I need some urgent dating advice. I have become very close with a girl who really seems to have everything I'm looking for in a wife. We get along well, we seem to want the same things out of life, and all the boxes are checked. This is the first girl I have met that I can really imagine being married to. The problem is my feelings. They seem to be blocked. I definitely like her very much, but that overwhelming, deep, and intense feeling of love just hasn't come. I know what it is because I have had it before. I don't want to give up this relationship, so what can I do to kickstart my heart?


Love can only blossom in an open heart. When our hearts are closed we cannot feel affection, even when that affection is really there. And what makes a heart close is fear.

You're scared. You're scared of your dream coming true. You’ve finally met a girl who could really end up being your wife. This is what you’ve prayed for, waited for, and hoped for, for so long. And now that it is in front of you, you're gripped with fear.

It's scary to say goodbye to single life. It's scary to accept that you will marry a real person with flaws and foibles, not an imaginary perfect dream person. It's scary to realize that you're growing up and about to start the next stage of life, with all the joys and challenges that will bring.

Fear and love cannot both be felt at any one time. They are opposites. Fear is the urge to stand back, while love is the yearning to come closer.1 So ironically, when you meet a serious candidate for marriage, your heart is paralyzed by the fear that this might actually work out. Your blocked feelings might be a good sign; the fear could indicate that this is a relationship worth pursuing.

If you want to give it a chance, you first need to calm your fears. Take a long walk, all alone, and observe what's going on inside you. Admit that you’re scared. Acknowledge that it has nothing to do with her, and everything to do with you. Get comfortable with the idea that you may have found your match. Be grateful to G‑d who has sent you such a wonderful girl. Believe in yourself that you are ready to take the plunge and become a married man. Let these ideas slowly sink in, face the reality, and make peace with it.

Once you quiet your fears, your heart will open. Then, if she is indeed the one, it won't take long for the warm feelings to come flooding in.