21 February

Dear Child,

Today for the third time in my life, I saw that magical pink line, that little line that will change my life forever. I'm pregnant. Again. Today is a special day. Today I ask G‑d that you be my first, that you be my child. That you will be born. Today I pray that all the pain we experienced within the course of the years transforms into joy. Today I stand humbled by the goodness of my Creator and thank Him from the depths of my heart for letting us cross the land of barrenness. Thank you, G‑d.

4 March 6:35 am

Dear Child,

It is very, very dark outside. I don't even have words to say. I woke up and kept on thinking - it's so dark. I wish it would be morning already which is how I feel in my real life. I am tired of being in the dark. I want the sun to rise. I want to have a child. Why does it feel so, so far away? Why does every pregnancy have to end in a miscarriage? Why? Dear G‑d - tell me WHY? It hurts so much.

You see, last night, I decided - I am going to put all my doubts away. I decided I owe G‑d a big apology letter - He's been so good, and I've been doubting His capacity.

And then I thought about the child inside of me and felt like I was denying it a maternal connection. So last night I decided to start loving the little life inside of me. And I did. Maybe that's all it needed? I don't know. Maybe there's still a chance? Maybe everything will be okay? Maybe a miracle will happen? I hope so.

Dear Child,

I've begged my others to stay with me. I've asked them to be strong. And today I'll ask you the same. I know that there might be some turbulence in my body, I don't know what's going on, and it may be hard for you to stay, to hold on. It may be easier for you to just relinquish the fight and let go and be free. But you are different than my others – you were meant to be a healthy child and are destined to be born. So hold on tight, little one. Keep that heart beating. Don't let go, no matter what. I plan on seeing you in the ultrasound tomorrow, with G‑d's help. You have good things waiting for you in this world. We'll be good parents. We will love you a lot. A lot.

Dear Children!!!!

Wow! How unbelievable is the goodness of our Creator - He will be blessing us twice!! We are not just having one child, we are having children!! What a beautiful thing! What a happy day! We are having children!!

Today started out a bit on the nervous side, going for the ultrasound to see what's going on inside of me. I was quite scared. That ultrasound machine has not always bid me the best of news..."Oh, you're pregnant, are you sure? Did you take a lab test - because I don't see anything..." and then again..."Oh, I'm sorry. I don't see a heart beat. It looks like a miscarriage..." So I think you can understand.

Today things were different. As soon as Dr. Morgan looked on the screen, she said, "Wow! This is beautiful!" and then she said, "I need to see what's supporting this...let's name this sac A..." and then something about. "they" and I saw the biggest, nicest smile on her face and her eyes lit up - and then she had us look - and we met you lil' guys today!! Welcome sac A and sac B - may you grow to be children! I am so happy! I can't wait to see you grow together. I know there's a lot of work cut out for me but I am so happy for both of you that you will have each other. We live in the middle of nowhere, not many children around, so I am so happy that you will have each other to play with! I am sure it is a beautiful thing to be a twin! Thank you Hashem! Thank You for Your double consolation; You gave two, You took two, and now You are giving us two to keep. Thank You.

And thank You for giving us modern technology and medicine and such a good doctor. She was a wonderful messenger.

10 March 3:30 pm

Dear Children,

Last night it all seemed over. The bleeding was abnormal; hemorrhaging, passing clots - no one thought there was a possibility of pregnancy. The triage nurse said - I've seen a lot as an obstetrical nurse and I wouldn't put a dime on it that you're still pregnant.

Your father, he was the one who had the most belief - and he told her that doctors were given permission to diagnose - not to say who will live and who will die.

I begged G‑d, that if I had ever done anything good in my life - let it be for you, and for us, that you survive this turbulence and live, and we get the miracle of children. I told G‑d that maybe I don't deserve it, but begged for a miracle because we want you so badly. I apologized for sometimes being scared and not having so much faith.

I was having such a difficult time in the beginning of the pregnancy, I guess from all the trauma of last one, and I asked G‑d - "If it's going to end, please do it right away. Please don't drag things out." - I should have prayed: "If You want to end it, please change Your mind."

We finally got a room at four in the morning, after a lot of crying and heartbreak. After a certain point, I didn't think it was possible at all for things to look up. Then the doctor checked my cervix, and it was closed - the first good sign. I told your father not to get his hopes up, that we have to be realistic. Then the hormone levels dropped to 30,000. But we were hopeful. We googled "subchrionic hemorrhaging" and thought it was a good possibility.

Anyway, the sonographer and I already know each other and she let your father into the room, even though it was against hospital policy. It was a big relief because he would see what was going on the screen and then he'd signal it to me. I told the radiologist: don't tell me anything if it's bad.

And then she started to work. I was so scared. Then I saw your father's face light up with a smile and I got the thumbs up - a heartbeat! And then I had to wait until they found the other one of you and then: another most beautiful smile - and another heartbeat! Miracle children! (Troublemakers...) So you both are very much alive and kicking, and I do have subchrionic hemorrhaging, so I might quit my job and go into hibernation while you lil' ones keep on growing. We're still quite high risk, but hey – we've come this far. We can do it. And Hashem, our G‑d, is going to help us all.

9 April

Dear Children,

It's your mommy again, coming to say hello. Things are getting more and more exciting as we are almost finishing the first trimester. You'll be eleven weeks tomorrow! You're both little people now! I can't wait to see you! I hope you're doing well down there!

I've been on bedrest and it sure has not been easy, especially because I like to work. And I don't like depending on other people. It makes me feel guilty. And I get scared that I am going to be a burden. But I know this is what I have to do to be a good mommy.

You see, motherhood starts the second you're conceived.. We care for your precious souls from the start- just like I'm careful with what I eat, drink, and breathe in - I'm careful with what I see and hear. It's nice to be able to feel like I'm doing something for you already.

I want to tell you both that you are very special children, and are a product of lots of prayer, crying, hoping, and demanding. I very strongly feel that you also are a product of the Rebbe's blessings and of our work on behalf of the Jewish community.

It was the day before Rosh Hashanah, just seven months ago, and your father and I went to pray by the side of the Lubavitcher Rebbe's grave, hoping that in his merit G‑d would answer our prayers.. It was one of the first times going to his grave after our past loss and, of course, I was going to pray for children.

All the pain and longing and fears just crashed forth from my heart. I tried to hold it back, but I couldn't - and I just cried and cried. And cried. And cried even more. I wanted to know that I would have children, and I didn't want to wait anymore. I didn't want to have any more miscarriages or go through any more procedures. I just wanted to be a mother already.

When you want something really badly - really, really badly - no one likes to wait. When you are longing for something so strongly, an hour can seem like eternity. The days, weeks, the months - it's all time slipping through an hourglass -and you just want to say: Hey, stop a second. Please give us what we so badly want. You have the capacity to do that - so easy for You, so hard for us - and it's right there in Your hands. It' almost a tease.

And then we received the most wonderful news that I was pregnant.

So, whenever I get scared, because I have a lot of complications in this pregnancy, and I am high risk, and have some pain sometimes that really hurts (just for a little bit) - I think about that day we found out the most amazing news that we would be having you. Everything is going to be okay. You two are already little miracles. So please just keep strong and I'll keep praying.

Good night

Love, Mommy.

We had our two beautiful miracles, Shaina Mussia and Chava Gittel, who were born on Rosh Hashanah in 2008.

Two Little Candles

Two little candles
Dancing little flames
Two sparks of light
Waiting for the day
Snowflakes twirling
Hopes are burning
Little sparks, little souls
Like shining candles
All aglow
Ignited from Above
Gift of love
Miracle lights
Radiate dark nights
Days of joy and song
Waiting for so long
Despite odds low
Candles will glow
Little wicks alight
Shining hopes bright

Two little candles
Dwindling little flames
Trying to dance
Amidst the pain
Two little candles
Yearning to be three
Wishing to start a family
Two little sparks
Ignited with hope
Unextinguishable
Despite the cold
Two burning wicks
Stubborn and strong
Will keep on burning
No matter how long.
Four little candles
Four dancing little flames
Shining little candles
Dispelling the pain
Four little candles
Miraculous sparks
Four little lights warming my heart
Four beautiful candles created for me
Thank you, G‑d, for my family