For Ester Zirkind, life was sweet. She and her husband were living in Thornhill, Ontario, as Chabad emissaries; they had three beautiful children and a rosy future. What could go wrong?

A painful struggle with illness was certainly not on Ester’s agenda. Neither was the almost unimaginable tragedy that followed in its wake.

Why was G‑d giving her these tests? Where would she find the faith to withstand them? How could she grow from her experiences?

When Ester searched for answers to these harrowing questions, she discovered the strength and resistance of the Jewish soul as she traveled on a remarkable journey from tragedy to triumph.

Ester peered into her toddler’s crib, expecting to see his toothy smile.

Boruch Menachem Mendel’s face had an unearthly pallor, and his small body was totally still.

Her piercing scream ripped through the stillness of the early morning, and her other children rushed in to see what had happened.

At the age of two and a quarter, Boruch Menachem Mendel had left this world.

Pain was nothing new to Ester. She had been stricken by an aggressive form of cancer when still a young mother, and though she recovered, she was warned that she might never have the large and loving family she always wanted.

And then a miracle occurred: Only a year or so after her cancer cleared, Ester gave birth to another baby, her precious Boruch Menachem Mendel.

Another bout of cancer followed, and thankfully another recovery. Ester still hoped for more children, but in the meantime, she was enjoying mothering her young family and resuming her normal life.

The future finally looked promising.

The sudden death of her youngest child instantaneously turned it all black.

Overwhelming Guilt

Along with the grief, there was guilt. The children had caught chickenpox, including the baby. In the afternoon, the doctor told Ester that his case was only a light one and there was no reason to worry.

That night he died.

No one could have foreseen what lay ahead, and yet Ester blamed herself for not preventing the tragic outcome. She was convinced that she must have missed something … something that could have saved him.

Many months later, the report from the non-invasive autopsy (which is required by law in Canada in cases of unexplained sudden pediatric death) pronounced that Boruch Menachem Mendel’s chickenpox had spawned a deadly infection that swiftly and silently took his life while he slept. There was nothing that Ester could have done.

Her guilt nonetheless continued. In large part, it was a form of guilt that had little to do with Ester as a mother, and everything to do with Ester as a cancer survivor. She had suffered from a life-threatening sickness and lived, while her innocent toddler had only a common childhood disease, and yet he’d died.

Survivor’s guilt came in strong; Ester felt guilty for being alive.

Befriending the Pain

The pain of being sick pales in comparison to the pain of losing a child. Thankfully, there are drugs and treatments available to cancer patients, but there is nothing out there to alleviate the pain of loss. Esther realized that the pain would be with her forever and became determined to “befriend” it—to accept it as part of her life even though she didn’t invite it there.

Befriending pain may sound like an oxymoron, but Ester discovered that she didn’t have to be defined by her pain. She could still bring happiness into her own life and the lives of others as a wife, mother, and teacher.

Slowly, very slowly, she worked not only to build herself anew, but to make herself better than she was before.

At the same time as she used her pain as a springboard for growth, Ester knew that it was necessary to exorcise the trauma that threatened to frustrate her progress. She found writing highly cathartic and started to journal. Eventually, her writings became a book.

“Where is the daughter I raised?”, published in 2021, is an intensely personal autobiographical account that takes us into the depths of Ester’s being and reveals the intricate, often complex workings of her soul. It is as if Ester is emptying the darkness from within her to make room for the light.

Almost coincidentally—for it was not her intention to write a best-seller—Ester also provides her manifold readers with an exquisitely written and intensely moving account of her heart-wrenching struggles, her fierce courage, and above all her unshakable faith.

Her Mother’s Daughter

Ester credits her mother for the faith that she ultimately realized was lying within her all along. When she was fifteen, her brother was tragically killed in a roadside accident and Esther witnessed firsthand her mother’s strength and absolute trust that whatever G‑d does is good.

When Ester’s son was taken from her, her mother watched her fall apart, held her tightly, and lovingly asked, “Where is the daughter I raised?”

She acknowledges that finding faith is a process, but in that process, she discovered strengths she never thought she had and emerged from the tragedy with firmer faith than she had hitherto known. She would never have chosen to suffer, but is nevertheless supremely grateful to G‑d for all that she has gained from her ordeal.

A Happy Ending

Although a mother never gets over the loss of a child, Ester nevertheless feels tremendous joy in her life, and has incredible gratitude to G‑d for the miraculous births that followed her ordeal.

Rebbetzin, teacher, speaker and above all, a wife and mother, she rejoices in the wonderful large family she always dreamed of, which now includes several grandchildren as well.

In the years that have passed, Ester has witnessed the duality of pain and joy. A person is privy to both—sometimes even at the same time—because this is the way G‑d runs his world.

On one occasion she shared this observation with a friend, who responded—almost sadly—that the coexistence of pain and joy in everyone’s lives appears to suggest that there’s no such thing as “happily ever after.”

“Nonsense,” said Ester. “ ‘Happily ever after’ occurs when we acknowledge that both pain and joy are all from G‑d, and we are OK with it. All of it!”

And the truth is, Ester isn’t just OK. She’s grateful for it all … and that is the ultimate test.