“Send men for yourself to tour the land.” (Numbers 13:1)
“Meaning that G‑d said: I am not telling you what to do. If you so decide, send.” (Rashi ad loc.)
The spies were sent to view first-hand the lay of the land, its beauty and its weaknesses, so that it could be transformed into a holy land.
Our souls are sent to this world to reveal its beauty and facilitate its blossoming into the divine world it was meant to be.
But to transform a world, you must work from within. And that means using your mind and taking risks. Yes, you will make your decisions according to the Torah that you learn. You will ask advice from those with wisdom and experience.
But at the end of the day, spending your life mission like a salaried employee following instructions is not going to change the world.
You have to take ownership of your mission in life, making informed decisions and sticking to them—decisions that come from you as you are here in this world, with all the uncertainty and hazard that this world carries with it.
Because real change is always an inside job.
This gave me things to ponder. In theory, a great plan, it does seem to work for some. As for me, after I've decided to execute my plan, unforeseen obstacles arise then it gets so complicated and stressful that I get too exhausted; then I'm left without feeling like I accomplished much.
I've learned a lot about myself, and the world, but as far as changing things, I pretty much am the same as I always have been. I have grown spiritually but as far as changing basically, all I strive to do is live up to my own convictions.
As far as I'm concerned I played the hand I was given as best I could. I can honestly say, as far as others are concerned I have always been objective about myself and considered others needs before my own; not above my own but before me.
Now I'm old, my health is failing and I'm in constant physical pain, so I keep more to myself because it's harder to be as patient as I'd like to be. I don't think I've changed but my situation has so I cut myself a little slack.