Should I Go?

is false peace a "white lie"? if by definition it is, then false peace falls under one of the eighteen articles. if per say you are at odds with a fellow jew, which is forbidden by the laws of heaven. one must ask "is this outside of halakot maloket? then the argument is a split of the worse kind. study more, debate the law, have real true peace. if toxic is a matter or what was the fall out over? that specific matter must be clear to parties. as far as us seeing it? with torah, sages understanding of debate, how did the matter become so contentious? before we argue or even as so much wrong one another, i want everyone to check the world stage. we have no time for argument. if we are to argue it must be to reconcile 18 artiles. Hillel, what is a white lie? furthermore what is "false peace"?. im here to look to see how many of us are looking for restore the men of the assembly, instead i read otherwise. Hillel, have we lost the love of debate? no we have not,GO AND STUDY! - Shammai- Reply

There are some friends I would not want. Yet, if they are not physically dangerous, I would go to functions where I know they will attend, if the functions are important. A bar mitzvah is important to the child. Yet, probably, the person inviting a known "enemy" probably just wants a check for a gift. SHOWING UP to this function would be a real prize to YOU, and a slap in the face to the person who invited you who just wants your money and not your attendance. To me, this would be GOOD. Who knows? The person JUST may be honest and sincere. You never know. It COULD be a break in the ice, or not. You never know. Reply

Should I Go? I think this is very well thought out and agree that while we can still be hurting (and have lost face in our view), we must make efforts to resolve problems. I would also encourage anyone in this situation to make that first effort. You never know what will happen and you just may regain a wonderful friend. Reply

How to deal with toxic people in your life... Just don't get too close. You can still say hello, goodbye, and go to functions where they will be attending. If they begin to say horrid things, then you excuse yourself and get involved talking to someone else. We don't know that this one time will be a gigantic breakthrough. It is what it is. A bar mitzvah, for goodness sake. Reply

Mending relationships Michoel Gourarie is so right that I don't have the words to express it. I am 68. Twice in my life I have seen people I love (and who initially loved each other) have dreadful quarrels over virtually nothing. After doing all I reasonably could to reconcile them, one party in each quarrel died - and was of course gone forever. Never again would there be an opportunity to make up, to forgive, to love again. Life is too short; bad feeliings too unimportant; scars that remain are forever. It doesn't matter who was hurt; try, at the very least to care for that person again. Reply

What is a COMMANDMENT about this? Do to others what you WISH or WANT them to do for you. If this were YOUR child, and you wanted to make it special, wouldn't you want EVERYONE who knows your child to SUPPORT him at his bar mitzvah, EVEN THOUGH you may not like the people? Of course you would. So, you support the child. The adult relationships are extraneous and not important in this decision. It's not about you. Get over yourself. It's about the boy becoming a man. Reply

Is She Being Evil? In a democracy - the absolute greatest freedom is the freedom to choose what you think.

Maybe she sent you the invitation to to pick at scar of your hurt. Maybe she's imagining (and gloating about) how much anxiety she is provoking in you. .... and looked at like she is being evil by inviting you to her son's Bar Mitzvah.

Or maybe her invitation to you is a simple, prayerful, offering of love - offered with low personal risk to her if you choose to reject it

Maybe she is just afraid as you are and she is hoping you are big enough to accept her love offering.

The good news is that neither of you need be alone together at the Bar Mitzvah and you can go with an open mind to see what happens next.

You can RSVP and add a hopeful comment like, "Bar Mitzvahs are about new beginnings and I choose to join with you for your son's" ..... she'll know what you mean.

Choosing to attend can be a triumph for you - Enjoy it. Reply

nice good answer & great picture to bring out the point (love the FAKE smile) Reply

Should I go? Of course you should go. In posing your question you wrote "my friend" not my former friend. That means that beneath the hurt you still care about each other. Obviously she cared enough to send the invitation. Now it's your turn to make a positive response. If you can't get over your hurt, send her a note afterwards, saying that inasmuch as you enjoyed the Bar Mitzvah, there are still unresolved issues for the two of you to settle.
She may not even realize, until you tell her, how much she hurt you. Meanwhile enjoy! Reply

Awesome, awesome wisdom!! Reply

Go By extending you an invitation, it is her action rather than her words that is saying she is sorry. It sounds like she is offering you the opportunity to reconnect. Take it. Staying angry is not making you feel better, is it?
Don't prevent her from making ammends. Be gracious as you would want G-d to be gracious to you. Reply

a false peace I have had a similar situation with a member of my extended family, so I can understand the hurt and pain. I typically will attend the event, often citing "for the good of the family".

I also can appreciate the old Jewish expression, "Better to have a false peace than a real conflict". The latter sounds so permanent! If we can bear the "false peace", to get us through, we may actually gather support for resolution!. Reply

U said "I . . . don't want to undermine the intensity of your anger or hurt," and ESSENTIALLY, that's WHAT U've done. . Wouldn't it just have been better 2 have pointed to the fact that, to miss an event of this magnitude may eventually be a disappointment should the relationship ever sweeten again. And, that's the ONLY reason to ever concede. . An unrepentant friend is undeserving of any wellmeant treatment beyond this. If she can live herself with this, then, THAT'S her decision right there!!. Reply

Should I go...??? If this is her first child's Bar Mitzvah then that tells me you're both fairly young. As you grow older you will realize that a friend of many years is a real treasure - in spite of their often "high maintenance" needs! Also, the young man needs the support of the community and you are part of that community! Your friend used this as a way to reach out to you. This is an olive branch of peace being proffered. By all means, go and be charming to one and all as I'm sure you would. After the reception wait a few days (3 or 4) and drop your friend a note thanking her for the lovely time, and telling her how much you enjoyed sharing this milestone in her son's life. Then, in a charming and non-threatening way - suggest you and she meet for coffee on "next Wednesday at 2 PM" or whatever time and date and place you think will work out. She may have to alter the date, but she cannot refuse the invitation. Then you two can begin to rebuild something of real value. Best of luck...M Reply

yes Yes with forsight (a wonderful thing) this is exactly what i should have done in the past. By not going to that event, i feel I burnt a bridge Reply

friends the invitation isn't to a movie or party. The occasion is a one-time only thing. It's important. It's not even like any other reading of the Torah. It's a landmark occasion that marks a person's acceptance of personal responsibility of actions as an adult. It's not like confirmation or any other social rite- This is why you should go. You are being asked to be a witness to a personal commitment and the person wishes your presence. Obviously it is important. It is the opening of a new beginning and adulthood responsibility-- the offer is extended and you can go. Later you can decide how to develop or change the relationship or walk away, but now you are offered a new friendship and somebody values your respect. The other side might feel anguish too and wish for new beginning. Reply

U said "I . . . don't want to undermine the intensity of your anger or hurt," and ESSENTIALLY, that's WHAT U've done. . Wouldn't it just have been better 2 have pointed to the fact that, to miss an event of this magnitude may eventually be a disappointment should the relationship ever sweeten again. And, that's the ONLY reason to ever concede. An unrepentant friend is undeserving of any well meant treatment beyond this. If she can live herself with this, then, THAT'S her decision right there!! Reply

My motto I hope that my motto for life will help in your decision..."Offense is like poison...don't take it!" Choose to forgive and move on. Think of the years of friendship lost and those years in the future where friendship can blossom once again. Reply

Should I go? I agree. Go to the Bar Mitzvah. If your friend invited you, she is also thinking along the lines of reconnecting and restoring the broken relationship. However, it is imperative that you should try to talk things out after the occasion and not to let the invitation be the silver bullet that can bury your hurt. Reply

How AWESOME that you were invited! The FOCUS is for that day on the CHILD, not YOU or your "enemy who used to be a friend". You would NOT be hypocritical if you went FOR THE CHILD. You talk to strangers, don't you, when you go to temple? You say, "Hello, how are you", right? If you don't like this woman, YOU DO THE RIGHT THING and go and say to the family as a whole, and to the child, "Mazeltov, congratulations". How difficult would it be for you to say TWO WORDS? I'm sorry, but you sound like you may be your own worst enemy, by holding a grudge so long. There is a saying, if you have a low expectation then you will not be disappointed. Do not expect others to be perfect, and when they show imperfections, you won't be offended. I knew a woman who LOOKED for the offenses and because she looked for them, they came in droves from many sources. Then, she HELD them in her heart- some for over 50 years, until she was in her 80s. She died friendless, by the way. No one cared. Reply