My Dad's Jewish, Why Should I Convert?

Question:

I have to admit, I’m angry. I was brought up Jewish, attended a Jewish school, and have only known Judaism as my religion. Now I’ve been told I have to convert, because my mother never formally became Jewish. Isn’t it a little unfair that all my life I was more Jewish than my friends, was even subjected to anti-Semitism, and after all that I’m told I need to convert?

Answer:

I completely understand your frustration. It can’t be easy to hear that you need to convert to your own religion. But please don't take it personally. This is not a reflection of you. The entire Jewish nation went through exactly the same process.

After leaving Egypt, where they suffered as slaves and were tormented for being Jewish, the Israelites reached Mount Sinai. There they were told they had to formally accept the Torah and convert to Judaism by immersing in a mikvah.

They could’ve had the same complaint: We’ve always been Jewish, we’ve suffered terribly for it, and now we’re told we need to become Jewish?!

Indeed, they were already Jewish in the ethnic sense, but they had not yet become Jewish in the religious sense. They were born into the clan, but they had not yet committed to the mission. Only by sincerely accepting the Torah did they take on the complete Jewish identity in body and soul.

The Israelites of old had a moment of truth: Am I ready to stand before G‑d and commit myself to being Jewish? Not just for a day or a week or a year, not just for my lifetime, but for generations?

And they said yes.

The power of that moment still reverberates. All Jews alive today are descended from a mother who converted to Judaism, who took that plunge, either at Mount Sinai or sometime since.

Now you have your moment of truth. You can be culturally and ethnically Jewish, as you already are. Or you can stand at your own Sinai and say yes to G‑d.

Put aside the emotion and take this decision seriously. If you don’t go ahead, you leave things hanging for your children and theirs. But if you do it, your commitment is forever, for all generations, once and for all.

Sources:

See Exodus 19:10, Maimonides Hilchot Issurei Biah 13.

By Aron Moss

Aron Moss is rabbi of the Nefesh Community in Sydney, Australia, and is a frequent contributor to Chabad.org. His latest book is "Can I Name My Dog Israel? Life Questions That Aren't So Black & White".

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29 Comments

Najat E. Romania August 18, 2024

Almost everyone has the same crisis - the human crisis - the identity and spiritual crisis: "who am I?" and "what am I here for? how do I fulfil my purpose?" Almost everyone has to convert. :) Perhaps every moment of a Jew's life, he or she is a convert. That is Teshuvah, converting every moment. (My idea). Reply

Najat E. Romania August 18, 2024

With the will of God, may all those who desire to convert, have a successful conversion, and may all those who know not about what they are missing, have an awakening. Reply

Ellen California August 16, 2024

My father is Jewish. He has passed now. My grandparents immigrated from Poland. As a child I lived in a Jewish neighborhood with many camp survivors as neighbors. My father would mix up plates and he knew better.

It is a deep pain to me to not be considered part of the tribe that is half my family. My parentage is not something I can hide but my father's atheism has left me isolated from the family.

As a child I understood there was something wrong with marrying outside of the tribe and shared atheism is not a basis of a happy marriage. I questioned why they were married at all as a child and felt my whole life was a mistake because of it.

But the worst part is remembering a deep loss of spiritual meaning. I remember trying to pray and not knowing how. I missed my family. I truly needed my family and to practice the Torah.

I feel Jewish, get all the 'special' attention Jews get, yet, painfully I'm just not. It feels empty and meaningless but I guess that is what atheism is. Reply

Channah January 16, 2024

I have watched people go in to a major state of darkness when they spent their whole lives as Jews to find they have to convert because their mom was not Jewish or did not convert properly. Yes they must convert to be accepted by Halacha however a person who lived their life as an Orthodox Jew kept Shabbat and kosher the mitzvahs fasts should 100% have a fast conversion!!! I find it disgusting that rabbis would force a human being who loves Gd and Torah just the way the Hebrews did when they arrived at Har Sinai to then be told the conversion will take 12-18 months. That person has to be told sorry you are not a Jew, walk around feeling their whole identity is crushed for 12-18 months…it is horrible to do that to any person. Yes conversion is necessary but NO if they are already living as Jews are supposed to it is like Ruth who merely as a non jew married a Jewish man and converted by stating your people are my people and lived as them. The rabbis of today are wrong to do this Reply

Dee May 20, 2024

in response to Channah:

I agree. I have gone for many years (as a child and young adult) considering myself Jewish. My father was Jewish my mother was not. I never really got to know my mom's family well (blood family) as she was adopted but later did get to know them. I was raised Jewish on my father's side. When my daughter died tragically in a surfing accident and I went for spiritual support in my deepest darkest hour I was told I was not Jewish! Nor was my daughter who passed although she considered herself Jewish. Talk about discouragement, feeling ostracized, lost and yes..ANGRY for years. Almost pleading to be Jewish as my identity of all these years were stripped from me! The Reform accepted me but after the "rules" of the Law was changed! I have now walked away from my belief in Judaism with a heavy heart, disappointment and great sadness. The point I am not a Jew finally came across. As the Rabbis say I can be a friend to Jews. Guess that makes me a "friend" to all my first cousins and family. Reply

Matthew Rand North Haverhill, NH July 27, 2022

I have also felt this way as someone whose father is Jewish, but mother is not. In my case, unfortunately, religion was used as a weapon in an ugly divorce, (I will tell anyone considering interfaith marriage NOT to do it!), and Judaic law did not seem to jive with the biological reality that I do in fact come half from my father. And to that the normal desire for same-sex parental bonding and...I was angry for a long time, and in part, it gave me a "love/hate" relationship with Judaism.

This response to that question I can honestly understand and come to terms with. I didn't grow up Jewish, and the only exposure to Jewish life came either very superficially through family events or self-study on and off.

I would like to restart where I left off, and in particular, learn what a man needs to know in order to be truly a man and truly Jewish. Reply

Rabbi Aryeh Moshen Brooklyn July 31, 2022

in response to Matthew Rand:

Hi Matthew and welcome. Reply

Reuben April 10, 2022

I’m in the same situation as the person who asked the question, and I’m hoping to convert in the future. If I convert would my Hebrew name be “Reuven ben Yaakov(my fathers Hebrew name)” or “Reuven ben Avraham”? Reply

Jeremy Las Vegas July 1, 2022

in response to Reuben:

I took my father's Hebrew name, Mordechai. You should be able to do the same, but ultimately it depends on the rabbi. Reply

Arthur Yanoff Great Barrington April 7, 2022

Look at this in very simple terms.You know how to drive but you need a license. Halacha is your license. You keep Yiddishkeit alive. Reply

Azriel US November 1, 2021

When did this requirement come to be? Did Rahab or Ruth convert? Or did their children convert? When did it actually become Jewish law that a person has to be born of a Jewish mother in order to be Jewish by birth? If such is the case, why does the Tanach describe the patriarchal lines and not the matriarchal ones? I’ve heard that this concept started after the destruction of the temple in 70 CE, is this true? Why? Is there a time before 70 CE that Jewish law was different on this matter? And if so, on whose authority was this changed? What happens if a Jewish women converts to another religion, are her children still Jewish? Does it matter if they were born before or after her conversion to another religion? These are just some questions I have on this matter. Thank you if you can provide explanations to some or all of them. Reply

Rabbi Aryeh Moshen Brooklyn, NY November 10, 2021

in response to Azriel:

It helps to write only one question at a time so that it may be answered as succinctly as possible.
When it comes to Jewish ancestry, there is a difference based on a time line but not the one that someone may have told you. The difference occured not upon the desctruction of The Second Temple but at the time of the Exodus, specifically when the Hebrews stood on Mt. Sinai and were all converted into the Nation of Israelites. Until then, we were a group of Hebrews (descendants of Ever) who had moved down to Egypt and then were taken out by Moses acting in the Name of our God and brought to serve Him at Mt. Sinai. Our men were all circumcised in Egypt and we all declared our loyalty to our God and were dipped in a Mikveh at the foot of Mt. Sinai. We brought sacrifices to celebrate our new status. As I am running out of characters I will continue with another post later. Reply

Rabbi Aryeh Moshen Brooklyn, NY November 10, 2021

in response to Azriel:

Now to answer your questions: The requirement to convert started with the Exodus itself. Before the Exodus, the people who were going to become the Israelites / Jews had not yet been converted in. This answers your question regarding the Patriarchs and Matriarchs. It also teaches us that we have to draw a line in the Torah and say that conversion only occured after the first third of the Book of Exodus. We can answer that Rahab and Ruth most definitely converted. The concept of having a convert make a declaration of belief and of questioning a convert come from both Rahab and Ruth. The concept of not accepting the children of a non-Jewish mother without conversion can be seen in the Book of Ezra, some 400 years before 70CE. I'm not sure where your source of "started after the destruction of the Temple" came from but from Ezra 10:3 we can see explicitely that non-Jewish wives and children born to them were sent away. Reply

Ari levi Ciudad Panama April 7, 2022

in response to Azriel:

Yes, Ruth converted. Go study Reply

Azriel USA April 10, 2022

in response to Rabbi Aryeh Moshen:

Thank you Rabbi Aryeh your feedback was most helpful. Reply

Moshe Chicago,Illinois November 1, 2021

You must convert otherwise you will halachically be limited to marriage partners. You accept and practice Judaism but you have to just take the step of conversion, it's simple. Do not consider it an insult. Yes, you do know more about Judaism than most Jews, but that does not really apply in this case. Your mom did not convert, and so you must; the Rabbi will accept your conversion almost immediately because of the background in Orthodox schools. Reply

Arthur Yanoff Great Barrington October 31, 2021

Halacah is an equal opportunity employer. It is not personal. Obviously you feel Jewish,have a Jewish background , but it like like being a great driver without a license. By converting you will unite with all of Israel. Legally as a Yid ,you have different obligations and sensibilities. As a legal Yid , for example, your neshumah will have a somewhat different reaction to treif even if your conscious khop says otherwise. Reply

Richard Abrams Beverly Hills CA October 31, 2021

We are a People and not a religion. As a People we have certain rules. Some are wise; others are dumb. Converting is not one of the dumb ones. It merely removes legal impediments for yourself and your children. According to Maimonides, after a conversion, their previous status is not to be mentioned. In your case, it won't even be an issue since everyone sees you as Jewish. Actual converts can carry a stigma, which I believe is the reason for Maimonides' rule.

If, however, you are not Orthodox and want to risk some legal (halachic) problems, you can join a Reform Temple where patrilineal is accepted since 1983. My unsolicited advice for the Reform Jews -- have strictly orthodox conversion. Everyone accepts the orthodox conversion Reply

sebastion February 25, 2023

in response to Richard Abrams:

You aren't "a" people. Being a Jew is first and foremost a religion. You can convert to being a Jew. In fact, the most modern DNA analysis from Dr. Richards shows. particularly along the matrilineal line, that the Jews in Europe have DNA closely related to the prehistoric peoples of Europe than the Levant, or Middle East.

There are many and races of people that are Jewish, including black Ethiopians. So no, you are not "a" people.

You're European who's ancestors converted to Judaism. Reply

Michael Abramowitz Côte Saint-Luc, Québec January 30, 2025

in response to sebastion:

There must have been some/many who originated in the Levant (possibly Babylon) or had been dispersed during Roman times. Reply

Todd Lone Tree October 31, 2021

What an excellent explanation. It was simple and understandable yet complete. Reply

Lisa MA April 28, 2021

Alas, I understand and accept. Conversion is a vital step of a potential Jewish soul who wasn’t born from a Jewish mother. Reply

Simcha Holon February 9, 2021

Thank you for this beautiful answer! Before conversion I myself grappled with this question. It would have been helpful to hear this back then. Reply

Mark Pitrone January 18, 2021

And yet, only 40 days after agreeing to worship only Hashem, they worshipped the golden calf (was it Apis or Hathor?). Yes, that may have been only the Erev Rav, but Shemoth doesn't actually say that.

Jews are people and live in the moment, like everyone else, subject to the influence of yetzer hara and yetzer tov.

We must all keep this in mind and 'incline' to the yetzer tov. Reply

Jonathan Ontario January 18, 2021

I don’t buy this argument. If someone’s father was not Jewish, you would not be asking that person to convert. You’d accept that person outright, even if that person had no desire to pursue a Jewish life, beyond an “ethnic” level (to use your word). I’ve studied this issue for many years because it is important and emotions should be put aside as you suggested. Unfortunately, by definition orthodox doctrine will never admit the Halacha has been wrongly decided and this issue will remain unsettled (to the exclusion of a great many) until the Mashiach comes. Reply

Amy Nigeria June 9, 2021

in response to Jonathan :

Yeah. You're right. Reply

Rabbi Aryeh Moshen Brooklyn October 31, 2021

in response to Jonathan :

It might be unsettling to some but it is settled. If you want to be fully Jewish then you must convert. Reply

Juan UK November 1, 2021

in response to Jonathan :

"If someone’s father was not Jewish, you would not be asking that person to convert".. But the txt say that He came from the Jewish background, and it is the case... Reply

Nebiyat Nigusie Woldeyohannis Ethiopia January 11, 2021

Dear Aron,
This is a very informative text and a very comforting one for a person who suffered such a situation and related. For example the Ethiopian Jews should convert to Judaism for some good reasons that our sages explained. Though, I can not explain it now it is not in my head now. But at some point I had a resentment why a Jew should convert to Judaism. It is already a Jew. But, I was told by a good rabbi just the same as this text. That I do not have to take it personal. It is based on the laws that existed so many generations.
Thank you for this comforting text Reply

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