In many spiritual traditions, physical intimacy is associated with evil, sin, and human weakness. This has led numerous religious thinkers to either uphold celibacy as the ideal spiritual state, or to begrudgingly tolerate human sexuality as an inescapable weakness of the flesh.
Judaism never shared this sentiment. In the Jewish view, intimacy was always embraced and even viewed as sacred when occurring within the appropriate context and with elevated intentions.1
Whereas in certain faiths, priests, monks, and other religious functionaries are required to be celibate, the Jewish high priest is required to be married to fulfill his most sacred of duties in the Holy Temple on Yom Kippur.2
From the Jewish perspective, sexuality is the most volatile of human urges and can bring out the best or the worst in us. Accordingly, a sexual encounter can be the most sacred of human activities or the basest of sins—depending on how we approach it.
In his compendium of Jewish law and practice, Mishneh Torah, Maimonides incorporates the laws of sexual morality into the Book of Holiness.
There is a common misconception that traditional Judaism advocates a utilitarian approach to marital intimacy, viewing it solely as a functional activity for the purpose of procreation. This could not be further from the truth.
For instance, a verse in Genesis3 describes King Abimelech peering out of a window and witnessing Isaac “jesting” or “making sport” with his wife, Rebecca; an observation that led Abimelech to believe that they must be married.
The Biblical word for jesting is metzachek from the word tzechok, laughter. Indeed, while some commentators4 understood this to be a euphemism for the act of intercourse itself, others understood this to be a reference to endearing interactions between a couple before engaging in intimacy. For example, R. Eliyahu Mizrachi says that it may have been a reference to “kissing and cuddling,” Chizkuni describes it as “the jest that precedes intercourse,” and the Or Hachaim describes it as “the kind of affectionate behavior customary between man and his wife.”
The fact that such “jesting” is part of the Biblical description of the act of intercourse indicates that Judaism does not treat intimacy as a cold, physiological act.
And this is not limited to Biblical sources. The Talmud5 advises one to speak “endearing words” to create an emotional connection with one’s partner before engaging in physical intimacy.
Similarly, Nachmanides6 notes: “First one must cleave to his wife, and then they will become one flesh. There can be no true oneness of the flesh without first experiencing a cleaving together of the heart.”
Fundamentally, Judaism views intimacy as a loving and even playful experience, in which both emotional arousal and sensual pleasure play integral roles.
Indeed, one of the marital obligations outlined in the ketubah, marriage contract, alongside the requirement for a husband to provide food and clothing for his wife, is a contractual obligation for a man to pleasure his wife on a regular basis.7 Failing to do so even constitutes fair grounds for the wife to demand a divorce.8 Indeed, the Talmud characterizes men who put their wife’s pleasure before their own as meritorious and worthy of special blessing.
Moreover, the Jewish view of intimacy’s potential for connection and holiness extends well beyond the selflessness that one brings to it and relates to the essence and nature of the act itself. To understand this more deeply, it would be helpful to analyze the word the Torah uses to describe sexual union.
The Biblical word commonly used to refer to physical intimacy is yediah, knowledge. For example, in Genesis9 Adam knew (yada) his wife Eve, and she became pregnant and bore a son.”
Referring to intimacy with the word knowledge suggests that Judaism views physical intimacy as a meeting of mind and heart rather than just a purely physiological act.
Indeed, Jewish teachings advocate a multidimensional connection that is deeper and more wholesome than just the pleasuring of the body. To this end, Judaism offers directives that guide a couple towards intimacy on all levels—mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual. This, in turn, not only makes for a deeper, more meaningful, and fulfilling union, but also a sacred one.
For example, in order to ensure there is no mental distance during intimacy, Jewish law instructs that the ideal time to be intimate is at night and in a place where no other voices can be heard so as to avoid distraction. Similarly, neither partner may be drunk, to ensure they are both fully present and mindful when they are with each other.10
To ensure there is no emotional distance, Jewish law states that one may not fantasize about another person during intimacy, nor be intimate when angry with their spouse or when they are contemplating divorce. There is even a view11 that intimacy should be avoided altogether when a person is angry, even if their anger is not directed at their spouse.
To avoid any physical distance, Jewish law stipulates that both partners wear no clothing at all so that there is absolutely no separation between them. Couples should also face each other for the same reason.
The Sages’ suggestion that Shabbat, the holiest day of the week, is an ideal time for intimacy further highlights the intrinsic potential for holiness within this form of union.12
Furthermore, the Zohar13 teaches: “When is a person called ‘one’? . . . When a person is in the union of intimacy…. When male and female join, they become one. They are one in body and one in soul; they are one person. And G‑d dwells in their oneness.”
This is truly remarkable. Not only is the sexual act not forbidden or discouraged, but it is considered a sacred encounter that welcomes the Divine Presence among us!
Despite Judaism’s emphasis on the sacredness of intimacy, the subject is, for the most part, treated with modesty and discretion and not discussed openly. In fact, Maimonides14 writes that Hebrew is called “the holy tongue” specifically because it has no explicit words for the sexual organs or for the act of intercourse, only referring to them through euphemism. This is not because the act itself is not a sacred one; rather, it is because its sanctity is retained precisely by keeping it private rather than explicit.
Such sensitivity is reflected in the Holy of Holies, the innermost sanctum within the Holy Temple, wherein the high priest could directly encounter G‑d in spiritual intimacy. Notably, within the Holy of Holies there were two cherubs perched atop the Ark of the Covenant. The Talmud15 relates that when Jews would make pilgrimage to Jerusalem for the festivals, the kohanim would roll up the curtain for them and show them the cherubs intertwined in a loving embrace. They would say to the gathered people: “See how you are beloved by G‑d, as the love between man and woman.”
In sharp contrast, the Talmud relates: “When the invaders entered the Temple and saw the cherubim, whose bodies were intertwined with one another, they carried them out to the marketplace and said: ‘These Jews . . . preoccupy themselves with such things!’ Immediately, all who saw this display despised the Jews, as it is said (Lamentations 1:8): All who honored her now scorned her, because they saw her disgrace.16
Commenting on this episode, Chasidic luminary R. Tzadok of Lublin notes: “The invading army viewed sexual intimacy as debauchery and lustful obsession. They did not recognize its inherent holiness.”17
However, as we have learned, Judaism sees sexuality in a radically different, holy light. For, “if sexual intimacy were shameful, G‑d would not have commanded us to fashion the cherubim and place them in the holiest and purest place in the world!”18
From the Jewish perspective, sexuality is not a necessary evil to propagate the human race; rather, it is the ultimate expression of oneness humankind can achieve. Indeed, when we come together in love and holiness, there is no more sacred act and Divine invitation for G‑d to dwell among us.
In the Jewish tradition, the act of intimacy is not simply allowed or tolerated; rather, it is celebrated and sanctified.
The Mishnah records a debate as to whether there was ever any doubt regarding the inclusion of the Song of Songs—which describes the love between G‑d and the Jewish people, sometimes in very intimate terms—in the twenty-four books of the Tanach.
However, R. Akiva said, “G‑d forbid to say that [its inclusion was ever in doubt]. For the whole world was never as worthy as [it was on] the day on which the Song of Songs was given to Israel. For all the writings are holy, but the Song of Songs is holy of holies.”19
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