Do I Have a Soulmate?

Dear Rachel,

Is there any guarantee that each person will meet his or her soulmate and will find someone who truly loves them? Time and again I have had my heart broken and my hopes dashed. I'm considered attractive, I'm kind, generous, sensitive, smart, intelligent, warm, and fun to be with. So is there really someone out there for everyone?

B.D.
Seattle, WA

Dear B.D.,

It is said that before each of us was created, we were one big soul. Forty days before our conception, G‑d took our "big soul" in His hands and he split it into two pieces. The work of finding our soul mate is finding our missing half.

So how do we find our other half? We have to first begin by perfecting our half. In other words, we have to really know ourselves and be the best "half" we can possibly be. Your soul mate is out there, that's not the question. The question is: are you where you need to be to find him? Are you recognizable to him? Don't forget, he's looking for you too.

As for the "guarantee," you want one of the most powerful things about being in a relationship is that there are no guarantees. Faith and trust are such huge components in a marriage for this very reason. That's why our Sages compare the love between a man and wife to a fire. It is not static or calm, nor is it certain. It's not supposed to be. That is the beauty of a committed relationship…allowing someone into the most vulnerable and hidden places of our hearts trusting our emotions will be well received.

It is said that there are three partners in a marriage: the husband, the wife and G‑d. Until we meet our soulmate, it's just two partners… us and G‑d. This applies to that relationship as well. Because G‑d does not typically grant us a bird's eye view of His plans, we need to constantly bolster our relationship with faith and trust. We need to trust in our depths that He is guiding our steps towards our ultimate purpose, towards the "completion" of our soul.

Another strong component in marriage is communication. Communication is the essential ingredient to every healthy relationship. Since you are preparing to meet your life partner, it's important to practice communicating with your other partner, G‑d. Talk it out with Him. Some people call it prayer, but it could just as well be called communication.

Your "someone" is out there, looking for you. Be the best half-soul you can possibly be and G‑d willing, your steps will be guided towards each other sooner than you know it.

Blessings,
Rachel

“Dear Rachel” is a column that is answered by a rotating group of experts. This question was answered by Sarah Zadok.

Sarah Zadok is a childbirth educator, doula and freelance writer. She lives in Ramat Beit Shemesh, Israel, with her husband and four children.

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Zohar July 17, 2023

As they set out from their place above, each soul is male and female as one. Only as they descend to this world do they part, each to its own side. And then it is the One Above who unites them again. This is His exclusive domain, for He alone knows which soul belongs to which and how they must reunite.
– Zohar (Book I, 85b) Reply

RAMBAM September 27, 2023

in response to Zohar:

Dear Zohar,
Meet a dissenting opinion as mentioned in Ben's comment below. Attached is a translation of the pertinent portion.
Rambam

Rambam teshuva #436

... As for [the Gemara on] marriages, it refers to unique circumstance where Hashem elects to intervene whether as a reward or as a punishment. For example, if this individual did/does an outstanding and phenomenal mitzvah that makes him/her worthy of an outstanding and phenomenal partner Hashem may intervene to match them up together. So, to someone who deserves constant battling [one example is a bully] Hashem may elect to match him up with someone who can take care of that.

However, this is pertinent only to those who make themselves worthy [for this special attention, whether for the good or bad].

The writings of Moshe ben Maimon zt”l Reply

Eva T Ramona July 12, 2023

In recent years, I have chosen to have several friendships, but am not interested in the idea of a life partner. I have many wonderful friends and I consider "soulmates" to be others with whom we have a deep, unique and clear connection. It need not be a husband or spouse at all. It is someone with whom we are aligned and for whom we have mutual respect and love. I take issue with the fact that the "Big Soul" was broken and our work is to find our "missing half." Each of us is fully complete and whole (shalem). Others are in this world so that we may enhance all of the brachot and simchot given us by Hashem, but not because we are incomplete.
It is a happy coincidence (or clever design) that when we exude joy and love and confidence, we draw others to us, and we celebrate each other's beauty and strength! Reply

Ben Brooklyn March 31, 2023

The response seems to claim no alternative other than the concept of "bashert".

In the spirit of completeness, I must add that most of the earlier Torah authorities (authorities) totally disagree with the concept of a predestined partner, one prominent source of the Responsa of the Rambam Siman 436. They place choosing a spouse within the responsibilities of Bechira.

Curious why noone in this forum made any reference to this. Reply

Rabbi Mendel Adelman April 16, 2023

in response to Ben:

The article does not negate the possibility of "missing" on one's bashert. The concept of bashert is not that it is inevitable that the two of you will marry. After all, the halacha is that one may marry on Chol Hamoed "so that no one else will take her first". So, it is not a contradiction to say that each person has a destined soulmate, and to say that it is within a person's free will to marry them. The Rambam says essentially the same thing, that if a person merits, they will get the soulmate prearranged for them. Please see chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/598011/jewish/Marriage-Destiny-or-Chance.htm Reply

anonymous July 10, 2023

in response to Ben:

that opinion seems false. It's pretty obvious that a lot of people have, meet, and marry their predestined partner. Reply

Ben July 17, 2023

in response to anonymous:

I am unclear as to your response, Anonymous. How is it obvious that people met their predestined partner? Do they have a sign "We are predestined partners?" A happy marriage does not prove meeting your predestined partner.
While you can choose to disagree with the opinion that there is no concept of "Bashert" it is not a false opinion. As I mention with the source, the Rambam writes that there is no concept of "Bashert." He explains that the Gemara mentioning the idea of predestined to be for specific cases.
Feel free to look at the source and let me know if I am mistaken. Reply

SJIS NY May 23, 2020

Instead of looking at ‘the other’ in order to find our “soul mate” or marriage partner we must look within ourselves; & we must be compassionate & giving mentally & emotionally towards our mate. All of us have foibles, are imperfect & driven by apprehension & doubt. To find someone we must struggle within ourselves many times to be more accepting, more open & more honest. Appreciation of the other arises from trust. If one is willing to go beyond face value & give another a chance, that person will surely find a mate. Keep going, but make a choice. If you want someone, you will assuredly find someone. Get out of your ‘head’ & try reaching out to someone to see whom that person truly is. You will be pleasantly surprised & find compassion & a life mate. signed, a 70 year old grandmother Reply

eva San Diego January 20, 2020

Hello Nelle,
I understand why you ask this question, but it is possible you still haven't met your soulmate. If you are open to meeting people, and it sounds like you are, I believe you will find that person who really "gets" you.
I think that as I have gotten older, I fight the urge to pull in and withdraw. Sometimes it feels like too much energy to expend on a relationship if the magic doesn't happen immediately. By allowing myself to meet others where they are, instead of where I think they should be, I have made new and very good friends.
You're not alone. Be patient, spend time in nature and remain open. Wishing you rewarding, loving friendships, in whatever shape that comes. Reply

Nelle Dallas January 20, 2020

What happened? I am a 60-year-old woman, a Noahide, who never married, rarely dated, and who from youth sought truth (tis the reason l left Christianity). In my early and mid 20s, l very much wanted to marry, but well-meaning people twice my age told me not to worry, that someone would come along. By 45, l understood this was likely not the case. Forging deep bonds with members of my own gender became increasingly difficult as both married and divorced women wanted friendships with others of similar circumstances. I was increasingly looking through a window at life. My parents are deceased, and l have no sibling. I am a teacher and a civic volunteer, but l am very much alone in this world. Growing older under such circumstances is daunting. As a caretaker to my elderly parents, l saw first hand how they could not have fared well without family looking after them. What happened? Did G-d never have a soulmate for me? Reply

Chana July 1, 2021

in response to Nelle:

Hello! I am a fellow Noahide. Have you heard of Netiv in Houston? Reuven Bryant is a Noahide teacher there, and has formed a beautiful community! Please contact that community! You will be so glad you did! As for your shidduch, I believe there is a soulmate out there for you. It is never too late! Reply

eva solana Beach July 25, 2017

Spend time doing things you love to do, and growing into who you're meant to become, and you'll meet a soulmate if you desire. Remember, a soul mate may NOT be your husband, but a human who resonates with you and completes you on the soul level. It doesn't have to be a sexual or romantic connection, but I understand that is what you want.
I'm certain that the more you learn about yourself and what fulfils you, you become more open and attractive to the men you will meet, so that a husband, will find you, if that's what you want. Reply

Eliana Brooklyn, NY January 20, 2020

in response to eva:

Eva, your response is quite comforting. Like Nelle, I am alone in the world. I am a Jew. I have never met a man--Jewish or otherwise--who had any respect for me. There are friendly people in my community, but it is extremely difficult to get together with them on any day other than Shabbos because they have family duties that keep them from interacting with non-family members. The few people who are available during the week--I have nothing in common with them in terms of interests or even vocabulary. (I'm a gerus. Several people have told me that they feel they need a dictionary to understand me, even when I'm speaking plain English. This includes college-educated women. Sometimes I really think they are making fun of me or they want me to stay away from them. Because if they wanted to understand me, they would ask questions. I always ask questions when the other person uses a Yiddish term I don't understand). Reply

Lalaine Philippines July 20, 2017

Thank you. I thought I was the only one looking. I hope he finds me soon. I am a noahide-ger. Reply

eva trieger solana beach May 22, 2016

Exactly. Bravo. You will learn be fine. Shavuah tov Reply

Shoshana -Jerusalem Jerusalem May 22, 2016

Jewish soulmate I hope that all of you find your soulmates very soon and live happy, peaceful and beautiful Jewish lives together, with many Jewish children. Your soulmate is the other half of your Jewish soul and therefore, obviously, has to be Jewish. Don't settle for anything less.

But where can you meet him/her, if there are no Jews near you? You can ask Jewish friends to introduce you to someone or you can ask your rabbi if he knows someone. Or perhaps there are Jewish groups for singles. Reply

Anonymous To May 20, 2016

Thank you I Guess I felt
He was my soulmate... But maybe I was wrong, he just had to leave to let it come my true soulmate. Until then I'll be learning and growing.
Love
S. Reply

lucianna Tx - Cal May 16, 2016

soulmates re: anon toronto you find them!! ^u^ pray to HaShem to guide you two together, if it was meant to be. Be the best you could ever be. Reply

eva trieger San Diego May 16, 2016

For Toronto What do you mean, "He didn't want to?" If he is truly your soul mate, Hashem will send him back to you. If he isn't your beshert, perhaps, he had to leave to make room for your true soul mate. Good luck,
Eva Reply

Anonymous Toronto May 15, 2016

What happens if you thought you find your soulmate and then he disappear even he didnt want to.... Reply

Eva San Diego August 18, 2015

Personal Satisfaction and Joy? When you say spiritual growth, how does it manifest? Are you a joy filled person? Are you grateful for your health? Do you exude happiness and contentment? Are you aware of the bounty that HaShem has given you? If so, that is a very powerful and magnetizing force and people will seek you out to be with that energy.
Good luck!
Best wishes, Reply

Anonymous August 17, 2015

I enjoyed reading this post. I have been looking for my soulmate for several years now and still haven't found him yet. I have read many things where people said I need to know my own soul or love myself first, and I feel like I did that already. I spent a lot of time working on perfecting my soul, but still no soulmate yet. I don't know what more I can do for my own spiritual growth. Do you have any advice on how I can perfect my soul or get it in the right state so that I will attract my soulmate? Thank you. Reply

Shoshana Jerusalem November 26, 2014

Good advice from T Portland July 5, 2014 Also, ask married friends if they know anybody for you, or speak to your rabbi.

And most important of all, enjoy your life. Make it meaningful with mitzvos and chesed, and pursuing your career. and whatever's important to you. Everyone has his/her own mission in life and can make many contributions to society, her neighbors and friends, and family which is all part of making this world a better place to live. Reply

Seanna November 24, 2014

Eliana! I loved your comment... you really put me in my place! Thank you. :) Reply

Eliana Brooklyn, NY September 1, 2014

True soul mates Eva, you are a very wise woman! Many of us have had our heads filled with the romantic notions of the akumim. There is nothing wrong with romance; there is nothing wrong with looking for a spouse. But there is something wrong with putting so much mental, physical, and spiritual energy into that pursuit that it starts to resemble avodah zarah! We must keep in mind the true focus of our avodah. Of course, we deserve to be happy. But wasting time and effort pursuing the elusive and making each other think that's all we should "hope" for is not happiness. It's an obsession. We need to "hope" (daven) for true happiness--which is as likely to come from a friend/confidant, a family member, or the opportunity to do good deeds. Reply

eva Solana Beach September 1, 2014

Enjoy and live in the present... Yes, Eliana,that's precisely what I mean! Life is fulfilling and fabulous in THIS moment, and should not be lived with breath held for some magical moment of meeting Mr. Right.
Take advantage of all of the love and beauty surrounding you today. Reply

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