Sometimes you don’t know whether to punish a child or hug him. If you punish him when he needed a hug, you’ve made a serious mistake.
But if you hug him when perhaps he should have been punished, you’ve just brought some extra love into the world.
We all need kindness and consideration. Rabbi is so right. Thank you once again. Reply
Wow! Very different from what the world says! Quite different from common sense which says you should not caress a child who deserves punishment. Reply
Learning the Surprize The very few times my father punnished me I can count on my fingers-on one hand-most of the time they were so surprizing that it was the shock of them that left me spellbound and without a thought to think-thus the idea for me to be into dance improvisation or music improv-these few phrases were a surprize for me and yes I agree that if you hug that child instead of punnishing that child you have just brought more love into the world than you could expect. Reply
nope i strongly disagree. you confuse them. should not get good feelings when it is a wrong thing to do. they need honest true reactions. Reply
Punishment vs Hug
Only reason for punishment is to stop the bad behavior immediately and perhaps many other behaviors inadvertently. For instance, kid runs into street after a red balloon -- grab kid out of street (punishment) and offer alternative strategies (not punishment) and bond (do something the kid likes -- hug).
In general, punishments suppress behaviors -- good and bad, at least for a time. A reinforcement enhances displayed behavior. I think a hug is usually a reinforcement. An easy way to find out: hug and if the kid vomits, it wasn't; but if the kid smiles at you, it was.
:-)
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Great subject
A million books on the subject and a million methods. Yours is as good as any.
For sure , you want a child to trust you. You must earn it. For sure you want your child to have faith in you. You must earn that too. Now, how you create that trust and faith which is what we would refer to as love is very tricky. It's a tightrope. And if you don't know the difference between trust and faith, you are already in trouble. Torah is very specific on these two.
Torah teaches to give positive reinforcement liberally and negative reinforcement ( politically correct way to say punishment ) delicately. This is great as long as it works It doesn't always work. So there are a million books to figure it out.
Whatever advice you hear or read from so called parenting experts or rebbetzins you still have to figure it out. Oh by the way, rebbetzins are more responsible for childhood rearing because rabbis are not delicate enough. How do you like that ?!
Funny how children can be as different as ...
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punishing a child All I can say is " Amen" . Just beautiful and true Reply
Use positive reinforcement
When my baby was a year old, he started pulling my books off the shelves. I'd come into the room and find a pile of books on the floor, so I watched until I caught him doing it. I gently held his little head facing me and said, "Those are MY books. Leave them alone." Notice I said what TO DO, rather than what to avoid doing. Of course he still wanted to do it. It was lots of fun. I kept watching and there he was: he held his hand by a book saying, "No....no...." and then he pulled down another book. He held his hand by the next book, hesitating, saying "No....no....." and pulled it down. I was so close. I waited another moment until he said, "NO..." and I gave him a big hug and kiss. "What a good boy! You remembered Mama said to leave the books alone!" Notice I gave him the hug and kiss just as he had said No. He never did it again. I did this with other things too. It works!
Reward obedience and you'll have little need to punish disobedience.
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To Susan
But he taught your brother to be self-destructive.
I think we should avoid thinking of punishing a child. The word "punish" means to hurt. It is like taking vengeance. What we want is something different from vegeance. We want the child to learn the right way.
If we are teaching algebra, do we hit students who have difficulty? No, we guide them. The same with a small child. If he plays with something which should be left alone, put it out of reach and if this is impossible, watch him, and lead him away from it if he goes near. When he is old enough to understand language, explain why he must do this and not that--and meanwhile prevent him from doing wrong. If he runs into a busy street, a smack on the bottom may be in order if it comes AT ONCE. Negative reinforcement must be swift and certain or it fails to get any good results. If a child "gets away with it" even once, he is tempted to try again. Instead, get big on positive reinforcement. Give BIG rewards.
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PUNISHMENT When my father did his parenting he operated out of an old world view. He had a temper. He was also kind and loving. Reply
Entry 274. (Fighting Crime) from Rabbi Freeman in second book says:
If you tell a child, “Keep this rule because if you don’t you will be punished!” the child has two doubts in his mind: Maybe he won’t be caught, and if he is caught, maybe the punishment won’t outweigh the crime.
The child has to know that there is an eye that sees, an ear that hears --that there is a Higher Unseen Being to which he is answerable. This is the only way to reduce crime in America.
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your children will choose your nursing home
A quote: "Be nice to your children, they'll choose your nursing home."
Our children copy us. They become us by copying our examples, so we should treat them the way we will want them to treat us when we are old and dependent upon them.
Perhaps the world would be a gentler place if we attempted to use thoughtful wisdom more often, and smacking less. Our children will copy our behavior, and ultimately we will be dependent upon them the way they are dependent upon us now.
"Darkness cannot drive out darkness;
only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate;
only love can do that.
Hate multiplies hate,
violence multiplies violence,
and toughness multiplies toughness
in a descending spiral of destruction....
The chain reaction of evil --
hate begetting hate,
wars producing more wars --
must be broken,
or we shall be plunged
into the dark abyss of annihilation."
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Re: MY FATHERS Punishmnent When the razor blade cut your brother's skin, he learned why it was a bad idea to play with razor blades. At that point, after he cut himself accidentally, he understood not to play with the blade again because he had learned by cutting himself accidentally. When I was three my Mother told me not to touch the heater. I touched it. The pain of the burn was enough to explain to me why touching the heater was a bad idea, and smacking me for it would not have added anything productive to the experience. Reply
Punishment Punishment can be just as loving as a hug. Children need to know the consequences of their actions because it is one of the waysthey develop a sense of self and security. By experiencing that some of their actions are worthy of hugs and some are not worthy of hugs, they learn right from wrong, mine from yours, safe form unsafe, in other words, derech eretz. Indiscriminate hugs can produce brats rather than responsible human beings who follow Torah. Reply
Punishment Is this not sending confusing signals to the kid in regard to what is right and wrong. Reply
A punishment can always be followd by a hug. The 2 don't need to be mutually exclusive Reply
Wait a second.
If a child has done sometihing wrong, he needs to know it.
If we reward him for it, he'll do it again. And, he'll be confused.
Of course, if we punish a child who hasn't done anything wrong, that is confusing too.
It really does matter that we be clear what we expect. If we want the child to stop the behavior, we must discourage it at once, and firmly. For example, we must never allow a child to hit us (or anyone else if we can help it). We must grab his little hands and prevent such behavior. We need not be harsh, but we must be clear and consistent.
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MY FATHERS Punishmnent When my brother was young he took my father's razor out of the bathroom and cut himself, my brother was smacked. When my brother was hurt in a motorcycle accident he never told our father. My brother never was hospitaized, fear of dad's rath, Reply
...and maybe, just maybe, a murderer.