Like Dorothy on the yellow brick road, we all want to grow and become greater than we are. And there are always times on that road when we need to brace ourselves for “constructive feedback.”

For me, any form of criticism, whether real or projected, used to knock me to my knees. A casual remark would send me into a tailspin of self-doubt. So in order to avoid criticism, I played it small: I didn’t speak up, share my point of view or even fully engage in life.

It is usually clear to us intellectually that human beings are not built to be perfect, so why does it hurt so much to discuss our limitations?

In Ethics of the Fathers, the verse says, “Assume for yourself a mentor, acquire for yourself a friend.”1 And the end of the verse says, “and judge every man to the side of merit.” There is a direct correlation between obtaining a mentor, maintaining a friendship and receiving judgment favorably. We need individuals in our lives who can provide us with feedback without fear of reprisal or being cut-off.

There are times when we respond to criticism defensively—and for good reason. It’s natural and healthy to protect ourselves. We certainly don’t want to let chronically negative nitpickers into our lives.

Imagine if you were to create a clear dome around yourself, as though you were standing inside a snow globe. Messages would be able to move freely in and out of this sphere. We want to be able to decipher the messages coming through to us, blocking access to some and incorporating others. What’s the balance between filtering and incorporating feedback? Here are some guidelines:

1. Your desire to be better has to be more powerful than your desire to preserve your ego.

Receiving feedback can be extremely difficult, especially if it’s given in a brutally honest, or even borderline nasty manner. Whether it is your friend commenting on your behavior, your boss giving you feedback about your work, or your family critiquing your cooking, it's not always easy to hear. Tone of voice, language and attitude all matter when someone gives you feedback. So, how do we gain value from even the negative moments?

When our sole focus is on our goals to be a better friend, employee, spouse or parent, feedback is our lifeline. We need to know our goals. Do we want to be a better friend? Do we want to be more valued by our employers? Do we want to be successful in our personal goals and endeavors? If the answer is a resounding yes, then honesty and constructive feedback is something to seek out and cherish.

2. You have to trust the person giving you the feedback.

Recognize that much of another person’s feedback has more to do with him or her than with you. A friend recently told me that he feels I ask for too many favors. I was hurt. The image I have of myself is of a giver, not a taker. How could he say such a thing? He spoke respectfully, kindly, without intention to hurt, and yet there I was in tears.

Our defenses are on the alert for anything that breaches our sense of self. Don’t get lost in the criticism and the feelings it brings up. I know myself to be loyal, committed and generous. However, my friend was feeling over committed and stressed out about his social responsibilities and obligations. Had I not been willing to consider the feedback, I would have missed an opportunity to strengthen our friendship. By hearing his desire to feel less imposed upon, I was able to be there for him when he needed me.

Remember, it's a compliment when the people in your life can be honest with you. It means they respect you. A true friend will tell you when you have spinach in your teeth, a stain on your shirt or a tear in your tights. A mentor might give you a few knocks, but it's only to see you soar higher. These people are invaluable assets in our lives, because they are willing to do the one thing most people are too afraid to do: be honest.

3. Be true to your own path.

When receiving feedback, sift out the information that you want and need. Even while you are listening to someone else’s opinion, you have to be true to you. You have to value your work, who you are and what you put out into the world. If the other person does not understand you, then you need to accept that as well. Walk away from a piece of advice or a remark that doesn't fit who you are. Ignore the temptation to be sucked into someone else’s black hole.

I once had an employer call me a "Chatty Cathy," and the truth is, I like to talk—a lot. There is a time and a place for silence, but I know who I am: a gregarious, enthusiastic, everyone's-a-friend kind of person. My personality may not always be suited to an office environment. However, clearly, that particular office just wasn't right for me.

Theodore Roosevelt says it best:

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood . . . who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

Get in the arena. Don’t allow the fear of being criticized to hold you back like it held me back for far too long. As the saying goes, don't be born an original only to die a copy. Learn from feedback. Appreciate the source it's coming from, but never sell yourself out. G‑d created and shaped you. You are created in the divine image.