Dear Rachel,
My father is an old man now and I am trying to be there for him and help him during this time. However, I can't get past the fact that no matter what I do or how hard I try, my father has never once in my life told me that he loves me. I know he is from a generation that didn't necessarily verbalize their feelings, especially the men, but it is so painful to me. He is not cruel to me in any way, just completely unemotional. Even worse, I find that it is hard for me to be loving to him or admit to myself that I love him, when I am unsure if he loves me. A part of me tells me to just accept that he will never say it and another part wants to tell him how I feel. What should I do?
Hurt,
Washington, D.C.
Dear Hurt,
It is a very hard thing when as an adult we reflect on our parents and realize that they may have done things that we disagree with or that they raised us in a way contrary to how we would want to raise our own children. Recognizing that the parents we assumed were always right and always correct, are fallible, is a difficult truth to have to face.
It is interesting to note that we are commanded to honor our parents, not to love them. Why is that? You cannot command someone to love another, as love is a feeling that is cultivated and results from the basis of the relationship. And honoring one's parents, doesn't mean necessarily that the parents are honorable. So what do we honor? Our parents were the specific people that G‑d chose as the vehicles to bring us into this world. If for no other reason, they are worthy of our respect. We must respect G‑d's decision that He chose them, and we must respect them for having given us the gift of life.
Your father is who he is, and while every person can change and grow at any stage of his or her life, it is not your task, as his child, to educate him on how to improve his character or his communication skills. This may sometimes be difficult to accept, but sometimes playing one role in a person's life precludes playing another role. (For example, you may be the best surgeon in your field, but if your child or spouse or parent needed surgery, you would find someone else to do it). To educate us and to improve our character - for that we have parents, teachers, peers and friends. As a child of your father's, your role is to honor him and assist him to the best of your ability, if only to repay at least part of everything he did for you. For even if he did nothing else (and I'm sure he did much more that that) he brought you into this world. Which is sort of everything, isn't it?
Once you accept your father and your relationship with him for what it is, and stop feeling that you wish it was different, that may also bring you to a peaceful place where you can enjoy your time with him and enjoy him for who he is rather than who he is not. And, he may yet surprise you!
Rachel
Oh, Karen! What a slap at you! I seethed with anger for years after my father died and the worst was that everyone kept trying to get me to say my anger was wrong, I should "forgive" him. They said he was damaged himself. So what? His problem! And then I found people who told me, "What a ..... he was to you!". It made all the difference and it allowed me to relinquish the anger, which is the real sin - and children don't cause it, a terrible parent causes it. I am not saying find yourself people who pity you as a victim but rather "aseh lecha Rav" (feminine, of course) and find that group of people, including myself, who can say unequivocally, " What a .....!" And give you all the support you need now that he cannot reconcile with you. You have my condolences on the loss of dreams, even with that ......