Hi,

My daughters do not stop fighting. One daughter even told her sister that it would not bother her if she dies!

This has been an issue in our house for quite some time. Is there any advice you can give me?

Answer:

Fighting among siblings is certainly the norm, so much so that my mother used to say in jest, “If there are no feuds between siblings, there must be something wrong.”

Personally, I grew up with brothers (they also fight, but a little differently than sisters), and my best friend grew up in a home with many girls. She describes a similar scene to what you are experiencing—what we call “the birth pangs of child rearing.”

Today this friend’s sisters have each started their own families. Not only are they no longer fighting, they are a very tight-knit clan. In fact, the siblings that clashed the most are now on the best of terms!

Don’t despair! There is hope for the future.

In regards to the current situation, in my opinion there is no way to completely stop the bickering, but the overall situation can improve.

  • Do not react. It is most important that the kids do not see that they are successful in tormenting you. Try to stay calm, giving the impression that the argument is just a childish quarrel that they should deal with on their own.
  • Who is guilty? Do not label any of the parties as the aggravator. In all fights, both sides are in it together, even if one child seems more vulnerable than the other, one is bigger, or one is stronger. This week I witnessed two children fighting—one older and strong-looking child, the other a younger and more scrawny child. I watched as the weaker-looking child kept tapping the back of the older child, annoying him over and over, until he grabbed the scrawny child’s arm, pushing him away. The child ran to his mother crying. The mother, who did not witness the incident, immediately reprimanded the well-built son. Had I not seen the incident play out with my own eyes, I would likely have had the same reaction as the mother. Instead, I learnt to be careful before labeling any child as “right” or “wrong.”
  • Discuss the issue. Speak to the children, first separately and then together. Try to see what is bothering them. Is one jealous of the other? Does one feel left out? Sometimes children need a parent to help them come to a solution.
  • Create boundaries. Decide what you consider to be crossing the red line, and make it very clear to all parties. For example, using one’s hands is totally off limits. Using certain words will not be tolerated. Once they know their boundaries, and they know that there will be consequences, and that you will follow through, in most cases children will stick to within those boundaries.
  • Occupy them. The more that they are occupied, the less time they will have to quarrel. Look for ways to keep them busy with positive activities.
  • Outside the home. Check to see if the sisters also fight outside the home. Most likely, this is not the case. If they are acting the same way in public, consider getting some professional assistance, since that may be out of the norm.

I am certain you will enjoy much parental pleasure from all your children, and soon you will be able to jest together about the days when their fighting sounded like the onset of World War III.