ב"ה

“You Ruined My Life!”

Getting Over Resentment

Autoplay Next

"You Ruined My Life!": Getting Over Resentment

Learning how to heal from emotional pain from the past is not just about feeling better. It’s about removing the one thing that most blocks us from living our true lives.

Audio:	Listen to Audio \| Download this MP3
Topics:	Divine Providence, Resentment; Revenge

By Shais Taub

Rabbi Shais Taub is a noted speaker, author, and columnist, who serves as scholar-in-residence of Chabad of the Five Towns. His talks and classes may be seen on SoulWords.org.

Join the Discussion

Sort By:

NewestOldest

64 Comments

NaomiLeah18 Van Nuys CA August 9, 2022

Esteemed Rabbi Taub -
In regards to saying that the only thing Yosef’s brothers were accountable for was their evil intent, and that was something they needed to do teshuva with G-d for - - - but don’t Chazal tell us that before we can repent with G-d we need to seek forgiveness from the person(s) we wronged? Sure, the brothers didn’t author Yosef’s live, but they did sell him to traders… and they should seek his forgiveness for that as part of their teshuvah?
Over all, message received loud and clear. Chazak ubaruch Reply

Louey August 1, 2022

I may be misunderstanding the Rabbi, but how can people honestly think abuse is part of G-d's "story" for a person? I don't believe abuse is ever part of G-d's story for a person. Reply

Fruma Schapiro Los Angeles July 9, 2020

Question:
When you answer the question what am I needed for in this situation, how do you drum up the appropriate emotion to do what you’re needed for? I can do the act but not always generate the emotion. Some acts are only genuine if you really enjoy the setting or the person involved. Reply

Anonymous May 8, 2017

Thank you Rabbi Taub.
When I watch this video and think about it, it helps me to internalize this and stop feeling bullied by everyone. Reply

Lila Gonzalez Cornwall, ON January 18, 2017

Thank you so much Rabbi for all the wisdom you share. Reply

Anonymous CA November 22, 2016

Thank you Thank you Rabbi Shais Taub for this speech and for posting it online so I can see it whenever I need. It gives me strength.
Thank you for bringing the concept and story od Yosef down in such a powerful, practical and effective manner. Reply

K October 8, 2016

Im trying Thanks for your message. I am so hurt by my ex and the past and how he left and remarried so fast. It hurts so much and I know it is because I still love him. He just doesn't care that every single day he is hurting his son and me. Just don't understand how one mistake would make him leave me so fast. What bothers me the most is that I can't date because he was the love of my life, my last love my everything. So I am seeking out advice and inspiration to get stronger and move on. Tanks, I will come back and listen to this video and hopefully heal, though there will always be a scar, a reminder of sorts of what I lost. Reply

Samantha NY July 9, 2016

I appreciated the message of this lecture and find it comforting (though a real challenge to fully accept) that those I feel have harmed in my life never really harmed me - they simply don't have the power to do so. I'm not sure how to find true comfort to really accept the fact that many people intentionally harm others. Rape, abuse, terrorism, - it all seems to come from such a coarse place, where the person doesn't see the humanity in their victim and intentionally exposes them to pain. However, I guess the message here is that such a person is sick - and we can pray for them. Yet when I do see someone intentionally hurting another - praying on their weaknesses and trying to weaken them further - a well of dislike and anger comes up in me - I wish I could stop it.... Reply

miriam Melbourne, Australia July 9, 2016

Truly resonates the idea of old resentments!
A friend even said that to me over a pain i was crying over many years later.
"I hear that you're upset..." he said, "But that was years ago... why, why is it still so raw?"
And I didn't have an answer. Why on earth was I still brought to tears over pain/mistreatment that happened 10 years ago?
Resentment - "re" evoking the sentiment, of that pain, is my issue. What they did to me wasn't about me - and not is everything about here... we are here to fulfil G-d's mission for us and He's with us every step of the way... Reply

wendy ostrich brooklyn November 7, 2015

this truly helped me to reflect on my attitude regarding my feelings on persons who have wronged me....and, yes, I understand that all has happened for a reason....it is G-d's will for my story and my life's experience and lessons.....Thank You!!!!!! Reply

Aaron Lemke August 1, 2015

tiny problem ... I just downloaded the lecture and sort of hit a wall after a couple of minutes.Certainly,the pain reflex exists so that we back out of the situation.

But,saying that feeling that pain at a later point is never warranted/productive is a logical fallacy.
Why? Because there might just be times,we could not get out of the Situation.
Children cannot escape abuse.
In a case such as this,the pain we feel into adulthood still serves a purpose.
By confronting it,we can back out now.

Some occurences in life simply can't be compared with stumping your toe.
Broken ribs will take longer not only to heal,but to stop hurting.

Sorry for the impulsive rant,guess you hit a nerve there.
Maybe,this was what I needed. Reply

Schneur July 12, 2015

Question Thank you Rabbi Taub for this amazing talk, it is somethIng that I have been thinking a lot about lately. Question: How does one know if when one is being mistreated that he is to view this as an act coming from God, or maybe right now my role is to stand up for myself? If my boss is mistreating me, am I to say "God is the author of my life, he is orchastrating this, my boss is just the supporting cast", or do I say to myself "This is my God given mission right now to stand up to my boss and try to prevent the abuse?"

If anyone has some insight it would be appreciated.Thanks. Reply

Yaakov May 25, 2022

in response to Schneur:

Rabbi Akiva Tatz has a great book called Will, Freedom, and Destiny. There is a great variety of topics in the book. One of which is decision making. His outline is that you must analyze the situation, decide, and then be faithful to the decision. In arriving at the the decision you must assess/consider your overall objectives. He also discusses how to approach Divine foreknowledge and free will of individuals. I sense that taken to the extreme, your argument is that you have to decide nothing/could do anything because G-d is the author and whatever happens is for the good. But I'm not sure it absolves you of the responsibility decide what to do in that situation. I think Rabbi Taub mentions setting boundaries in this lecture. So decide where the boundary is and how to enforce it. See how it plays out and pay attention to whether G-d sends you more information which will inform your next decision. Reply

Pedro Quezada January 17, 2015

clarity thank you :
it was so clear . thank you for the message...
you are so funny !!!!!!
and still deliver ..
you have talent......
G-D runs the show
and
we just show up...(simple)
-beautiful-

the hot do story had me on the floor...HA---ha
in omaha...wow

(you have the change) great delivery , made sense

one question ?
meyers---pslams

this video must be watched 2x...there is alot in this...

Rabbi taub..- you are Wise.. Reply

Anonymous Oregon via chabadoregon.com December 21, 2014

Your words have helped me more than I can articulate. You also made me crack a smile with your sense of humor. Reply

CBT Lakewood NJ December 9, 2014

Phenomenal! Wow! Thank You! You are something incredible Rabbi. Reply

Anonymous Mexico October 2, 2014

This is so revealing. I am not Jewish, but I am a Kabbalah student and have actually changed!! But your words just before Yom Kippur make me think about so many things. I think this is God's way of telling me: This is what you have to do. I will keep coming back to your video until I can assimilate every bit of learning. Blessings. Reply

Anonymous July 25, 2014

Thank you! This was an answer to my prayers. God is the author of my life. God Bless You! Reply

Anonymous June 10, 2014

watching My cousin mentioned this talk in a conversation. The topic is very healing and unbelievably important. Thank you for making this accessable. Reply

Yaakov Ben=Shmuel Yerushalayim April 26, 2014

question please ? First of all, I learn a lot from this video. I said learn & not learned because each & every time I repeat this video I learn something new. Thank you.
I am curious, when you use the term 'resentment' does that only apply to the classical situation when someone is a recipient of a negative act or speech and no reconciliation was ever accomplished or just something like having a more clever & intelligent sibling or parent or child which you think limits your abilities? Thank your for all your efforts.
Reply

Anonymous December 1, 2013

Question After I have taken away the power from my tormentor (my brother) should I invite him to my child's wedding? Reply

"You Ruined My Life!": Getting Over Resentment

More in this section

You may also be interested in...

Join the Discussion