Flames of Wrath

When a marriage works well, a transcending blissfulness envelops the couple. When the marriage does not work, it can be an all-consuming fire. In the words of the Talmud, if the husband and wife are meritorious, their bliss is heavenly, with the Divine Presence abiding with them. If they are not meritorious, then they are engulfed in flames (Sotah, 17a).

The most fiery flames are the flames that threaten to devour the couple as they disentangle from their union. They are flames of anger and fury, outbursts of temper, charges and counter-charges, blame and counter-blame. Aside from the exceptional divorce which may take place in a relatively amicable atmosphere, the divorces which do have some rancor, and most do, are also full of hurt and trauma.

Deep Hurt

Each one of the couple would be less than normal if he or she did not feel a sense of hurt at what is transpiring. For each one, it is as if precious years have been thrown away. Added to that, the prospects for the future are uncertain. Each of the couple may be staring at a life of protracted loneliness. Particularly vulnerable is the woman who is left alone in her middle years, after the children have left the home. She will be considered too old to marry a younger person, and she herself will feel too young to marry an older person. She is caught in a bad bind, and feels betrayed by the turn of events that has left her all alone. It is entirely normal, and even to be expected, that a divorcing couple should go through a stage of agony, even despair, hurt, and anger. But there is life after divorce. It is important for the divorcing couple not only to honestly confront their feelings, but to also ask where these feelings will lead down the road.

Extended Unhappiness

A feeling of despair that lasts too long will become a depression. A feeling of anger which is protracted entrenches a bitterness that will adversely affect the rest of life, and as well the environment surrounding the embittered spouse. That environment includes the children, the grandparents, and the extended family. It is generally estimated that at the very least fifty people are immediately affected by a divorce. Anger spilling over to fifty people is a lot of ill-will. Multiply that by the thousands of divorces, perhaps close to 20,000 per year in the North American Jewish community, and that adds up to an unhappy community.

Self-Blame

When the decision to divorce is made by the couple in concert, as a mutual decision, there is less chance that bad feelings will develop. The ill-will is more likely to develop when one of the partners asks for a divorce from the other, to whom this request comes if not as a shock, at least as a terrible hurt. Often, the victimized partner will do some soul searching, afflicted by feelings of guilt at having been the cause of the breakdown in the marriage.

There may also be feelings of diminished self-esteem that arise from having been told to cooperate in a divorce. Instead of the marital partner asking — "where did we go wrong?," the question asked may be — "where did I go wrong?" The marital partner may feel anger at the mate who is launching the divorce action, and at the same time may harbor a feeling of disease within the self for having failed. "How will I face my friends as a failure?" is the unspoken question asked.

Healthy Contemplation

It is easy, perhaps facile, to try to convince each of the marital partners that he or she was not to blame, that divorce is not proof of personal failure, or indicative of any inferiority. The couple needs time to assimilate the unfolding reality, even a certain amount of time for self-recrimination. After that, it is important for each of the marital partners to get on with life. Blaming the other or blaming the self for having failed in the marriage really achieves very little. What it does almost guarantee is that one's life will be focused on the past. One will continue to dredge up the past as a present quagmire from which extrication is next to impossible.

There is nothing wrong with looking at the past, as long as it is with a view towards the future. Thus, each of the marital partners who uses the experience of the failure in marriage to learn from it, to grow, and to approach life armed with this knowledge, will be able to face the future with renewed optimism.

Praying For The Ex

One of the more healthy exercises that a divorcing couple can engage in following the divorce is to pray for the welfare of their ex-marital partner. "One who prays for another individual and who is at the very same time in need will be answered first" (Talmud, Baba Kamma, 92a). Each of the marital partners who have now divorced needs nothing less than to find happiness and fulfillment in his or her life.

Often, the greatest obstacle to that happiness and fulfillment is the melancholic, dour mood that engulfs the divorced mate. Why not make a quantum leap in the opposite direction? What is wrong with each of the marital partners actually praying that their ex-mate finds the happiness in the future that was obviously not found in the past?

This type of prayer is a profound manifestation of the ability to conquer one's passions, to control one's anger, and to substitute good feelings and pleasant thoughts for ill-will. It is also a most effective way of avoiding the prohibition, forbidding the pursuing of strife (Talmud, Sanhedrin, 110a). The post-divorce climate is most conducive to strife, and thus calls for the marshalling of all inner resources to resist that strife. By thinking in positive terms rather than in negative terms, by praying for the good of the other, the praying partner's yearnings will almost immediately be answered. The answer may not be in instantly having found another partner in life; but at least in having found inner tranquility and peace, through having rejected the all too alluring temptation to be hateful and spiteful.

Integrating

If it in fact turns out that the other partner did succeed, and found a new marital partner, this should then be translated into an ideal reason to be truly happy for one's ex-mate. Each of the ex-marital partners who has an expectation to remarry will undoubtedly want his or her new marital partner to integrate well into the family. They will be terribly upset, hurt, and angry, if their former mate places obstacles in the path of the new marital partner. These obstacles can come in various forms, including being shut out from the home, being denied access, or with bad mouthing. Since neither of the partners would want this for himself or herself, they should not wish it on the other, or do anything to bring this about for the other.

The divorced partner who now has a new spouse should at the same time realize that whatever affection is shared with the new partner does not automatically transfer to the children. A mother who has found a new husband should not think that this new mate will displace the children's real father. He can and should love the children, but he is not a father substitute. Nor is the new wife of a divorced father to be perceived as a substitute mother.

For the new relationships to integrate well, they must avoid trespassing the entrenched boundaries of family function.

The rate of intermarriage for second marriages is astronomically high. Aside from this being fundamentally unacceptable, it creates tremendous difficulties for family integration, and is extremely unfair to the children. This is a multiple trespass which must be avoided.

Effective Blending

The most effective way of preventing "blended family" pitfalls is by actually willing the best for the other, and rejoicing in the other's joy. By so doing, the chances that the other partner will reciprocate your happiness are increased.

This type of ethical behavior is fully consistent with, and a profound expression of the obligation to love the other as you love your own self. This means to avoid doing unto others that which is hateful to you, and instead wishing and doing for others what you would want from them.

A divorced couple who adheres to this ethical imperative will be well on the way to reconciling with their fate. The more and the better that each of the couple reconciles with his or her fate, the better they will be able to approach the future, and the more likely it is that they will have a fulfilling future.