G‑d saw the fire and the ice, the storm, and the narrow straits that plague our final journey, and He knew that no soul could bear such pain.
So He anesthetized our souls. Our love and fear, our sensitivity to anything divine—all that was put to sleep. Only the very core, our essential connection to Above, was left intact.
There is a positive side to this frozen state: The deepest wonders are open to us. Wonders that souls of an earlier generation would never have been able to approach due to the ferocity of their flames.
At the core of the wisdom of Torah lies an unbearable fire. We can walk through it now, unaware of its fierce intensity.
I don' t want to stay untouched.
I don't want to go numb.
Hashem has put me in a place of witnessing my best friend drown in the most profound and intense pain repeatedly. At this point, the desperation, and overwhelming emotions I have once felt have died down.
I understand that when I feel numb, it is a sign that Hashem is shielding me from experiencing these painful emotions too intensely.
But I want to. I don't want time to numb me. I want my feelings should stay as intense. I want to be able to daven with my whole heart.
Please help me.