Religious, But Not Extremist

Question:

I admit I am attracted to many of the aspects of traditional Jewish life—a beautiful Shabbat family meal, a kosher kitchen, a good Jewish education for my kids. But I don’t want to be one of those religious extremists. I don’t want to go that far. I’m trying to set what my borders are. Can you help me?

Response:

You remind me of the day my daughter came home from school and told me of a new girl in her class who came from a small family: she had only four siblings!

You see, my daughter at the time was one of seven. Many of her friends came from even larger families. To her, five children was a small family.

When I shared this story with some friends, one of them remarked, “What’s a large family? A family with two more children than you have. If you have two children, four is a large family; if you have six, eight is a large family; if you have twelve children, fourteen is a large family . . .”

What is an extremist? Is someone who keeps kosher an extremist? A man who wears a beard? Someone who won’t answer the phone on Shabbat? Someone who believes in G‑d? Someone who prays? Every day? Three times a day? Someone who will not marry out? Everyone’s definition of extremism is different—and a lot of it is relative to where you are at a particular stage in your life.

So don’t worry about being an extremist. Continue your voyage of growth in the study of Torah and the observance of mitzvahs. Slowly but steadily, climb the ladder one step at a time, moving upwards, ever upwards . . .

Rabbi Joshua ben Perachiah would teach (Ethics 1:6), “Assume for yourself a master [spiritual guide/teacher/mentor]; acquire for yourself a friend.” Find a rabbi (or rebbetzin) who will serve as a spiritual guide. Become a part of a community that will support and encourage your growth as a Jew. You should be able to find both at a Chabad center near you.

May your journey towards your roots and your essence be blessed with much success.

Mrs. Chaya Sarah Silberberg

By Chaya Sarah Silberberg

Chaya Sarah Silberberg serves as the rebbetzin of the Bais Chabad Torah Center in West Bloomfield, Michigan, since 1975. She also counsels, lectures, writes, and responds for Chabad.org’s Ask the Rabbi service.

All names of persons and locations or other identifying features referenced in these questions have been omitted or changed to preserve the anonymity of the questioners.

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17 Comments

Anonymous August 23, 2014

Bravo Perfect answer. I will quote this. Thank you. Reply

smb August 21, 2014

There are many different Jews. Some of us have a small kippah, some wear a hat, and so on. I agree, that we should just try to keep growing. For some people, they agree with Kosher and Shabbos, but still want tv. Maybe one might feel no tv is extreme. But there are people who don't watch because it's a waste of time, so it's not really extreme. I agree that with anything we are working on, we need to do one step at a time Reply

Anonymous August 20, 2014

I might say go in he path of what your conscience tells you and follow your heart.
Sometimes as parents we forget to get in touch with the responses our children. It is not so much what they say but what their body language tells you.
In this world of ours it seems push them to do this and to that. However like the struggle I have with my kids on this topic there is a fine line.

I think telling them what expectations you have of your kids with brief explanations that he or she can relate to helps out all the way around. Make your reasons relate to what they kids there age are going through now, : movies, conflict between peers, music they like... Expose them to G-d's law as much as possible and most important: accepting people from different faiths that they are neither less then us. G-d made man, women and then children like a young tree planted it grows and sprouts everywhere and thus this will happen if they read the Torah and lessons it teaches us. Reply

Zusel ben Shlomo UPstate August 20, 2014

Questioner, take heart. Although I basically agree with Chaya Sarah, the task of setting boundaries also applies to born Jews. The analogy of a ladder is a good one. the issue is which way are you heading. Although Chabad will not accept it, for some, a Reform conversion may be an important step. I know individuals who have moved from a Reform conversion, to a Conservative congregation and ultimately a fully Orthodox, shomer Shabbos, Shomer mitzvah life.
With regard to extremists, the statements about attitude are important. It is one thing to impose stringencies (or humras) on ones self. However it has become the practice in some communities to create more and more humras and expect conformity by everyone in the community. this is often labeled "extreme" by other very knowledgeable and observant Jews. If you choose to move forward and fully convert to Judaism, I would urge you to keep in mind, klal Yisrael chaverim" All Jews are one fellowship, --even if some go overboard. Reply

Hannah Pittsburgh August 20, 2014

Not to worry! I agree with Kyle, extremism is so much less to do with what you do than how and with what attitude you do it. Stay pure of heart and mind, doing things for yourself and your family, and it will be hard to become and extremist. Reply

Gershom Fine Folsom, California August 20, 2014

On being Jewish If I do not keep a kosher kitchen am I a Jew? If I am not orthodox, am I a Jew? If I do not keep all these little holidays-am I a Jew? Well let us see, when anti-Semitic nogoodnicks hurl insults at the orthodox walking, I stop them, I fight them. Am I a Jew? I stick up for our people, I never keep on walking like so many of you do. Am I a Jew? It seems that I am a Jew, I am the Hebrew Hammer! Reply

kyle August 18, 2014

the way I see being an extremist is not in regards to how strict one's belief or practice is but his/her attitude towards others who don't have the same level of strictness or belief. The moement one looks down upon someone for either doing to much or not doing enough you have crossed the line into being extreme. just my thought on the matter. G-d bless you. Reply

Tyler August 18, 2014

This is excellent! Thank you so much for posting it! Reply

Anonymous Georgia May 6, 2014

Religious, But Not Extremist Rebbetzin Chaya... - again, another instructional article filled with wisdom - and again, thank you! Sometimes I believe people have 'extremist' confused with 'difference' or 'non-conformity' to the ways of the Main Stream. Yes I realize that 'some' people can & do go too far - but that (so far) in no way includes the majority of believing people; and because we all grow & progress differently we must remember that G_D has something wonderful for us to learn & to retain at each level... - and some levels will be exhilarating & joyful, and some levels will be pensive, reflective, & quit. As you stated, "Continue your voyage of growth in the study of Torah and the observance of mitzvahs," this is the important word - continue (endure), it's all one day at a time & the journey & learning with G_D is eternal. Shalom-Shalom Reply

kyle April 27, 2014

the real definition of an extremist A person can follow all of the most stringent views of Jewish law and not be an extremist and a person could also follow no parts of Halachah and still be an extremist. What I mean is that wherever you are in your journey to become closer to G-d you have the danger of becoming an extremist the minute you start disparaging others because they are either more or less strict in terms of belief and practice than you are. Judaism is not an all or nothing type of a deal. Religion is all or nothing and religion is what says you do this or believe this to get to heaven or to benefit you in some manner. Judaism isn't about religion nor is it about "you" (myself included. it's not about me) There is a great talk which explains this further by rabbi manis friedman which is called WARNING! Religion May be Harmful to Your Health! Reply

Anonymous Tel Aviv November 26, 2012

OMG! You are so much right. Reply

debbie royal palm, florida December 21, 2010

Thank you to all. I've printed all of your replies and want to say thank you. When I get home I'll read them all again...but just wanted to thank all of you...
Peace Reply

Mrs. Chaya Sarah Silberberg December 21, 2010

RE: Ladders The truth is that it is perfectly ok for you to serve G-d as a gentile/Noahide. Judaism does not claim that you must be a Jew in order to be a good person, to have a relationship with G-d, or to go to heaven – or even to study Torah. “The righteous among the nations,” said the Jewish sages, “also have a share in the world to come.”

Torah, in fact, is not for Jews alone; it is a great light for all people. And Torah teaches that long before it was given at Sinai, Adam and Eve were given the fundamental laws of civilization. Later repeated to Noah and his sons, they became known as the "Seven Noahide Laws." This Code is an acceptable and appropriate path of Divine service for a gentile in this world.

By all means, continue visiting our site (which is not for Jews only – lots of Judaism is universal, like KabbalaToons). Subscribe to our weeklies and our dailies. Make yourself at home.

But if you wish to continue on your journey to Judaism, you must understand that the most essential element of conversion is your complete and total acceptance of Torah and mitzvahs. Are you truly ready and willing to change your entire lifestyle? And the big question - is your husband willing to accommodate you in this? Will you keep Shabbat (even if your husband won’t), eat only kosher at home and out of the home (even if Hubby chooses to have shrimp cocktail)? Send your children to a Torah school? Will you be able to observe the laws of family purity and mikvah? Your husband doesn’t have to be observant for you to receive a proper (Orthodox) conversion, but he must accede to your living a Torah life.

I’m going to be very honest with you, because you deserve to know the truth. If you don’t believe that your husband will co-operate, or that you will be able to do it on your own – my advice is that you stay on the Noahide track…

(By the way – never underestimate the power of a good woman. Many a husband who has professed no interest in Judaism has been gently steered back to his heritage by a loving, non-judgmental wife who has made living Judaism a very beautiful thing. May I recommend my article, How do I keep a kosher kitchen when my husband still wants to cook shrimp? )

If you still want to continue, you need to go to a Bet Din – a Rabbinic Court – that performs conversions. If the rabbis are convinced of your sincerity they will prescribe for you a course of study; they will not convert you until you are familiar with basic Jewish principles and – even more important – how to live and practice as a Torah observant Jew. Only after you have completed this course of study, and you demonstrate that you are determined to live totally according to halacha – Jewish law – will they perform a conversion.

You do not need to convert. But if you choose to, there's only one way that can happen.

Whatever your final decision is, I wish you good luck! Reply

IF RH, Israel December 21, 2010

ladders-royal palm beach the only help comes from G-d. Talk to Him from a quiet place where nobody can disturb you every day and tell Him everything that you feel and for His help. He will listen just have that faith and don’t give up. When you learn how to do this you will be amazed what will come from your soul that you are not even aware of. Ask Him to be your guide and teacher; I assure you He will guide you. Read Psalms they will give you strength. Don’t despair because live is a journey and when you invite G-d on this journey with you then no matter what will happen it will be the right thing. G-d bless you. Reply

Chano Hillel Boca Raton, FL December 19, 2010

Always reaching, always growing We should always strive to be better, and therefore always climb as indicated in the prior analogy. It is the pace in which we do it that is different, not whether or not we should climb or not. While one may climb one rung per year, another may climb a dozen. Reply

Anonymous royal palm beach, florida December 19, 2010

ladders Thank you for the insight. I was in a reform conversion process when I met my jewish husband & didn't know the difference between reform and orthodox then, but now I know & don't consider it a conversion anymore. I want very badly to have a spiritual & observant life. He doesn't. Now I hear I'm better off a gentile/noahide!! So a step closer on the ladder is OK for him, but an accountability issue for me? All or nothing? I've studied Torah almost every day for 10-15 yrs. but don't talk about it. Nobody shares my excitement in learning. I keep it all inside -too hard to explain BUT I WANT my husband to feel it too! I had NO idea how secular secular can be! Now there's dissappointment because I really thought I'd be living a jewish spiritual life! I'm sure it's a mitzvah to do it on my own & maybe raise his level just a tiny bit, but I KNOW I won't be able to STAY observant by myself. help Reply

Viviane new york, NY December 17, 2010

Extreme Hi! I would like to bring out a point. I think that when a person is starting to keep judaism, we shouldn't push her to an extreme. If the woman already said she doesn't want to be extreme, it's fine. She should feel confortable on the level she chose as long as she feels conected to G-d and to herself.
Also, the coment about the ladder implies that where she is is not good enough rather than let her discover judaism at her own pace and being ok with where she is now! Reply

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