“We’re getting divorced. But we’re doing it amicably, with mutual respect.” When ex-spouses (or ex-es) describing their divorce sound like “we’re withdrawing our offer on the house we looked at Thursday,” you can get the idea that they never invested enough to be hurt by the loss. But listen again: you’ll hear emptiness in the voice; pain in the heart. Yes, the stigma is lost. Yes, some koffee-klatch and water-cooler conversations have an “everybody’s-doing–it” attitude. No. No one who went through divorce thinks it’s painless.
But if pain-free divorce is a myth (in the shattering), divorce is a reality, an option more than it ever was. To be sure, the option was always there. But as my father puts it, so was a tourniquet. When the body is facing death you use the tourniquet; otherwise it can do more damage than good. (Many first aid courses no longer teach tourniquet application because of its overuse.) Complementing the legalization of divorce by the Torah is the frustration of the Talmud: “When husband and wife divorce, the Holy Altar sheds tears.”
Husbands and wives are not the only things getting divorced. Divorce is not just a legal proceeding; it’s a way of life, a mindset. You got in a fight with a friend? Send them a letter telling them why you’re not going to have anything to do with them anymore. Your family gives more sting than honey? Don’t feel bound or stifled by them. And divorce, disengagement, isn’t always such a bad idea. But when to walk and when to talk is not a question that gets a lot of attention. It can’t. It‘s too easy to walk: Why bother with gut-wrenching screaming matches when you can just stroll away?
There is no pat answer as to when to hang up the phone or when to give back the ring. But the tourniquet overuse is worth reflection. For marriage to work, divorce cannot be considered a possibility. Call it the D-word. The ineffable, unthinkable. Forget that it exists. Relationships can’t work when breaking-up is knocking on the door. Not with spouses, friends, cousins, brothers, in-laws, grocers or gardeners. (Tip: Treat everyone as your most important client.)
And a fight does not necessarily mean a break-up is on the way; it can just as soon (if not just as easily) be a stepping-stone to a balanced, strong, fulfilling and happy relationship. Better an acrimonious relationship than a non-combative drifting. Not always, but when in doubt throw out the tourniquet. And remember tears are being shed.
My story After 30 years in a marriage that actually ended 10 years earlier, I am divorced. My ex suffered with bi-polar depression (I’m still not sure if this is true). Even after years of all kinds of doctors, vacations, therapy, and family intervention, he would play along just enough to get back to his bed and sleep for days on end. When he was awake, he was abusive and dishonest. Our youngest was in the sixth grade when my ex stopped caring. I worked two jobs and parented the children, all the while praying for him, our marriage and our family; doing everything I could think of to help him.
In 2013, his father died and my ex awoke as another person, a very angry, hostile, volatile, wild and abusive person. He did horrible things and was openly unfaithful to me and to our family. My health suffered, I lost my job and the children (now young adults) pleaded with me to divorce him as they in their younger years had seen glimpses of this anger when I was away on business travel. Our four children are very loving and supportive of me and they are respectful yet realistic of their father. I am grateful for this, as it is a testimony of my efforts to allow them to love him without the weight of my painful situation. When I filed for divorce, I was fearful of the unknown, yet resolved that I had given it my all.
He is now living in another state with his family and I am in a good place, I’m learning to live and love again. I am getting to know who I am without the weight of sadness, deception and darkness in my home and in my life. I regret that my marriage failed and that there was nothing I could do to help him, but I am at peace knowing I endured many trials to try to make it work. I concluded that marriage requires two people who are willing to strive to make it work and he had stopped 10 years earlier. During the divorce process, he admitted to me that he was just using me; he cares for me in his way, but he just really wanted a free meal ticket, a nice home to live in with no responsibilities, free lavish vacations and to see his children every now and then (not too often). I agree with the writer of the article that correlates divorce to amputation, I needed to amputate to save my own life and my soul. No one will ever know the hell I went through to get to the point of amputation. I have learned a powerful lesson in judging people, as no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.