What to Do When Others Disappoint

Dear Rachel,

My sister forgot my birthday again. Every year we celebrate hers, and every year she forgets mine. I’m livid with frustration at her thoughtlessness.

Frustrated

Dear Rachel,

My husband knows how important being on time is to me, and yet he’s always late. Last week, we arrived barely in time for the wedding reception of my boss’s daughter. I was so embarrassed! Why won’t he learn?

Humiliated

Dear Rachel,

Every time my son brings home a report card, I tense up. It invariably says the same thing: “Can try harder; isn’t living up to his potential; needs to make more effort.” Nothing I do or say makes any difference.

Disappointed

Dear Rachel,

I just spent another frustrating morning with my mother. Although I spend all morning chauffeuring her all over town and helping her with errands and appointments, all she does is complain! Why can’t she ever just say “thank you?”

Hurt

Dear Rachel,

My daughter is very disorganized, and I’m very organized. She never listens to me when I give her suggestions to help her. I offer to sit with her and help her make some order in her life, yet she balks. How is she ever going to be independent?

Worried

When I get letters like this, I feel like writing the person back ...

Dear So and So, This person has been doing the same thing for a long time. Stop expecting them to change!

But I don’t because I do the same thing. Ironically, people have as much trouble letting go of expectations as other people have of changing. Hoping someone else will change is like feeding someone else and hoping you’ll stop being hungry. It’s also more complicated when it involves family members because we can’t avoid the situations that come up which irritate us.

Each of us is in this world to do a tikkun—to change one or more character traits that are hard to change. It is everyone’s own individual work.

So while those around you may or may not be working to change, let’s examine four productive things you can do to help you deal with your family members’ foibles:

1. Acknowledge the good.

Your mother, sister, husband, son, daughter have good points despite their lack in the area that bothers you the most. Your son may not be a budding scholar, but he takes the garbage down and kisses you good night with a big hug; your daughter may be disorganized, but she’s a good friend and helps you when you need her most; your husband is late because he’s out working. Make a list of all their good points and praise them at least as much as you harp on their failings. People increase what you reinforce.

2. Take responsibility for what’s yours and let go of what isn’t.

Other than your children, whom you have a responsibility to educate properly, how punctual, grateful or organized another person is isn’t your problem, and there’s nothing you can do about it. You can request that someone talk nicely to you or make arrangements to arrive at an event separately so you’re not dependent on another person, and you can improve the character traits within yourself that are important to you, but you can’t take responsibility for someone else’s behavior. Consider it a detour you have to maneuver around.

3. Show appreciation even for what’s not perfect.

Thank your husband for coming to the wedding with you; buy your son a small gift for his report card even though it’s not perfect; throw a surprise party for your sister’s next birthday; take your mother out to lunch on your next jaunt. Show appreciation for the people you love, even if they are not perfect. Focus on your acts of giving instead of their acts of not necessarily doing the same.

4. If you must deal with an issue, don’t spend more than five minutes discussing it.

Time yourself. Then move on. Don’t get caught up in an argument. State what you feel, you want, you need, and not what the other person has to do. “I can’t talk while I’m driving, I need to concentrate on the road.” “I need to be on time for the meeting, so I’m leaving a bit earlier.” “I’m going out with a few friends for my birthday, and I would like you to join us.”

“Love your friend as yourself” (Leviticus 19:18). We can still love someone even if we don’t always like their behavior. While you don’t have to accept unacceptable behavior as far as it compromises you, your love shouldn’t be conditional or dependant on any specific behavior. One flaw doesn’t have to destroy your whole relationship with the person unless you let it.

And yes, don’t expect people to change.

Empathetically,

Rachel

By Rosally Saltsman

Rosally Saltsman offers Creative Consulting sessions via Zoom, providing creative, out-of-the-box solutions to people's personal and professional opportunities and challenges. She is the author of Bashert - Inspiring, True Stories About “Finding” Your Soulmate. Her new book: 100 Life Lessons I've Learned So You Don't Have To is available for purchase in both hard copy and digital formats. Rosally's books are available on Amazon.

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10 Comments

jim dallas July 5, 2018

sometimes i wonder...could it be that each of us IS moschiach and that by each of us learning to treat one another from the point of view of the realization that Hashem has indeed brought the era long desired and now we can begin to OURSELVES change from the unacceptable mode of life-conduct to one of the new perspective of being new ourselves and give His Peace a decent chance? just a thot, or maybe, simply an alternative till He does bring moschiach...how long can we continue to say 'oh well' ? Hashem be with us ALL! Reply

Wahwassuck Walkeen July 5, 2018

I love this story. I can relate. Relationships are frustrating and hard. I also get caught up with people's behavior that bothers me spiritually,emotionally, mentally and physically. I fight with myself and my relationships. Reply

Alan S. New York July 4, 2018

Dina makes excellent comments. Yasher Koach to her for her fair and honorable responses. My response is less sweet as it applies to the first letter.
I think the above letters have one thing in common save for the first. The first letter shows the forgetful sister to be so self-absorbed, she can't/won't remember another's birthdate, worse because this 'other' always celebrates hers.

To the sister that always remembers: stop being a doormat. What's good here is that you need not say anything. Yes, I think my response is a bit childish and a bit chintzy, but until you show a backbone, this will happen again and again.

The other letters all reflect a largely inconsiderate person, and there is little one can do to change the innate nature of this sort of person. Dina's answers are excellent. Reply

Brenda S Dubin Flushing July 4, 2018

Seems like a paradigm shift is needed. It simply means to make a change in your behavior which can cause someone else's behavior to change.

For example, is there a meeting that your husband must show up to on time? Perhaps something with his boss? If so why don't you arrive LATE? The idea isn't to be nasty but to show your husband how you feel when he arrives late at a function important to you.

About the disorganized daughter; she is counting on her mother to be organized. So how about mom NOT being prepared/organized regarding something important to daughter, again to show daughter how not having an organized mom as a safety net feels.

Another type of paradigm shift would be NOT to complain/nag/advise any one to change. Let them 'learn' for themselves. People expect you to complain and if you don't you may be surprised.

Yes, It is much harder to change your approach when its a family member Reply

Dr. Lyone Ohio July 4, 2018

I am trying to work on this very same issue lately. For me, it is a big help to remember that I won't always have these people around. Life is very short and it is going by quickly. Every time I feel myself getting frustrated or angry, I try to remind myself that I am wasting precious time (and emotion) that I will not get back. Reply

Alan Klein New Jersey July 3, 2018

I was going to complain about your suggestions but thought otherwise. :) Reply

jdv July 2, 2018

Excellent! Reply

Dina July 1, 2018

In addition, start setting yourself up for success!

Instead of waiting for your sister to acknowledge your birthday, invite her for a small get-together in honor of your special day.

If your husband is always late, consider leaving before him and letting him come on his own time, or planning to go a half hour earlier than you would otherwise go.

If your son never "tries hard" enough, look for a different area of his report card or behavior to focus on, and celebrate that success.

If your mom doesn't say thank you, start expressing your appreciation for being able to spend time with her.

If your daughter is disorganized, look for a different benchmark to notice. And let her own her disorganization! You can allow her to make mistakes and learn from them on her own. Reply

bramh mishra houston July 3, 2018

in response to Dina:

We should not expect others to change so that it just suits us. If others are 49% in compliance with your wishes and expectations that's great.
The whole world could not be the same or it may not be livable here at all Reply

Alison Portland, Oregon July 6, 2018

in response to Dina:

I am confused...Rachel included all of these ideas in HER response to the letter writers.. Not sure of the point of your comment? Reply

1. Acknowledge the good.

2. Take responsibility for what’s yours and let go of what isn’t.

3. Show appreciation even for what’s not perfect.

4. If you must deal with an issue, don’t spend more than five minutes discussing it.

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