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How to Get Rid of a Grudge

Women and Wisdom: Lesson 5

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How to Get Rid of a Grudge: Women and Wisdom: Lesson 5

It says that G‑d forgives those who forgive others. What does the Torah teach us about how to get rid of resentments, and start forgiving those who have hurt us?
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Resentment; Revenge, Forgiveness

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Anonymous Japan September 9, 2017

I think you might have saved my marriage. I am trying hard to shake off old hurts that continue to cause me pain and distance me emotionally from my husband. Thank you for showing me a way out, and with such passion and humor. Your teachings touch me deeply even though I am not born Jewish. Thank you sincerely for sharing this openly on the internet. I can't wait to listen to your other classes. Reply

Pearl Shifer September 4, 2017

Wonderful lecture. thank you so much Reply

Anonymous chicago May 11, 2016

What about if you ask forgiveness, but the other party says, "Sorry, what's out there is out there, and can never be taken back, therefore I cannot forgive you!" This person I later learned had many health and other problems, not that I wished them upon her! Is there anything I can do? Reply

Pearl Shifer September 4, 2017
in response to Anonymous:

Wonderful question. Reply

Winterblossom uk September 10, 2015

Your explanation on how it is possible to forgive the deceased who have badly hurt you touched me very deeply. I wish I had been told this decades ago. Thinking this way has enabled me to realize that it is possible for me not to hold a grudge against those who have hurt me who have died. Reply

Jenn Tormberg August 26, 2015

This was a very good video, but I thought the examples you used back to back where disproving each, other maybe I misunderstood, however the example of simon and the nazi, and the example of the man on the train, though they are good stand alone lessons, they seem to contradict each other. In the nazi example you give the conclusion that this Jew cannot grant forgiveness to the nazi on behalf of his fellow wronged Jews, implying that the nazi only sinned against the people he directly hurt, when in truth by hurting any Jew, the Nazi also hurt Simon leaving a bitter taste in heart. But then in the second example you have the rebbe saying that by taunting him they are taunting all the other Jews who dress and believe like he does. Do you see how that contradicts itself? In truth both men should have said, I forgive you but to the other people you have also wronged you need to ask those people forgiveness directly. In these examples, neither man granted forgiveness on his own behalf. Reply

Denise Thornhill March 21, 2012

An amazing lecture Usually I can't concentrate unless I am in the presence of the speaker. Today I didn't have my car and was stuck at home so I sat down and played this and was rapt the whole way through. I can't believe she spoke for an hour without needing notes. Too funny, I do live in the same city as the rebbitzen but didn't hear about this lecture, so thank you chabad.org for streaming it and including it in your emailed newsletter which I look forward to every week. Reply

Anonymous West Hills, CA March 17, 2012

forgiving Can forgiving someone and getting rid of the anger be enough or does it mean that you have to allow the person back into your life? If you forgive without an apology from the person it is possible to get rid of your anger. But without the person admitting or not being sorry it will continue to happen. Are we supposed to allow them to continue the hurtful thing and keep forgiving or can we get rid of the grude and anger and keep a distance until or if the person admits what they have done? Reply

Marty March 15, 2012

On forgiveness The premise is what does the Torah teach us in terms of how to get rid of a grudge and forgive. The analogy is made to Joseph forgiving his brothers. How can most of us relate to that story? Joseph became the second most powerful man in Egypt, living in the lap of luxury. We don't know if he would have been so forgiving had he been left in the dungeon. Also, in Gen 45:5-8, Joseph tells his brothers it's not their fault, it was G-d's plan or fate. In light of this, it makes a more interesting story to discuss whether or not those who have wronged us are truly responsible.
That aside, how can we rid ourselves of a grudge? The video says,Push it out of your head'. Does that work for you? Isn't that repression? My experience is that gives the ill feeling renewed strength. It will find a way to manifest itself. Rather than chasing it away, recognize what need is going unmet. Probably a desire for respect and justice. Can you a find legitimate way to get that need met? Reply

Anonymous yerushalaim, Israel/shelanu March 14, 2012

Get Rid of a Grudge (I tried !!!! ) I forgave them, I told them I loved them, but I can not forget. I tried to sympathize, but I feel hypocrite, since they are behaving as usual. I stopped all contact with them.........Two of my step-sisters. Reply

Avi Converse March 12, 2012

Forgiveness Every night as I say the Bedtime Shema I pray the prayer to forgive everyone. At first it was difficult and seemed foolish and insincere. However, as I kept up, the words coming out of my mouth finally started to become a reality in my mind and heart until I was able to forgive with sincerity. As I began to forgive the bitterness slowly began to leave. I had to ask G-d for tremendous help there. The Bedtime Shema is ideal to keep our forgiveness current and to do it before bitterness sets in. Reply

C.Kate. Mississauga, Canada January 20, 2012

Forgiveness I have found that when in difficulty with
letting go and moving on ....
I need to step back further before
going ahead and I use words such
as :
I am willing to learn how to be willing
to forgive.
Once I take this step backword, which
aligns my words with the reality of
my situation, then the block comes off,
and I start to be able to process what
is stuck inside me and deal with it bit
by bit - and learn how to move on
in greater strength than before.

There is a Healer in the U.K. who is
including me in his healing prayers
every day and at 9 PM I also sit every night
and pray that all those who are
suffering like me are helped and healed
as I do not wish anyone to suffer like that
any where.

This is bringing me a measure of peace.

Reply

Anonymous Mesa, Arizona, USA January 19, 2012

To: Anon Sarasota, Fla. I was abused when I was a child. The best thing to do for me was to forgive, surrender it to Hashem, and forget, bury it. As for this man who molested the 9 years old child, he is in jail. He will pay for his abuses. His inmates will probably do the same thing he did to this child. I would suggest to surrender your pain to Hashem and He will heal your heart and mind. There is nothing you can do now, what is done is done. Seek for Hashem, Blessed be He. He healed me. It is very hard to understand, but it is not G-d's doing is human beings who do these horrendous things to others. Hold on to the Almighty. May Hashem bless you and deliver you and yours from this trauma. Reply

Anonymous New Rochelle, NY January 17, 2012

A Timely Message I just love you Rebbetzin Plotkin! As usual, you're words of wisdom and encouragement always are extraordinarily healing, as well as empowering, and came at a pivotal time for me. Although I wish I had the opportunity to learn from you in person, thank G-d for this wonderful Internet medium, which provides all of us the access and opportunity to learn from you! Reply

Anonymous Mississauga, Canada January 13, 2012

Forgiving the Unforgiveable There are stages of healing that take place before forgiving the unforgivable.
All of these steps need to be identified and followed first.

Forgiving does not mean that you accept what the person did. It means that
you wish to find the means to let go of negative emotions and move on.
You do not allow the victimizer to vicitimze your family twice, that way. Reply

nancy Quitio, Ecuador January 13, 2012

How tom heal our souls I am very sad because my husband leave us to our fate, however he hurts so deep that my 2 little sons and me are with psycologist we are affected for this situation, and when I pray to Hashem It´s hard for me to forgive him, please how to heal our soul? Reply

Anonymous Sarasota, Fl. January 11, 2012

How to get rid of a grudge thank you for such an important part of our life to make us better. But my question is how do you let go a grudge of someone who molested your child at the age of 9 and then your child is having all kinds of trouble like can't do well in school, having anciety,anger etc..... and as a mother you know deep down something is wrong you can't figure it out and then 11 years later she tells you so and so molested me but I didn't tell you because I was afraid you will have a heart attack. And this person has already being put in jail all this time, for molesting other children, and this poor child has suffer all this years in silence for fear her parents will die? Well now after a year of learning this and the man is over 80 and in jail but before I go to bed even after saying this prayer for forgiveness I can't sleep because I really can NOT FORGIVE this man. so How can I deal with this problem? Reply

Anonymous quebec, Canada January 3, 2012

How to get rid of a grudge /5 Thank you it was just what I needed to re-learn - at the right time! B.H.
I'll always now look for the message in an insult or at an embarrassing time.
and try to learn why I needed to hear that!
I also lit a few candles for close family members ,to help them and unknowingly helped myself! Lots of Hatzlocha! Reply

Marcy Scottsdale, AZ January 2, 2012

Transcript Would it be possible to get a transcript of this Webcast? Reply

Anonymous Mesa, Arizona, USA January 2, 2012

Rabetzin Plotkin, I can understand that everything happens for a purpose. Hashem is in control. But, it is so hard when it is your own child who hurts us so badly. I have been trying to understand, but I guess time will tell. At the moment, I cannot simply share my lilfe with a child who has turn from G-d and shamed me. I thank Chabad for this teachings. I have no Rabbi, priest, to speak about my trouble. I can only reach out directly to Hashem to help me emotionally, spiritually and physically. Hashem is my strength, my shield, and my refuge. Thank you for such a wonderful teaching. Blessings Reply

Anonymous Scottsdale, AZ January 2, 2012

How to Get Rid of a Grudge This is something I have so much trouble with, especially when another person gets very angry at me and doesn't apologize. Would you please give me some simple steps on how to let things go and forgive? I, then, kick myself for being unforgiving. Thank you. Reply

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