When is a Jew not a Jew?

Question:

Our daughter is dating a young man age 27 who professes to be a Christian. My daughter is a committed Christian. We met his parents last night and found that they were orthodox Jews. Are they obligated to disown their son if he professes to them that he is a Christian?

Answer:

Judaism is really quite unique – can you imagine a person who does not believe in Christ calling himself a Christian? Or someone who does not follow the teachings of Mohammed and the Koran calling himself a Muslim? A Buddhist is one who follows the teachings of Buddhism, and a Hindu practices Hinduism – otherwise he is not a Buddhist or a Hindu.

Yet we have Jews who are perfectly happy to be known as “Jewish atheists,” Jews who follow Buddhism, even “Jewish Christians.” How can that be? Aren't these contradictions in terms? The answer is that, while a Jew should act as a Jew, being Jewish has nothing to do with “religion” or “Judaism.” What makes a person Jewish is the Jewish soul with which he was born, a certain spark of G‑dliness that is the core and the fiber of his existence. This spark – while it may lie dormant, or sometimes, G‑d forbid, even comatose – can never be extinguished. Even if it is rejected, it is still there. Its existence does not depend on the deeds it performs or the beliefs it holds. Those deeds and beliefs connect the soul to G‑d; they do not create the soul. A Jew who has never performed a mitzvah in his life is no less Jewish than the greatest Rabbi. He’s just less connected.

While it most certainly causes great pain to parents, and probably generates quite a bit of friction in the family, parents may or may not reject a child who rejects Judaism and/or who professes to be a Christian. There is always the hope that he will return to the heritage of his parents and his people.

However, Jewish parents have traditionally disowned children who have married out of the faith ‑ remember Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof? Why? Two reasons:

1. In the case of a Jewish man who marries a non‑Jewish woman – since Judaism is matrilineal, their children will not be Jewish. With this marriage, the 3000 year old chain of Judaism is effectively terminated.

2. Marrying out of the faith, and establishing a non‑Jewish home is the ultimate rejection of Judaism.

Your daughter's boyfriend has done her a dis‑service if he has not shared this information with her. He is a Jew and always will be a Jew. If your daughter is considering marriage with this young man, she should be aware that they can never really accept her as a daughter‑in‑law, or her children as grandchildren.

Yours truly,

Chaya Sarah Silberberg

Chaya Sarah Silberberg serves as the rebbetzin of the Bais Chabad Torah Center in West Bloomfield, Michigan, since 1975. She also counsels, lectures, writes, and responds for Chabad.org’s Ask the Rabbi service.

All names of persons and locations or other identifying features referenced in these questions have been omitted or changed to preserve the anonymity of the questioners.

Join the Discussion

40 Comments

Newest

Oldest

Eclipse New York, NY February 2, 2020

Why is the intermarriage issue always about the kids? What if an intermarrying couple plans to not have kids? What if they can't have kids and are okay with that? Reply

Doriel Mackay Kingsport, TN USA February 3, 2020

in response to Eclipse:

When is a Jew not a Jew? In our tradition, Abraham and Sarah were married for many years before having a baby. Sarah was 80, Abraham was 90. Our ancestors held marriage sacred and shared the same spiritual values, that there is one creator of the universe and that idolatry is the height of ignorance. Children in the Torah correspond to the mitzvah to be fruitful and multiply in Bereshit. If a couple intermarries and has children, what religion and beliefs will be taught as true? How do you not confuse the children? Most adults are inflexible about their religion and what they think is real or false. Two adults may agree to disagree, but a child is learning lessons to guide their moral compass and view of reality like a tender young shoot from a plant. Would you want to gamble with someone's destiny like that? Who is right? The idol worshippers which includes people who think the creator of the universe appeared as a human being on Earth. Is that real? Children are not inevitable, but welcomed in a Jewish home Reply

Rochel Chein for chabad.org February 4, 2020

in response to Eclipse:

A married couple build a home and live life together, and it's essential that they share the same religious values. Marriage is meant to be the union of two soulmates, partnering in fulfilling each other's missions in life, and to do this, their souls must be in sync. This is true regardless of whether or not they have children. Reply

Doriel MacKay KIngsport, TN, USA June 17, 2016

halachah In understanding the ramifications of Halachah, if the male returns to his heritage and becomes Torah Observant, there will be created a distance between the man and his wife, and the marriage will not survive it. On the other hand, with counseling, the woman may embrace and convert to Judaism, and there will be harmony with the husband who is Torah observant, even though her Christian roots and her family may become disturbed. The man and his wife should share the same values in order to have a harmonious relationship. Technically speaking, since the male is Jewish, he should not seek to marry a gentile woman. The prophets and Torah forbid such an arrangement. People from different backgrounds,values and upbringing generally do not seek to marry because of great differences and viewpoints in how decisions are made, how the home should be run, how the children should be raised, different eating customs, etc. Reply

Eric S Mequon, WI via chabadmequon.org August 6, 2010

The matrilineal definition of a jew I believe this is a rabbinical definition that during this current rabbinical period in Judaism, we seemingly hold to.

But during the days of the Third Temple Era, this may or may not hold--most likely not.

That is, it is a convenient definition that was articulated based upon lack of knowledge of the father's lineage and it has served us as a rule of thumb.

But the true definition of being Jewish is far more complex and perhaps unknowable at this time.

When all the Levites are called to duty, perhaps we shall see. I pray that the determination of who is a Levite not be made by the same rabbinical authorities who are currently defining who a jew is. Reply

Ed Renegar Troutville, Va July 23, 2010

When a Jew is not a Jew Ms. Silberberg is wrong. I say this with as much love as I can muster. You need to go back and review the ancestry of the Jewish Nation. Didn't Israel adopt Ephraim and Manassah and make them joint heirs with ALL of Joseph's brothers, even though they had an Egyptian mother? What about Moses and his Gentile Wife who had children? Remember the circumcision she did on the boy? Here is one for you, what about Boaz, who under the law married Ruth, a Gentile, from Moab. Didn't King David enter the picture a few generations later and his son Solomon?

Dear Teacher, a true Jew has always been a matter of the heart. A circumcised heart makes one a Jew! Reply

Tabatha London October 9, 2009

ER, WRONG ACTUALLY LEAH... Leah is wrong - historically a Jew who converted to another faith and wished to return to Judaism, had to convert BACK to Judaism, as they were considered an EX Jew.

Maimonides also stated that once a Jew left the faith, he was no longer Jewish. Reply

Jeff October 8, 2009

Leah Leah Jewish identity is created by man. For example, since we know that a Moabite was never supposed to enter the house of Israel, and hence Ruth could never have received an official conversion; we know that King David could not have been a Jew at his time, by the written Torah. Hence the rabbis changed the Torah to say only of a Moabite male is prohibited in marriage.

So if you want your children to be Jewish raise them Jewish. In a few generations one may be King of Israel. Reply

Leah Meridian, Idaho October 8, 2009

Tabatha Tabatha Jewish identity is created by HaShem, there is nothing mortal men can do to "uncreate" that which HaShem has made. A Jew is a Jew. Reply

Tabatha London, UK May 16, 2009

When Jews Become Christians I am aghast at the answer given here. There is no such thing as a 'jewish christian'.

A person is Jewish if they were born to a Jewish mother or they have converted. They remain Jewish UNLESS they adopt another faith.

A Jew that converts to Christianity is an Apostate, and an EX Jew. Historically, Jews who left Judaism, and then wished to return, had to CONVERT back to JUDAISM.

Everyone has a right to choose their own faith. But nobody has a right to claim to be part of a faith they have left. When a Jew becomes a Christian, they are a CHRISTIAN.

They are not a 'jewish christian'.
They are not a 'messianic jew'.
They are not a 'completed jew'.

They are a CHRISTIAN.

Just as when a Christian converts to Judaism, they then become a JEW. Reply

Jeff April 27, 2009

Isaiah on conversion Isaiah 56:6-8
6. Also the sons of the stranger, who join themselves to the Lord, to serve him, and to love the name of the Lord, to be his servants, every one who keeps the sabbath and does not profane it, and all who hold fast to my covenant;
7. Even them will I bring to my holy mountain, and make them joyful in my house of prayer; their burnt offerings and their sacrifices shall be accepted upon my altar; for my house shall be called a house of prayer for all peoples.
8. The Lord God who gathers the outcasts of Israel says, Yet will I gather others to him, beside those who are already gathered.

Who are the sons of the stranger? Reply

Jeff April 27, 2009

Real conversion is just this: Numbers 15:13-16 and 15:29-30 on conversion:

All who are native born shall do these things after this ordinance, in offering an offering made by fire, of a sweet savor to the Lord. And if a stranger sojourns with you, or whoever is among you in your generations, and will offer an offering made by fire, of a sweet savor to the Lord; as you do, so he shall do. One ordinance shall be both for you of the congregation, and also for the stranger who sojourns with you, an ordinance forever in your generations; as you are, so shall the stranger be before the Lord. One Torah and one code shall be for you, and for the stranger who sojourns with you.
…
You shall have one Torah for him who sins through ignorance, both for him who is born among the people of Israel, and for the stranger who sojourns among them. But the soul who does anything presumptuously, whether he is born in the land or a stranger, that person dishonors the Lord; and that soul shall be cut off from among his people. Reply

Jeff April 26, 2009

Ger Tzeddik Time is crucial in fertility and as folks are near 40, there is little time for conversion games.

The key principles of Torah conversion are found in the portion of Ruth chapter 1:
· When living in a remote area, a Jew may have to take a pious non-Jewess as a wife, because he still has the commandment to procreate.
· Conversion is implied by relationship as Orpah is called a wife although she returns to her own people.
· Naomi asks her daughter-in-laws to return to their own people, because she wishes them to be happy and have a future with a husband, impossible if they were Jewish.
· Declaration to ones loved one to follow them, to live with them, acceptance of their family as ones own, and to practice their religion, and to be buried amongst them.
· Acceptance of the convert.

Rural areas don't have the bet dins, orthodox synagogues, or any of the formal infrastructure for conversion. How do you suppose its available? Reply

Karen Joyce Chaya Fradle Kleinman Bell Riverside, CA via jewishriverside.com April 24, 2009

Who is a Jew? Actually, this question should not even have to be asked. There are more Jews than we know about, because many are descendants of Jews who have lost their identity. Because of this, the whole issue should be cut from the "rules and laws" about marriage and Jewish identification. If we were more accepting and inclusive, there would be more Jews. We act as if this were a high class country club and we are being discriminatory. Period. Reply

ger tzeddik April 21, 2009

who said "conversion is not available?"
as a convert myself who studied with a Chabad Rabbi and went through the process through an orthodox beis din...i am wondering where it is "not available."
it is not EASY, for good reason, because to answer a previous question...of course, a convert is always a jew and as someone who has chosen this path for himself has an even greater obligation to forever adhere to torah and mitzvahs. Reply

sue Kanata, ON April 21, 2009

the tribes As for tribalism re: inherited Jewish ancestry, Just as there has been discrimination in Canada, where the indigenous First Nations dispute some Metis peoples' rights to call themselves racially indigenous (though they are born Canadians) my meditation led me to distinguish myself (born British)as also belonging to Canadas' tribes, but because my son, during gestation, fully bonded my DNA to my husbands' DNA. My husband was related to both British and Indian heritage. If Mothers' count is some indication of whether a Jew is a Jew, I consider the inheritance my son has via the bonding in our chromosomes' centromeres of silver alone..where was the silver from that we two parents smithed ? Did we plan the kosherness of the substances that we used? Did we plan the capability that corporeal knowledge of silver would give to our son? Nope. We loved and now he "levi"tates...Re tribal regathering, if the Creator wants a Jew with gold and azure on his horizon, in a rainbow world, it is just so Reply

sue Kanata, ON April 21, 2009

A Jewish last name "plenty of non-Jews have "Jewish" sounding last name"..a writer has worried about the "non-Jewish" name, but Kabalah teaches that all words have a number and a meaning via sefir yetzirah. I am of the belief that we pre-choose our names in a continuum of resonance that is from the Great One. So, the answer is to appreciate the content of the names' resonance as a Jewish mystic....
Shame on Anon from rechovot, IL. If the only opinion is from one official who dictates your reality, you are not enjoying the qualities of Judaism that are well known to be humanistic, tolerant, familial, and in celebration of the individual. Reply

Karen Joyce Chaya Fradle Kleinman Bell Riverside, CA via jewishriverside.com April 19, 2009

Where are the lost tribes? Because we, as a group,,KICK OUT Jews who intermarry or choose to worship differently from Orthodoxy, WE HAVE CREATED a situation where Jews are lost. WE KICKED THEM OUT. Shame on us. Reply

Jeff April 17, 2009

Most of us are not marrying out of the faith, but trying to build up the nation of Israel. If Chabad wouldn't make conversion so impractical, they might actually serve a growing community.

"2. Marrying out of the faith, and establishing a non‑Jewish home is the ultimate rejection of Judaism."

This statement makes little sense when conversion is not available Reply

Anonymous Kanata, ON March 1, 2009

Re: When is a Jew not a Jew? bAnonymous, Phila, pa "allowed to marry", huh?

Kids, it's time to face it. Imagine your government telling you what race or religion you might marry, and which race or religion was verboten.
Achtuung, or, duh?
The God of Judaism is an eternal being who oves you. It's old mens' waffle and covetousness that prohibits love from marrying love.
I have a feeling there is some evocation of racial angst in part of this resurgence of neuroticism about who should marry whom. Maybe fear is good for everyone?
Otherwise, is genetic sorting a good thing, do you belive? Reply

Anonymous February 28, 2009

Shawna, you're as fully Jewish as any Jew... No such thing as half-Jewish (it's like being half-pregnant...) Plenty of Jews have "non-Jewish" sounding last names today, and -as you say- plenty of non-Jews have "Jewish" sounding last names. So it just means that when considering a marriage partner you've got to do your homework, and not make flash decisions just based on a person's name.
Ruth was a convert, so her children and future descendants were Jewish. But her parents were not. And you're right - we are not masters of soul issues - this matter was decided bu G-d for all times. Reply

Shawna Lyn Staten Island, N.Y. February 27, 2009

When is a Jew not a Jew Being half Jewish, my mother was a Jew, I am never looked at as a Jew since I do not have a Jewish last name. Yet, I know men that marry non jewish women, and their family is easliy accepted by Jews because their name is Jewish. So, who can really tell who is a Jew ? Also, there is the question of Ruth. She was a convert. Are her ancesters not Jewish ? Ruth became the great-grandmother of the King David. It is g-d that plants a jewish soul, and ignorant for man to say he can truly see as clearly as he.. Shabbat Shalom Reply

More in this section

You may also be interested in...

Join the Discussion