseless hatred, which the Talmud lists as the reason that the Second Temple was destroyed.5

Making It Relevant

  1. Recognize that your tone of voice, facial expressions and body language, as well as your actual words, matter. They can cause your criticism to be received positively or negatively.
  2. Picture this scenario: At a public gathering, you notice that someone you know has a large stain or a hole on the back of their clothing. What would you do?

    3. – Mind your own business and say nothing;

    – Approach the person and privately tell them about the problem;

    – Scream across the room something to the effect of, “You’ve got a big stain/hole in your clothes. You look like a slob;”

    – Point it out to your friends and laugh and snicker behind the person’s back.

    (And what would you want someone to do if it was you with the stain/hole?)

  3. Make yourself into King Solomon’s wise person who recognizes the value of criticism. Then share your wisdom with others, by offering criticism in a loving, positive and sensitive way.