My Child Hates School

Excellent answer - but to part of the question, about complaining. If a child was always doing well and becomes SUDDENLY anxious, it seems to be a red-light indication. Something more serious than a boring teacher is likely going on. Careful and sensitive detective work needs to be done if the child isn't opening up and if it is discovered that the child has been experiencing bullying or abuse, or a teacher with unrealistically high expectations, the child should be moved to a healthier environment. Reply

Since he's talking about hating school in general, & not about a particular teacher or class or kid, I would guess (total guess -- obviously talking to the boy and trying to get more details is best) that it's something he's not willing to talk about. It sounds to me like it could be bullying, or it could be sexual abuse. If it's sexual abuse, he may feel guilty about it, although, of course, he's not to blame. He may see no way out except to get out of the school, away from what's happening. And he may very well not want to talk about it. I had something like that happen to me in two different environments. I was able to leave one of them and switch to a different school. It was a VERY good thing for me. The other situation I just kind of muddled by. Switching schools might have made a big difference. Why not check out what other school possibilities there are, without making any commitments? Sometimes a change is called for. Also, it shows your son that you're listening. Reply

If your son is gifted then he probably is not getting his social or intellectual needs met in his current school. The best way forward might be to get an Ed. Psych. assessment and find a friendly school with small classes. If that is not possible then I agree with another response: try home schooling where you focus on his areas of interest. Bullying is a huge problem in schools and extremely damaging to the health and wellbeing our our children. Schools do not deal with it properly or even admit it is going on.

Your son is very lucky that you are listening to his concerns and want the best for him. Reply

Part 2 Children believe you will be disappointed if they are not meeting parent expectation. Guilt and Shame are feelings that children do not share. We need to make clear that our command for them to go to school has a caveat. Let children know that the school may not be a healthy place/environment that is good for them. That opens up the ability for them to tell you what they would not tell you if they thought you wanted them to go. Many schools are creating the mental and emotional trauma our children are experiencing. Many school systems have a system that does not allow for teachers to follow the moral and ethical guidelines that we ASSUME they do. They have zero ability to protect our children. They are doing what they are told to do even when they know it is not in the best interest of our kids. You may have a normal child trying to survive in an abnormal environment. They have to develop all kinds of coping skills that are not healthy in the long run. Please listen to your son Reply

Part One - cant overstate how important it is to listen to our children. They are not able to articulate with words what they are feeling and going through. They do not have adult experience or insight. The mistake we are making as parents is our public trust with the education system. Public Schools are under dangerous leadership that creates a toxic environment in many schools. There is ZERO as in NO advocacy for children inside the public schools. Children adapt to whatever environment we send them and children are not given a caveat by us. We tell them to go to school. The School tells them to go to school. Compulsory education law says go to school. All that force has a child believing that You, the school, and the law say your child must go to school. The child thinks they have to go to school and if they are having problems at school then they internalize it as "THEY" are the problem. Reply

Given that this is a Chabad website wouldn't you think the issue of a school teaching Torah would at least be brought up? Of course, a child can be miserable anywhere. But to talk about a child simply being unhappy without any specifics seems way to broad a topic and not particularly clarifying. I salute the writer for offering good advice in any event. Reply

My daughter went from a relatively happy, bright child to a dark child who wore a stocking cap all the time, wrote all over herself, and sat alone in Middle School. I tried my best to ask her if something was going on and find out if there was something we could do. She was artistic, intelligent, and had eccentric interests so maybe she was just experiencing growth pains? We didn't know she had started cutting herself until we got a call from the camp director during summer camp. Thankfully we moved and slowly the truth started coming out. She kept mentioning a girl at school. Kids at the bottom of the social ladder were forced to tie the shoes of kids at the top of the ladder. My daughter refused. She was being bullied, but her fear of having us intervene and being further ostracized kept her from telling us the truth. After we moved her to a bigger school with a variety of students she had friends and perked up within 6 months. Reply

My child hates school The Torah says "Train up a child in the way that he should go." It does not say "Train up a child in his way." there is a difference. However a parent may be able to see a particular gifting in a child. My nephew is very good in math and drawing; he is now a architect. When the Torah says "Train up a child in the way that he should go." It presupposes that the parents know the way of Torah". Children need to know the way of Hashem. Without this knowledge it is very difficult for children to see the way ahead, to overcome hurt feeling that life brings. However with the knowledge of the Love of Hashem understood by a child, many of life hurts are absorbed by the Love that G-d put in there heart. It helps children to forgive those who have wronged them, to start each day new without holding a grudge of past offences by friends or parents. There is no such thing as perfect parents or perfect kids and conflict will happen. May Hashem be in between you both. (Pray) for your children. Reply

I also havea misserable boy when it comes to school My grandson has autism so he is in special ed. He is currently in the eighth grade and every year before this one he has done well, honor roll for the past two years.
Starting this year all his grades have gone down to C's,D's and even an F. He won't give me a reason for this except "I hate school or I hate my teacher or even why should I have to read" When he is done talking, he runs to his room and slams the door.
I keep talking to his teacher via email and sometimes I think a Dr. might be in order. What is your advise? Reply

iterations of Aleph in the stories of children who are bullied I think, there are many reasons children have a hard time at school, and transitions are very hard, for us all, for many reasons. Sadly, there is a lot of bullying out there and children are vulnerable, and often the most sensitive are picked on and now there is this terrible thing, cyber bullying. I think it's wise to find out, what's happening, if a child is very upset. Many children do switch schools, because it becomes an unsupportable situation, and we know of children who commit suicide, a growing problem in our society. One might say, bullying is endemic, and not just about our children, but goes around the world. This must be stopped. No bull. The Aleph was the original bull, and it seems to take the bull by the horns, these days, could be, getting back to the Aleph, and thinking about the bipolarities of words, and how we express ourselves in giving birth to the letters, as in actualizing their potentials for good, and for bad. BET TER our world. RESH: move aHEAD. Reply

Your child sounds like me. As a child I never liked school. Seventh grade taught me to hate school. Ninth grade was as far as I actually went. I I tried to do tenth grade at home and failed. As a child, I never thought of myself as "different". Seventh grade made that abundantly clear. My faith and perspective of life did not coincide with "others" who I began to perceive as immoral. I recognize now almost 30 years later, I hate to say it, that those were the beginning years of myself becoming self righteous. My faith did not fit into the society of the public school system. By the time I reached the ninth grade, I had witnessed what I perceived as very immoral conduct by a large amount of the students who attended the school, and even a few of those of my faith. (Christian) I never involved myself in their immorality and eventually by my parents consent, left. I testify to this day, and knowing my experiences then, if I was in a G-dly environment, I'm sure I could have completed my education. Reply

switching schools I would say do it. When my dad got stationed to a new base here in Canada and I had to go to downtown for public school in grade 10 I hated it. it bothered me so much that by May I quit. We did not know I could have switched to the one other choice. I went back to grade 10 to the private all girls catholic school in the city-- no I was not catholic but the military paid my tuition since those who were not had to pay to go---. It was a wonderful experience for me overall, although I fell asleep in the monthly mass we had to attend. they had 200 students from grade 9 to grade 13; therefore smaller classes which I was used to. I also found their teaching was better, I got to play violin and do activities in gym which were not at the other school. Even when we moved again 4 years later I am still friends with people from this school since I graduated in 84. Do some research and if you can find smaller classes for him it might also be a blessing for him. Reply

As a former middle school teacher, I have some insights, but first I need to know is this a Jewish or public school and if your son is in a homogenous or heterogenous group of children. Here are the typical social things happening at his age: 1) He has left behind a year of being on TOP (6th gr.) and comes to a year of being on the BOTTOM of the social rung. 2) The older kids do HAZE the newcomers in various ways. 3) The girls INSULT the boys at that age. 4) There is a testosterone surge of "top dog" hierarchy, with "winners" and "losers". 5) There are extremely DRAMATIC feelings, with RAGING insecurities and low self image issues. 6) Teachers, typically, do NOT address the social issues, and view behaviors as being "bad". He may have a teacher who spoke harshly to him or was unjust. This brings up another issue. What is FAIR. He may be feeling something is happening at school which isn't fair. Where they EAT (which bench) & with whom are issues. Reply

My Child Hates School Did you ask your son WHY hates school? Maybe he feels he can't talk about it because you won't support him.

Is he being teased, made fun of - or bullied? If that's the case, you need to talk to his teacher and the school principal about it. Some children do start new schools mid-year, and ask your child if he wants to do that or can he wait until next year to go to a new school?

Listen to your son - children are smarter than parents think! Reply

changing school Hey just to say, I'm from spain and I'm only a teen myself, i was homeschooled when i was younger then we moved to France and i was thrown into a big school, meaning middle school, i didnt know the language or anything like that,i was also very shy. i always enjoyed it in france when i picked up the language and got really good marks, when we came back to Spain i went to school but it wasnt really a good school, it was terrible and i actually wanted to leave, pointing out that i was 13-14, but i couldnt learn the things i wanted to, in the middle of the school year my mother took me out and we homeschooled again, now i can proudly say that i'm not so shy and i'm taking a class that will lead me into my futur studies. i dont really know if this helps but it was a thought, that you living in america could do homeschooling with more help, because here we had to do with what we had. bye Reply

right on, Sara Ester a masterpiece of insightful compassionate and succinct advice.
Might I add also enriching the child's world outside of school with something that he truly enjoys.This way his individual likes and dislikes ARE being taken care of.
And pray for his success , and for him to get through those oh-so-difficult years as easily as possible.Th mother might want to connect to other mothers of teens because most of what she learned until now about child-rearing has become obsolete! Reply

Unhappy Child I would want to know exactly what's going on--is he being picked on? Are his friends in another school? Is his current trouble something that can be solved with your help?
Having a miserable school year is like working at a job that makes you unhappy--if you must, you must. But wouldn't we all take a job that lets us be happy, if we could? It seems to me that if a child would be happier in another school, he'll learn better and suffer less--so why not make the switch?
I've never bought the idea that having unhappy times as a child readies you for a harsh world: I think if parents (and other adults) can help children to have happy lives, they learn how to take care of themselves instead of staying stuck or being victimized by circumstances they could actually change. And they recall their parents with gratitude and affection, as their protectors. Reply

switching schools? Actually, switching schools may be the best thing that you can do for your son. If he is gifted, a blessing from HaShem itself, He could quite well be simply bored with the work he is receiving in his present school. The moderatoor was ever so right when she stressed the need to keep the lines of communication open.Perhaps conversing with your son more like he more mature than his actual age, in years, and letting him know he has the ability to have some input into his schooling will help. What are his main interests and areas of strength. Perhaps digging into the bank account to pay for some special advance level schooling, like Space Camp, may be a good investment. Also it is terribly important to be certain that no person, or group of people ( or, heaven forbid, a particular teacher ) harrassing him, or in some way making life at school unpleasant for him.I will add you to my special needs prayer list . HaShem will guide you if you keep faith and communication. Shalom, Sister. Reply