Dear Rachel,
My husband and I keep butting heads on important decisions. We both have such differing opinions about how to run a home, how to discipline the kids, our work schedules and even the food we eat. What can I do to have my opinions and decisions respected and avoid feeling like we’re battling all the time?
Differing Opinions
Dear Team Member,
I’m so sorry to hear of the tension going on with your husband. That’s definitely a difficult place to be in a marriage.
When I have times like this with my husband—that time of butting heads about important things—I try to remember this: We’re on the same team! And according to Torah, we’re not just on the same team, but actually one: A husband’s and wife’s soul are two halves of a whole.There’s no tug of war and no winning side; we both need to win as one entity working together towards peaceful wholeness and unity.
Our desires are the same—we both want what’s best for each other, our family and our home. Once I click into this very important truth in the midst of a clash, my energy shifts. My guard drops, my nervous system calms down, and my ego releases its very selfish grip. As two Jews coming together, our G‑dly soul can overpower the evil inclination’s goal of division. This is an empowering thought and brings such spiritual strength to the situation.
Another technique I’ll use to help elevate the situation to a higher spiritual vibration so that peace can prevail is to bring into my mind a mentor or righteous individual. I’ll imagine that in the room with us is someone of great Torah standing, and this will also help shift my energy to a calmer state. Peace within ourselves helps to bring peace outside of ourselves.
Then, if I can give affection, I do—I’ll take my husband’s hand and say, “Hey, we’re on the same team! We both want what’s best. So how can we work together to make this happen?”
With this calmer energy, I also share with my husband what I’m afraid of. Oftentimes, when tensions rise, we’re both fearing something—a loss of time, connection, health, money. Especially when it comes to the kids, there are many fears. When we’re locked in a “debate” of sorts, I’ll prod my husband to ask what I refer to now as the magic question—“What are you afraid of, honey?” When he asks me this question, my guard immediately drops, and I’ll share with him what really is concerning me about the subject that we’re in conflict about. That question is so helpful in bringing us together rather than apart.
I’ll give an example because storytelling is an easier way to remember things.
Once I found out that my young children who left the house with my husband on their way to synagogue on Shabbat were told to continue on their own when my husband had to stop off first at a neighbor’s house. Meaning, instead of my husband having the children wait for him, he told them to go ahead and walk on their own.
I’m more protective of my kids in terms of walking around the neighborhood than my husband, and our synagogue is a good 20 minutes away with some busy streets to cross. When my daughter mentioned it to me that afternoon, I felt my nervous system rev way up. The heat rose to my face; I was not a happy camper. My mama-bear energy had arisen!
The question was: How was I going to speak to my husband about this in a respectful way without locking horns? How was I going to not come off in an attacking manner that would rev up his nervous system, get him defensive and result in me not being heard? And that’s when I used the techniques that I share above.
Resting in my recliner that Shabbat, I came to see that we’re on the same team, wanting safety for the kids. I realized that we obviously have different ideas of what that looked like. He obviously felt comfortable with them walking to our synagogue alone; I did not. Later that day, I had a chance to speak to him (after his nap!), imagining someone I highly respect sitting there in the room with us. I took my husband’s hand and said, “I know that we both want what is safe and best for our children. I’m concerned ... ”
I believe that because my nervous system was in a calm state and I had started the conversation with connecting energy, my husband heard my fears and acknowledged them. He agreed that in the future, if he needed to stop along the way, he could just have the kids wait for him because that’s what made me feel better and safer. The conversation concluded with closeness and agreement rather than distance and dispute.
I invite you to try these suggestions—spiritually raise the atmosphere, expose your feelings, get vulnerable and find agreement. Connection is the key to resolving the tension. And remember, you’re on the same team!
Hi Miriam, I appreciate your techniques for getting through the disagreements. Yes, remembering that your spouse and you usually have the same goals, and that they are not some kind of vicious, dumb, or hysterical person, who can be made to do the right thing only via force or manipulation, is the key.
Yet, doing the right thing may be highly stressful. And I am not speaking about "being right" in the sense of "winning" an argument. I am speaking about doing what is right. For example, your husband may think that your children need to practice acting without immediate supervision. That they are ready and capable to handle a walk to the shul by themselves. That it would help them to grow and develop. Of course, your anxiety and fear have to be considered. But, in my opinion, they should not be taken as a given. Yes, often it doesn't help to discuss if emotions are adequate or not, but maybe it's worth exploring how to keep them from getting in the way of doing what is right?
I hear what you are saying, Leon. However, what is "right" is subjective unless it's a Torah law and even then there are rabbis to speak to when there is a disagreement with a spouse as to how to have peace in the home dealing with complex subjects.
Emotions are important to explore and process but do not have to dictate decisions. That being said using words like "doing what is right" is tricky because spouses have different ideas of what is "right."
My point is that maintaining a peaceful home is just one of many aspects of doing what is right. :-) It's wonderful that you are so well attuned to this task.
I am sure that children development is important for you and your husband as well. Like in your example, I imagine that you need to figure out what is reasonable to do for both children safety and their needs to learn and master their environment. Eventually they should be able to go to the shul by themselves. So, what is the adequate preparation for that? If we can't agree on that, how can we not just compromise, but come up with genuine agreement on the issue? Especially when the traditional rules for resolving disagreements in the family are also open for discussion. And, of course, we have only so much time and energy for all that...
Would you be more comfortable with using "pursuing G-d's will" rather than "doing what is right?"