Why Am I Not Falling in Love?

I need some urgent dating advice. I have become very close with a girl who really seems to have everything I'm looking for in a wife. We get along well, we seem to want the same things out of life, and all the boxes are checked. This is the first girl I have met that I can really imagine being married to. The problem is my feelings. They seem to be blocked. I definitely like her very much, but that overwhelming, deep, and intense feeling of love just hasn't come. I know what it is because I have had it before. I don't want to give up this relationship, so what can I do to kickstart my heart?

Answer:

Love can only blossom in an open heart. When our hearts are closed we cannot feel affection, even when that affection is really there. And what makes a heart close is fear.

You're scared. You're scared of your dream coming true. You’ve finally met a girl who could really end up being your wife. This is what you’ve prayed for, waited for, and hoped for, for so long. And now that it is in front of you, you're gripped with fear.

It's scary to say goodbye to single life. It's scary to accept that you will marry a real person with flaws and foibles, not an imaginary perfect dream person. It's scary to realize that you're growing up and about to start the next stage of life, with all the joys and challenges that will bring.

Fear and love cannot both be felt at any one time. They are opposites. Fear is the urge to stand back, while love is the yearning to come closer.1 So ironically, when you meet a serious candidate for marriage, your heart is paralyzed by the fear that this might actually work out. Your blocked feelings might be a good sign; the fear could indicate that this is a relationship worth pursuing.

If you want to give it a chance, you first need to calm your fears. Take a long walk, all alone, and observe what's going on inside you. Admit that you’re scared. Acknowledge that it has nothing to do with her, and everything to do with you. Get comfortable with the idea that you may have found your match. Be grateful to G‑d who has sent you such a wonderful girl. Believe in yourself that you are ready to take the plunge and become a married man. Let these ideas slowly sink in, face the reality, and make peace with it.

Once you quiet your fears, your heart will open. Then, if she is indeed the one, it won't take long for the warm feelings to come flooding in.

Footnotes

Sifri 6:5: "You can't have love in the same place as fear, or fear in the same place as love, except in Divine emotions." We can love and fear G‑d at once, because those emotions come from the Divine powers of our soul. Just as G‑d can handle paradox, so can our Divine soul. But our normal human emotions, when applied to human relationships, can't handle opposites. At any one time we can only experience either love or fear, not both.

By Aron Moss

Aron Moss is rabbi of the Nefesh Community in Sydney, Australia, and is a frequent contributor to Chabad.org. His latest book is "Can I Name My Dog Israel? Life Questions That Aren't So Black & White".

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18 Comments

Anonymous NJ December 22, 2018

Great article. So many men go through this and need this advice. Reply

Yakov Isaacs December 20, 2018

Is it love or animal attraction that defines relationships?

Love is fickle and goes through highs & lows over time once the novelty wears off and often it ends in hate, pain or rejection, and invariably jealousy, boredom & possessiveness accompany love.

For couples in a long lasting bond, love is more a case of comfort, company, familiarity or security. Wife is more likely to sacrifice much more for her kids than for hubby. Mother's love is closer to actual love though it's often conditional or a result of possessiveness. In Torah, G-d's love is dictatorial - obey, or get cursed or punished.

Love is part of a love-hate dualism and the needle keeps continuously shifting.

So, human/divine love is not such a flawless emotion that needs exalting.

I find the selfless giving of trees in terms of shade, refuge, food, oxygen, CO2, timber, medicines.. always welcoming & never conditional....perhaps more giving than mother's love or divine love which are conditional and often punitive. Reply

Anonymous GB December 20, 2018

in response to Yakov Isaacs:

Love Lasts I agree with some of what you say, I had a lot of trouble as a child trying to understand why humans are commanded to love and punished if we couldn't, which meant a lot of my family, good people, were found wanting. However, I question your statement that love and jealousy/possessiveness are bedfellows. Jealousy and possessiveness are products of an insecure personality rather than accompaniments to love, if you don't want your spouse to have the life you want yourself, it isn't love, it's an insecure self-love, your own needs are more important. That goes for mothers as well as spouses.
A rabbi in a TV programme gave a young couple that he would marry shortly the advice that, when they wake each morning, to ask themselves what they could do that day to make the other happy. What a lovely idea. "Animal attraction" is a small part of a couple's life & disappears if you live long enough, love lasts if you choose to work on it. Reply

Maralyn Kingstowne December 23, 2018

in response to Yakov Isaacs:

Consider getting their Numerology/Gematria/Astrology chart done. I'd get all three done! Animal attraction is the most fickle attraction there is! It takes about 6 months of being married to someone out of attraction before you repel the real person inside. Triggering animal attraction is also an evil person's most clever means of entrapment.

I don't have a Y chromosome, so I can't speak for men, but as a woman, I strongly feel that you have to love what's on the inside of a person, or it doesn't matter how attracted you are. Or at least that's the way I work.

Besides, physical beauty fades. Then what do you do? Marry someone new? Suppose their mutual attraction for you fades? There needs to be more than animal attraction.

In addition, with so many people looking to exploit others today, it's wise to see Rabbi about ways to subdue animal impulse; especially during years when hormones are raging (which makes both sexes dumb).

Consider getting their Numerology/Gematria/Astrology chart done. It can save you years of pain, or enhance a relationship. Reply

Anonymous December 18, 2018

Thank you for that beautiful explanation!
I particularly enjoy the comparison of fear to love.
I know there are more depths there and it makes me want to learn more.
One question comes to mind. How then can we both fear and love Gd? Is it then supposed to be mostly love? Reply

Anonymous December 23, 2018

in response to Anonymous:

I know this sounds trite, but in truth love is not about what you are getting. Yakov Isaacs: Sounds trite, but love is not about what you are getting. You're giving because you choose to express love to this individual. A good spiritual study is Tanya or Kabbalah; practice that & you'll be less likely to fail & grow pessimistic.

Know yourself- your character & your soul's mission. Know them.

If any one is in it for what they can get, it's harder, so be prepared.

In fairness to you both, take a hard look & determine whether you just lust or want to give lasting love.

Relationships involve communication, work, compromise, & misunderstandings, but remember there are also rewards, if you choose your mate wisely.

We each enter relationships in a tikkun process. The relationship will make that apparent. But if you have a bleak expectation, you've created a self-fulfilling prophesy. Chabad.org teaches to have a positive attitude, which opens a channel for good things to happen.

Or you can enjoy the narcissism of being single; but that's a temporary joy too. Reply

Zac UK December 18, 2018

Can't feel love I would say that in this situation, it's one of two things but not fear as the primary emotion but a secondary.

Something has not been resolved in an earlier relationship. It could be the loss of a parent or a love relationship cut short but you can't emotionally move on until you address it. Your brain can try to move on but your heart won't. Our hearts have the same memory type cells as the brain. That's scientific fact. As our brains try to do something our hearts can well up in us and nag us to say, "hey let's sort this first".

The second cause maybe depression. The depression could be caused by the above or something else. But depression numbs your callings greatly. Figure out what the root is to remove the bad fruit.
Bless you. Reply

Anonymous December 23, 2018

in response to Zac:

Yakov, I could be wrong, but I have always taken it to mean not "obey or get cursed or punished" in a dictating fashion, but rather a loving warning as a wake up call to what one is doing to oneself. We are spiritual beings first and foremost. After all, Everything operates by spiritual principles, that is inescapable. Ignorance is no excuse. In earlier times, the average person would barely have known what is meant by spiritual principles. Even most of the "highly intelligent" "sophisticated" people of today barely understand or grasp a small portion of them. How then would this understanding be conveyed to people if not in these words this generation finds offensive? Since we hold the belief that G_d is good, it's just that we don't always see it, wouldn't "dictatorial" be a harsh judgement? Reply

emmanuel France December 18, 2018

I disagree with this article. The fact that this man doesn't feel love is not necessarily linked to a fear feeling. Maybe, but maybe not. Giving a diagnosis with so much elements at your disposal is dangerous. Maybe for example, this person is totally right : the girl is dating may very well be working very hard to get married and does everything ok, but somehow, this man feels deep inside that it's not genuine. Maybe this man is simply very egoist, or narcissistic and doesn't appreciate what he has, and maybe what he thinks was love was only passion. I can give a few other scenariis but my point is this :
Giving a definitive explanation "al regel ehad" (standing on only one leg) is not appropriate and may harm. Reply

Anonymous Fla December 23, 2018

in response to emmanuel:

You have some very valid points. You have some very valid points.
I did hear a Rabbi talk about many men having this fear she speaks about. It is common, even in the absence of any reason she didn't mention. However, it is good that you make these points because you may very well be right. Reply

Levi Varkaka, India December 23, 2018

in response to emmanuel:

I agree. I think we are all born into this world differently and come into the world with different dispoisitions. We come in that way and if you have several chidren you might attest to that. There are scools of knowledge that can identify the differences in people that are older than pyschology. Ithink psychology has its place, but there are others. Reply

Anonymous GB December 23, 2018

in response to emmanuel:

It is his own feelings the man refers to, not that he doubts the feelings of the young woman. You do not have to be egotistic or narcissistic to feel that despite "ticking all the right boxes" (as if someone is buying an electrical item) that person is not 'the one', human beings are not inaminate objects & anyone marrying deserves to be 'special' to their spouse, not just 'suitable'. If you don't have that 'connection' before marriage, there is a danger that you will meet someone afterwards with which you do also. Reply

Anonymous Cardiff December 18, 2018

You could give it longer to see if your feelings deepen/change, but there is a difference between feeling friendship/having 'brotherly' feelings for someone & wanting to marry someone just because they tick all the 'suitability' boxes. Could you live without her? If the answer is 'yes', I would be cautious, a wife deserves to be special & irreplaceable. Reply

Ross Bay Area, CA December 18, 2018

Or you just don't respect her because she's not far enough out of your league... Reply

Les Dyason Goodwood December 18, 2018

questions and answers are so real.. thank you. Reply

Anonymous December 18, 2018

Not Always... While that may be true in some cases, I know that the Rebbe said to my father who had dated someone who everything seemed to fit, the whole checklist, but something wasn't right or was missing and the Rebbe said check if there is "meshichas Halev" - your heart is drawn to her, and he felt that that was what was missing, [I believe the Rebbe said that to quite a number of people].
The way I see it, a good way to ensure that there will be a good feeling, is to first spend time figuring oneself out, what kind of people you enjoy being around, write a list of what do they have or do that makes you want to be friendly with them, and then think of those you would want to stay away from, or just prefer not to hang around and write a list of what about them irritates you or makes you not interested in being around them. Once you have these lists, you [or your matchmaker] makes a background check, look out for those things in the prospective, that s/he has what you want and not what you don't Reply

Levi Thailand December 18, 2018

Doesn't it say that God has as hard a time putting the right people together as he did splitting the Red Sea. Reply

Anonymous December 23, 2018

in response to Levi:

Where does it say that? Reply

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