You ask, “How can I be happy if I am not?”
True, you can’t control the way you feel, but you do have control over your conscious thought, speech and actions.
Do something simple: Think good thoughts, speak good things, behave the way a joyful person behaves—even if you don’t fully feel it inside. Eventually, the inner joy of the soul will break through.
Happiness is a choice, an attitude and a means of viewing this life’s circumstances. G-d repeats a lesson until we learn it! Reply
Whether it leads to happiness or not may be open, but I believe a more appropriate starting point is to recognize and accept that
I control how I feel;
I do not control how others feel.
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I have often heard this concept...could you maybe share the (a) source for further reading? Reply
True, indeed! Very true, indeed! Thanks for sharing. Reply
Simple path to joy Thank you Rabbi Schneerson, again G-d is showing me what to do in my life, I recently upset my fifteen year old old son with the way I speak (seems I speak in a negative way about situations in life and circumstances at times and don't always realize it), this has been getting him down. While out having a meal at a local restaurant I made a comment which he felt was negative, which upset him. This put a strain on our relationship over the last few days. He sent a text today saying how sorry he was about the situation, I returned a text explaining all fault was with me. Then this Shabbat, going through my study I open your (Chabad) email on Daily dose, helped a lot, thank you brother, G-d bless you. Reply
JOY mastery over thoughts? - for me, a huge endeavor!! but such a difference it can make in every-day life. it's so worth the effort Reply
cognitive therapy
Your DD sounds like the fundamentals of cognitive therapy. If you challenge that which you fear, at least drop your negative attitude, You might find out that your fear was unfounded.
i am not a psychologist. i do believe what i wrote above is accurate. One thing that keeps me from saying it with certainty is that i don;t know how you go about things if what negative (s ) you thought would happen does happen, self fulfilling negative prophecy. My guess is that you have to keep trying and if your fears are allayed often enough then you can deal with other fears more effectively until most of your fear/negativethinking is alleviated.
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Simple path
I read the comments on "fake it until you make it" and agree with Rabbi Freeman's comment that the choice of words is "a lousy path." For me, faking it is a somewhat negative defense mechanism and one that I used as a younger woman ... it was a reactive response.
I much prefer "act as if"; while it is true that the results may be the same over time, acting as if is a conscious choice and is a positive mechanism for getting out of a negative thought process or action. If nothing else, people will not be miserable in my presence.
One of Abraham Lincoln's quotes is "most people are as happy as they choose to be." I like the simplicity of this quote, as well as the reminder in this daily dose to "think good thoughts, speak good things and behave the way a joyful person behaves"; experience and age have taught me that inner joy will eventually break through.
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For Rabbi Tzvi Freeman #105
From Enivel
I agree completely that what I (or you, or anyone) tells another cannot change that person's feelings. Only that person can change their own feelings.
And that person can choose to be happy, or to be otherwise. Again my fundamental question: Why would anyone choose to be unhappy. I don't have a good answer - the only partial answer that makes any sense to me is many people do not realize that they have the choice to be happy.
Shabbat Shalom
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taking time Rabbi Freeman, I dare to say that I also agree that it takes a decision, a choice to feel what we want, or to have the attitude that we want, NOT time. If it takes time then how much time? How come for some it would take longer time, and for others it may take less? What is being done during the time taken? Is it not a decision that is forming during that time? It's like what comes first, the chicken or the egg. There are times when we are commanded to rejoice. Do we say. "Not yet G-d. I need more time."? Or can we perhaps, if we so choose, go "l'chatchila ariber" and make the choice to be happy? I would like to challenge you, as well as myself, to use this yom tov (festival) as a time to go beyond seichel (our own understanding) in a sense. To be happy by choice . To sing and dance and rejoice from a place of desire to do G-d's will, not mine. L'chatchila Ariber and good Yom Tov! Reply
For Enivel
Enivel, did your mother ever tell you, "Eat that broccoli, and enjoy it!"
You can tell a person to do something he doesn't want to do. Or to say something he doesn't want to say. Or to think about something he was not thinking about.
But you can't tell him, "Change your feelings, right now!"
Victor Frankl took an idea that was common knowledge among Jews and made it popular: That you can change your attitude and your feelings by changing what you are thinking about. But it takes time. And that's exactly what we are talking about here.
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Of all your postings, and I've read many, this is the first one I've found to be pointing directly the wrong way. We DO control how we feel. It is that simple. Period. That's one thing that Victor Frankl taught us. No one else controls how I feel. I control how I feel. Which leads me to THE question I've pondered for a long time now: Why would anyone choose to be unhappy? Reply
Misinterpretation
Faking it until you make it is a lousy path. That is not at all what is written here. You can't fool yourself into happiness.
What we are talking about is having some mastery over your thoughts. You can't control your feelings. You need to acknowledge, "Yes, I am sad. But I don't have to play host all my waking hours to those thoughts of self-pity and misery. I can slam the door in their face and instead focus on all that is good in my life. If my left arm has gone missing, I can think about the fact that I still have my right arm. If I dropped the ball in this play, I can think about how I will catch it and run in the next."
Perhaps that sounds silly to some. But the fact is, it's the only way to break out of depression.
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feelings... Your words today were, as usual, perfect in their timing and precise with their insightful wisdom. May G-d bless you greatly - you are a light in a sometimes darkened world. Reply
simple path let's remember that we are DO BE's we do and we are...Yes, I can just be happy no matter what, if I so choose. A wise man recommended: "go home, bring the cow and chickens and goat into the house, also invite your in-laws....wait a few days...when all are back in their place how do you feel?" Reply
Controling how I feel... Taking control of my thoughts, attitudes and actions is how to control how I feel. Reply
simple path Ah, the old fake it 'til you make it. It truly does work, I've found, if you work it. It doesn't happen in an instant, but over time you realize that you do indeed feel better. Maybe not ecstatic joy, but certainly you start to feel serenity. Reply
105. Simple Path
What are considered good thoughts? Are our thoughts good or bad? Perhaps if we saw that our thoughts are all important and have purpose ... then we could see that we too are ALL important and have purpose. Perhaps if we accept our thoughts as they are rather than trying to control them, then we may see that it is the attempt at control that might be making us unhappy.
If we are able to accept ourselves in this same way, without judgement, just as we are ... isn't that the key to being happy?
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Simply a choice
If happiness is a choice, then are not all feelings simply choices that we DO have control over? ("While there are both internal and external factors which contribute to a person's happiness, ultimately, a person can choose to foster a sense of happiness. We can see this from the fact that the Torah actually demands happiness, and chastises us for not having served Him with joy (Deuteronomy 28:47) and commands us to be joyous on the holidays (Deuteronomy 15:14).")
Doesn't intellect rule over the emotions? Doing good in thought, speech, and deed can set the stage for an easier choice, but ultimately, isn't what we feel simply a response to what we choose to think regarding our circumstances and situations?
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Control over our conscious thought (as well as speech and action) does provide us control over how we feel.
An example of I control how I feel: if someone pats my knee at an unwanted time, I feel fear/anger, while if someone pats my knee to say “good job”, I feel happy/proud. Same stimulus, but totally opposite feeling. I control that.