Step 1: Get Out Those Biceps

The main deal here is to get that black leather box on the peak of that bulging bicep of your weaker arm (that's the left arm for most of us, right arm for you lefties). That should put it right across from your heart.

At first, it takes a little skill to keep that box from sliding down into your elbow-pit (or whatever you call that inverse of the elbow). With practice, it's a piece o' cake.

I'm doing this here with Chabad tefillin. The tefillin are all the same, but there's differences in how to tie the knots. One day I gotta do a few frames of the other guy types.

Step 2: Bless the L-rd!

Once you say the blessing, you gotta focus on what you're doing. Don't talk, don't even wink an eyelid, until you get that head leather on.

Here's a rough translation:

Are you ever kewel, oh ultimate Isness, our Force, Master of the Universe, cuz You sanctified/betrothed us with Your mitzvahs, and (specifically)You connected/instructed us to lay tefillin!

Or something like that.

Okay, here's something more synagogue prayer book style:

Blessed are You, G‑d our L‑rd, King of the World, Who has sanctified us with His commandment and commanded us to lay tefillin.

Everybody happy?

Step 3: Wrap It Up

This is the real pro stuff. You gotta keep the straps tight, but hey man, don't cut off the blood supply!

You're bringing down energy from the heart into the hand. Next you gotta connect all that to your inner mind.

Step 4: Get Your Head Into It

You wanna make sure to be tuned into the right channel to receive a clear transmission. Get that black box just above your hairline (okay, where your hairline used to be) and centered between your eyes. Look in a mirror or ask a buddy to check for you.

You also gotta get that knot at the back of your head right over the base of your skull bone.

Now you're plugged in. Cosmic juices are traveling from the essence of the Cosmic Mind down into your grey matter, from there to your emotion-pump (a.k.a the heart) and then to your hand. All is connected and integrated as a complete system.

Step 5. Ring of Betrothal

You wanna get that cosmic mind juice all the way to the furthest extreme. This is called the ring of betrothal—cuz it binds your soul in eternal union with the Infinite Light. Heavy, dude.

From the inside of your hand, wrap once around the bottom joint of your middle finger. Then wrap once around the middle joint, then once around the bottom joint again. Now wrap whatever's left around your hand. When you get to the end, just tuck it in tight.

Dude, you are hot in black leather! Now say the Shema Yisrael (and whatever else).

Step 6: Do the Shema

This is what you say in Hebrew:

She-ma Yis-ra-el Ado-nay Elo-hay-nu Ado-nay Ech-ad.

Bo-ruch Sheim Ke-vod Mal-chu-to Le-olom Vo-ed.

V’ohavto Eit Ado-noy Elo-he-cho B’chol L’vov-cho U’ve-chol Naf-she-cho U’ve-chol M’o-de-cho. Ve-ho-yu Ha-devorim Ho-eileh Asher O’no-chi Me-tzav-cho Ha-yom Al L’vo-vecho. V’shi-nan-tom L’vo-ne-cho V’dibar-to Bom, B’shiv-techo B’vei-te-cho U’ve-lech-techo Va-derech U’ve-shoch-be-cho U’vekume-cho. U’ke-shar-tom L’ot Al Yo-de-cho V’ho-yu L’to-tofot Bein Eine-cho. U’che-tavtom Al M’zuzot Bei-techo U’visho-re-cho.

Here's what you're saying in English:

Listen up Jews: the Ultimate Isness is our Divine Inner Force, the Ultimate Isness is One!

Okay, here's the synagogue prayer book version:

Hear, O Israel, G‑d is our L-rd, G‑d is One.

Blessed be the name of the glory of His kingdom forever and ever.

You shall love G‑d your L-rd with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your might. And these words which I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them thoroughly to your children, and you shall speak of them when you sit in your home and when you walk on the way, when you lie down and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign upon your arm, and they shall be for totafot between your eyes. And you shall write them upon the doorposts of your house and upon your gates.

BTW: When you unwrap, first undo the ring, then unplug the headset, then unwrap the arm leather. Give the boxes a little kiss and wrap them neatly for tomorrow morning.

Now enjoy this cute video.