I want something that’s not real
that doesn’t exist for me
that I can’t have
I want a relationship
with a deep soul connection
I want to feel at home in another
I need to feel at home with myself
this journey my soul chose, I resist it over and over again
this resistance,
this lofty goal,
this burning desire,
this raw, unstoppable, urgent, powerful,
desperate attraction to connection
It’s not unreasonable,
it’s just not mine.
My destiny is elsewhere
it’s me.
showing up for myself
being present to myself
validating myself
knowing without a doubt that G‑d carries me
He always does
and this knowledge, it helps.
and then it doesn’t
because my heart, it wants to connect
more than anything else
so many worldly pleasures that I would gladly forsake for connection
oh, this journey
I want to believe that I chose it.
but I can’t wrap my brain around that
the one thing that I want so badly is just not destined to be mine.
it’s elusive
it slips through my fingers
and every now and then
I get a tiny taste of it and I’m
so relieved and so desperate
at the same time
it’s never enough
and it’s not meant for me
just a tease
just a tickle
a reminder that it exits
that it’s real
that it’s just not mine
and most likely, never will be
and the sooner
I make peace with that
the sooner
I embrace
the more peaceful my life will be
the less I’ll be searching, yearning, longing for all that I already possess
for all that exists
in my relationship with G‑d
in a tangible, revealed way
as long as I’m open to experiencing it
to do my part
to nurture that connection
soul speak