Religion Is Squashing My Dating Life!

Question:

My Jewishness is making it harder for me to find love. The more I get involved in Jewish life, the fewer options I have for girls to date. To be honest, it is making me hesitate before becoming more observant. What should I do: take on more Judaism and limit my options, or keep my options open and put the Jewish thing on hold?

Answer:

It depends what you are looking for. If you are just after a partner, any partner that suits you, then it is a simple numbers game. If you have a wider pool of potential partners, the odds are higher that you will be successful in your search. In this equation, the vaguer you are about yourself, the more potential partners you’ll find.

But that’s only if you are merely looking for a partner. If you are looking for your soulmate, it’s another story entirely.

Your soulmate is the other half of your soul, the missing part of your very being. You can recognize your soulmate only if you first get to know your own soul. When you know where you’re going in life, when you’re clear about your own identity, when you know who you really are, then and only then are you equipped to identify the other half of your soul.

Some people have it backwards. They think that when it comes to describing the type of person you’re looking for, you need a long and detailed list of specifications, but when it comes to describing the type of person you are, you are better off being vague and general. The opposite is true. Know yourself and your own soul. Explore your Jewish identity and become comfortable with it. You are not limiting your options; you are refining your search.

By Aron Moss

Aron Moss is rabbi of the Nefesh Community in Sydney, Australia, and is a frequent contributor to Chabad.org. His latest book is "Can I Name My Dog Israel? Life Questions That Aren't So Black & White".

Join the Discussion

Sort By:

NewestOldest

10 Comments

Randi Freedman US July 7, 2016

religion is squashing my dating life A Priest just said that if two divorced Catholics want to marry again, in order to receive Communion they must live like brother and sister. Contrary to what the Pope has said but? In our religion law can't be interpreted different ways. It's good to be a Jew. Reply

Anonymous July 6, 2016

if becoming too observant is not good for dating, it means being too observant is not for you. simple as that.

and don't trust all you read, including my comment. Reply

Anonymous New York , NY via jewishlarchmont.com December 18, 2015

Religion is squashing my dating life My sister became religious later in life in her 30's. Now in her 40's she hasn't met anyone religious enough unless they are divorced or widowed. Sadly, this also has divided our family. Although we are kosher, she won't eat at my house because we don't observe Shabbat. It's very sad for everyone.
I think people who become ultra orthodox always find it difficult to meet someone. Most orthodox people have already gotten married in their 20's. Religion should not be the focus of the relationship, if you love someone enough you will adapt to their way. I married a reform Jew and he had no problem with keeping a kosher home and changing Shul. Life is about compromises. Reply

annonymous US December 17, 2015

The comment I read that's disturbing is over 40. Ouch. I would've loved to be married in my 20s. I guess the rest of my generation: by and large, chose otherwise and I'm truly puzzled. Young grandparents can do more with the grandchildren. A lot of posters spoke the obviouse but what I feel is most important and should be to the man with the question is? Do you like what you see when you look in the mirror? If you're untrue to yourself how can you? Right? Reply

Anonymous Indianapolis via lubavitchindiana.com December 17, 2015

I empathize with the questioner. Although not Orthodox I am far more observant than the typical Reform or Conservative Jew. Living in a city with a Jewish population estimated at no more than 15,000 compounds the problem. Since I'm well beyond the age of wanting to have more children I've considered dating women who are not Jewish, but that's not what I want to do. Reply

Anonymous NYC December 17, 2015

I am observant because born in an observant family and proud to be Jewish and willing to observe in a modern orthodox way, more liberal than orthodox.
Dating Jewish men who are a fit for me,who accept me eating kosher and observing the Shabbat has always been a big challenge, especially for a woman. Religious men are too religious for me or I am not enough religious for them.
Non religious Jews who seem to like me a lot run when they hear I eat strictly kosher and I don't go out on Shabbat. they tell me they don't want to complicate their life. It's true, our religion put a lot of limits on everything when you want to date people you are compatible with besides religion.....blah,blah, blah.. I tell it like it is. Reply

Anonymous New York December 17, 2015

Realistic Options The one problem with this post is that it does not deal with the reality on the ground. Most Jewish girls don't want Jewish guys until they are 40 and their lives are ruined. Of the few that are willing to even be with other Jews, very few want to be religious. There are far more religious guys than girls. Don't believe me? Just visit any campus Chabad house, guys will outnumber girls 5 to 1 at least. The answer is to make conversions more accessible (not easier) by allowing local rabbis to form Bet Din and thus fixing this gender discrepancy. Reply

Anonymous Las Vegas December 17, 2015

I completely understand I'm a religious guy with no prospects. If I had a dollar for every woman that was "wrong" for me (too young, not religious enough, not this, not that) I would be a rich man today. I've wanted to be married since I was 16. 30 some odd years later, nothing.

Yet even still, connection to G-dliness and Yiddishkite is too important to pass up. Emunah is a term to get friendly with. It can work wonders. Reply

Randi Freedman US December 15, 2015

The person asking the question has made a choice. What do I want in life for myself. First...the I is now in question. Second? Being more observant should lead him to his soulmate. Believe it or not, opportunities will present themselves. I wouldn't worry my newly religious amigo. Never look for love, when its time the woman that's right for you will reveal herself to you. I'm sure you'll get your Rachel and not Leah first. Reply

Anonymous Honolulu, Hawaii December 15, 2015

Weigh Your Options Against Your Children's Please weigh keeping your options open against limiting the options of your future generations. Keeping your options open now could result in no Jewish options for your children and their generations.
There's a real danger in putting the Jewish thing on hold - even for reasons better than yours. Marry a non-Jew and you will find Judaism has put your children's children on hold. I know because I am one of those children. Reply

Question:

Answer:

More in this section

You may also be interested in...

Join the Discussion