How to Neutralize Self Criticism

We are our own worst critics. (“What a lazy bum you are!” “What a selfish person!” “You’re such a bad spouse/parent/child!”) In this chapter we’ll explore ways to soften the sting of such harsh self-critical thoughts. But first—a quick crash course in criminal law.

In medieval times, confessions were considered an indisputable reason to convict someone. If the prosecution extracted a confession from the defendant, the case was sealed. What more could possibly be needed? He admitted it himself!

As civilization progressed, it became clear that many innocent people were being forced to admit to entirely fabricated crimes. Beginning in the 1600s, the Western legal system adopted a law called corpus delicti (“body of the crime”). It stipulates that corroborating evidence of an actual crime having taken place is always needed for conviction. Confession alone is not enough.

However, even under corpus delicti, confession still plays a major role: Once police have confirmed that a crime has indeed taken place, confession can sometimes be the only evidence pointing to who the criminal is. In many legal systems today, self-incrimination is enough to determine a suspect’s guilt, and no other evidence is required.

Jewish law takes a different position. Rava, the great chair of the Babylonian Talmudic academy at the turn of the second century CE, famously ruled: “A person is their own relative, and thus a person cannot be trusted to render themselves wicked.”1 Even if a crime has been confirmed, if there is no evidence indicating who the criminal is, one’s own testimony is not relied upon to render them “wicked,” i.e., guilty. The reason? “A person is their own relative.”

What does that mean?

One interpretation2 is that Rava’s words point to a profound psychological truth: “A person is their own relative”—our minds are incapable of being objective about ourselves. Just as our minds can inflate our accomplishments and self-worth, they can similarly exaggerate the severity of our failures. Therefore, says Rava, even if you testify about your own guilt, your testimony is not sufficient evidence. Your subjective mind may see your actions in a far worse light than the objective reality merits.

When people would berate themselves to the Rebbe, depicting their grim moral state or overall failed existence, he would often teach them Rava’s ruling. He would explain that as human beings, we see things subjectively, and, being emotionally involved, it is easy for us to see our state as dramatically worse than it is. As he concluded a letter to a man who lamented his utter incompetence:

May it be G‑d’s will that you recognize the truth in the saying of our Sages that “a person is their own relative” and therefore doesn’t judge their own situation accurately, sometimes tilting their assessment to the right and sometimes to the left.3

Similarly, in response to a young man who asserted that despite a year of working to improve himself he remained the exact same flawed individual he was before, the Rebbe wrote the following:

There is a well-known ruling of our Sages: “A person cannot be trusted to testify about themselves,” since “a person is their own relative.” And just as regarding legal matters one is trusted to testify neither in favor of their own innocence nor the opposite [i.e., their own guilt]—the same is true regarding matters of the heart…. Although it may be true that you had the ability to change more than you did, Heaven forbid to say that in the last twelve months you haven’t changed at all! Indeed, the verse says,4 “Distance yourself from falsehood.”5

So the first point to remember when confronted by a self-critical thought is this: You are “your own relative.” This taints your perspective, and makes you susceptible to exaggeration. Don’t trust the dark picture your mind is painting. In all likelihood, it doesn’t reflect reality.

Jewish wisdom takes this a step further: Overblown self-criticism is more than just a side effect of your subjective mind. It is also a symptom of a dark inner force that actively propels such destructive thoughts.

The Negative Inclination

The Talmud teaches that every person has two yetzers—two opposing inner forces.6 One motivates you to do what is right, to grow, to be better; this is called the yetzer tov—the good inclination. The other seeks to hinder you and put you on the path of self-destruction; this is called the yetzer hara—the evil inclination.

The Chasidic masters would often7 refer to the yetzer hara as der klugenker (Yiddish for “smart aleck”), explaining that this negative voice is quite clever with how it brings you down. It doesn’t try to seduce you with obvious nonsense that’s clearly out of line with your values (“Hey, why don’t you rob that bank?”). Quite the contrary, it uses moralistic negative self-talk in the spirit of your dearest principles (“What a disgraceful hypocrite you are!”) to shrewdly put your weaknesses on display and lead you to despair.

Nosson Gourary was an American teenager and yeshiva student in the 1960s. He had an ongoing correspondence and several personal meetings with the Rebbe about his studies and development. “One time,” he related, “I complained to the Rebbe that everything I do is with ulterior motives.

“The Rebbe told me that being that this simply isn’t true—there are times that you do things without ulterior motives—you should know that it is only your yetzer hara trying to bother you, and you should say to your yetzer hara that you don’t have time to spend with him, since the issue is fundamentally false. Especially since the Talmud teaches that mitoch shelo lishmah ba lishmah8—one who acts out of ulterior motives will eventually come to act for the right reasons—a person must therefore continue to do Torah and mitzvot even with ulterior motives, and eventually his motives will be pure.”9

Here we see the Rebbe take a common mode of self-critical thinking, one that teenagers are especially prone to (“Everything I do is to impress other people… to advance a personal agenda… in order to get attention. I’m a fraud!”), and expose it for what it really is—a devious tactic of the yetzer hara that will get you nowhere. Don’t be convinced by this seemingly authentic self-censure. Dismiss the voice obsessing about motives and continue the good things you’re doing.

In another instance, a young woman wrote to the Rebbe that she aspired to go into education and was currently enrolled in a course for teachers. However, she was experiencing a loss of concentration and self-confidence, leading her to doubt whether she was capable of being a good teacher.

“It is clear,” begins the response,

based on what I have heard and know about you, that divine providence has gifted you with a talent for education, with the ability to absorb knowledge well, and in general with those characteristics necessary to succeed as a teacher and educator….

In addition to the above, one of the tactics of the yetzer hara, who wants to disturb a person from serving their Creator—which necessitates peace of mind; a confidence that everything the Creator does is for a good purpose; and thus a confidence that alongside the talents gifted to you, you were also certainly provided the ability to actualize them purposefully—is to convince a person that a temporary and normal setback is in fact much more serious, by inflating and intensifying it in their eyes….10

Identifying highly self-critical thoughts as the voice of the yetzer hara can help you push back against that line of thinking. When you take a step back and see it for what it is—merely a tactic of your evil inclination—it loses its hold on your emotions and becomes easier to ignore.

All this leads us to an important question: Aren’t some self-critical thoughts good? Don’t some of them allow you to recognize your defects and growth opportunities? And if so, how can you know when the voice is constructive and when it’s a tactic of the yetzer hara?

The Bottom Line

There is a simple barometer from the Chasidic masters:11 Ask yourself what the end result of these self-reproachful thoughts will be. Will they lead you to do good, to improve yourself, to be more productive? Or will they lead you to self-doubt, despair, and stagnation? If the answer is the latter, however profound and virtuous the thoughts seem, you can be sure they stem from the yetzer hara.

A response to a teacher who had written to the Rebbe that he sometimes thinks to himself, ‘‘Who am I to teach others, knowing what I really am?” reads as follows:

The barometer to discern from where such thoughts arise is already known: if they inhibit you from a good activity, it is certain that these thoughts stem from “the other side” [i.e., the side of Kelipah, or impurity], as the Rebbe Rashab taught. Be done with scatter-headedness and distracting thoughts of this sort, and may you share good news of your positive influence on your students.12

An American businessman once wrote to the Rebbe that he expected far more of himself than he was in the position to accomplish. These thoughts were plaguing him and he felt dejected. In the response, after noting that the sentiment to expect more of oneself every new day is usually a virtue, the Rebbe continued,

Nevertheless, the important thing is that such calculations should bring an additional measure of energy and activity. But it should be remembered that energy and activity can come only from a state of vitality, which is the opposite of frustration. Therefore, if one’s reflections have the result of bringing only frustration, then the thing to do is to dismiss such reflections from the mind in order to be able to carry on one’s daily activities with joy.13

Tzvi Grunblatt was born in Argentina in 1954 to a father who had survived the concentration camps and a mother who had escaped Hitler’s Germany. The community in Buenos Aires where he grew up was made up mostly of European immigrants and survivors seeking a safe haven from the ashes of Europe. Although they taught their children some nostalgic Jewish traditions, the vibrant spirit of Judaism was considered to be hopelessly lost, along with everything else of their old homes.

However, being a thirsty soul, young Grunblatt gravitated towards a Chasidic man who was active in the community. Something was different about him. His soulful prayers and his passion for life stirred something in Grunblatt.

“If you want to explore Judaism in depth,” the man advised him, “go to New York and study in the Rebbe’s yeshiva.” Grunblatt took up his suggestion, traveled to Brooklyn, and eagerly ventured into the new world opening before him. He threw himself into the bottomless sea of the Talmud, the mystical universe of Chasidic teachings, the vigilant work of self-refinement, and the immersive experience of meditative prayer.

Nonetheless, despite his sincere efforts, he felt deeply inadequate. He would regularly criticize himself that he was failing in his pursuits and that he wasn’t living up to the image of a true Chasidic yeshiva student. Vexed by these thoughts, he felt an urgent need to meet with the Rebbe to discuss his spiritual state. He beseeched the Rebbe’s secretary to override the normal waiting time and squeeze him into the busy schedule. Finally, his request was granted.

Grunblatt later recalled: “The Rebbe said to me, ‘Regarding what you write that you can’t do this and can’t do that, that you’re not successful in this or that—our Sages have said that “if you put in effort you will succeed.” This was said to me, and to you, and to other Jews. Thus, since you put in the effort, you certainly had success. Your critical thoughts that you’re failing simply cannot be true.’

“The Rebbe then continued, ‘Any type of thoughts that lead you to dejection [are certainly not virtuous, for they] only detract from your vigor in action, they only detract from bitachon [trust in G‑d], and they only detract from your time and energy. Thus, any [denigrating] thoughts that deject you—you must throw them out!’”

Grunblatt took those words to heart. Two years later, as a newly-married man, he returned to Argentina with his wife, Shterna, and spearheaded one of the great Jewish revivals of modern times, building and overseeing what is today a network of over sixty synagogues, Jewish schools, and social service organizations across Argentina.

Recounting that meeting some forty years later, Grunblatt lingered for another moment: “Those were his words to me… ‘You must throw them out!’”14

It Is Prohibited

There is yet another tool to disarm the yetzer hara’s weapon of self-denigration.

A central teaching in the Torah is the prohibition against engaging in lashon hara—derogatory speech.15 Even if the content of the speech is accurate, one is prohibited from pointlessly speaking ill of someone, discussing their weaknesses, or recounting their misdeeds.

In his counseling, the Rebbe would often quote the Chasidic saying that “the prohibition against talking badly about someone applies to talking badly about oneself, too.” And this doesn’t apply only in cases of exaggeration; such speech is prohibited even if it is entirely true. Bemoaning your flaws for no constructive reason is not only not a virtue—it is wrong.

“I just received your recent letter,” begins a 1953 response,

and I have also received your previous letter. I am dismayed by the [harsh] words you write about yourself. I have recounted multiple times in the past an anecdote that my saintly father-in-law [Rabbi Yosef Yitzchak Schneersohn, the previous Rebbe] repeated to me: An individual once visited him for a private audience and asked for a way to mend various things. While posing his query, he described himself and his spiritual state in dreadful terms. In response, my father-in-law told him that the severity of the prohibition against speaking badly about someone is well known—and this, he continued, includes also oneself.16

In a letter responding to a man who criticized himself sharply, the Rebbe explained the reasoning:

The prohibition of lashon hara applies even to oneself. And this is true about every single person. Because each and every person has a divine soul that is “a part of G‑d.” And even at the time of failure, it remains connected to G‑d.17

Pointlessly dwelling on our faults and mistakes is an affront to our essential divine soul, which remains untarnished. We are denigrating it by our self-depreciation, even if it is true. All the more so that it is often our subjective mind and evil inclination deceiving us.

Let’s conclude with a short story:

Mendel Lipskar was a Canadian teenager studying in Brooklyn in the mid-1960s. Gifted with an acute mind, he excelled in analyzing the cryptic dialogues of the Talmud. However, despite his academic success, he was running into difficulties with his study partner. “We were constantly at loggerheads with each other,” Lipskar recalled. “Whatever he would say, I would contradict; whatever I would say, he would contradict.” Lipskar began to harbor doubts about what this combativeness indicated about his character. Disturbed, he decided to bring it up in an audience with the Rebbe.

“I told the Rebbe that I thought there was something wrong with me that I was arguing with this guy all the time. But the Rebbe said to me simply, ‘It would appear that you have a gift for pilpul.’ By pilpul, he meant the ability to reach the core of a given idea through intense dialogue and debate. Suddenly, something that had seemed to be a problem, I now saw as something positive—we were arguing because we were dissatisfied with a shallow reading of the text; we wanted to find a deeper meaning. It wasn’t a flaw to denigrate; it was instead a virtue to cultivate.”18

Self-critical thoughts are confusing. They speak in the name of character development, but they often don’t feel quite right. Are they the voice of your moral compass? Or are they something else to be ignored?

Use this simple tool to dispel the confusion: Look ahead to the results. Does this line of thinking lead you to actionable growth? Or does it bring down your spirit and lead you to despair? If indeed the latter is the case—as it so often is—know that these thoughts are certainly the voice of your yetzer hara (evil inclination) trying to derail you. Treat this critic as the conniving enemy that it is.

It also helps to remember the following: “a person is their own closest relative” and you inevitably have a subjective perception of your own shortcomings. Furthemore, regardless of the objective reality, such futile self-denigration is morally wrong, as it disparages your beautiful, G‑d-given soul.

However, once you have identified these thoughts as something you want to rid yourself of, they won’t necessarily leave. Our minds are in fact populated by thoughts we prefer not to engage with. So what now?

This leads us to a broader cognitive tool found in the Rebbe’s counseling.

« Previous

How You Can Harness Your Bad Moods

The Rebbe’s Advice for Anxiety

Footnotes

Yevamot 25b; Ketubot 18b; Sanhedrin 9b, 25a.
It is important to note that this Talmudic principle applies only to questions of punishment and penalty. Regarding all monetary disputes, a plaintiff’s admissions are considered solid evidence (see, for example, Gittin 40b). Additionally, in some exceptional cases, a Jewish court can rely only on the admission of the suspect (see Teshuvot Harivash, responsum 234).

The classic explanation (see, for example, Rashi, Sanhedrin 9b) is that Rava is referring to the general Torah ruling that unequivocally disqualifies all relatives of a suspect from being witnesses, even to testify to his guilt (Sanhedrin 27b, derives this principle from Deuteronomy 24:16). Rava is simply expanding this general rule to apply to every individual about themselves, as well. After all, a person is—quite literally—their own relative.
Others (see Tosefot, Bava Metzia 3b) explain that a person, being only a single individual, cannot on their own take down the assumption of innocence that is their natural status (“chezkat kashrut”); for that, a proper pair of witnesses is necessary. Thus, even in cases where a relative’s testimony would theoretically be admissible, Rava’s rule still applies.
Maimonides (Mishneh Torah, Hilchot Sanhedrin 18:6) provides an explanation based on human psychology—that there are individuals who want to harm themselves and thus speak of crimes they never committed.
The particular psychological explanation of Rava’s ruling found in this chapter is based on how the Rebbe explained it in multiple letters. (Whether this understanding is meant as an actual explanation of Rava’s teaching or is only drawing on it as an allegorical interpretation remains unclear.) In addition to the letters quoted in the chapter, see also, for example:
Igrot Kodesh, Vol. 10, p. 202: “…self-love [is] blinding, so that sometimes one exaggerates the not-good parts of themselves and sometimes the good parts, as in the ruling in our Torah that a person is trusted neither to consider themselves righteous nor to consider themselves wicked.”
Igrot Kodesh, Vol. 15, p. 62, to a teacher who wrote that he is not having an effect on his students: “On this and about this our Sages have said that a person is their own relative and is biased and thus is not trusted to testify about themselves, neither their own merit nor [to their guilt].”
Igrot Kodesh, Vol. 18, p. 142: “One needs the opinion of someone on site, because, a person is their own closest relative,’ as our Sages say, and thus cannot judge their own situation accurately; as our Sages explain, because of a person’s proximity to themselves they aren’t trusted to testify about themselves—whether to their own virtues or their weaknesses….”
See also Igrot Kodesh, Vol. 16, p. 336.
The following letter (Igrot Kodesh, Vol. 20, p. 284) explains that Rava’s principle can sometimes apply to parents’ judgment of their children (i.e., because of their emotional closeness, parents cannot always see their children objectively, sometimes also seeing their defects worse than they are):
“In response to your letter detailing various thoughts about your son’s education…
“Since this decision depends on multiple factors, and especially your son’s individual personality, it would be advisable to consult with others who know him well. Very often, parents themselves are not so reliable when it comes to assessing their children. The concern is not only that they might tilt the assessment too much to the right [i.e., exaggerate their children’s virtues] but also, because of their closeness, they might tilt it in the opposite direction [i.e., overblow their defects]. This is similar to the teaching of our Sages [Sanhedrin 9b] that a person is not trusted to declare themselves righteous, and also not to [declare themselves wicked]. And may G‑d, who looks after every individual with divine providence, help you to choose what is truly best for your son, both physically and spiritually.”
*
As a way to mitigate the distorted perspective that comes from being “our own closest relative,” the Rebbe would often recommend seeking the advice of others in order to gain objective insight. Pointing to King Solomon’s teaching (Proverbs 11:14) that “with a multitude of counselors salvation is found,” he would encourage people to consult with understanding friends to hear their perspective.
See, for example, Igrot Kodesh, Vol. 20, p. 127: “Since a ‘person is their own relative,’ and thus isn’t always able to assess their own strengths accurately, or the external pressures that are affecting them, it is worthwhile to consult with your friends who are knowledgeable in all the above.”
See also Igrot Kodesh, Vol. 22, p. 141, to a man who felt people were maliciously targeting his business: “Oftentimes it can seem that someone is going after you even though it isn’t necessarily so in reality—or at least not to the extent that it appears. Since ‘a person is their own relative,’ you should consult with your friends who live there about the matter.”
See also Igrot Kodesh, Vol. 7, p. 291.

Igrot Kodesh, Vol. 16, p. 283.

Exodus 23:7.

Igrot Kodesh, Vol. 12, p. 149.

Berachot 61a.

See, for example, Likkutei Dibburim, Vol. 3, p. 516, and Sefer Hasichot 5708, p. 177. The Rebbe would often connect this Chasidic term with the words of the Talmud (Shabbat 105b), “This is the craft of the yetzer hara—today it tells him do this, tomorrow it tells him to do that, until eventually it tells him to worship idols,” indicating the shrewd and strategic process the yetzer hara uses to get someone going down the wrong path. See, for example, Torat Menachem, Vol. 1, p. 106 (chabad.org/2988063); ibid., Vol. 7, p. 92 (chabad.org/2987856); ibid., Vol. 33, p. 475 (chabad.org/2987979).
A 1954 letter (Igrot Kodesh, Vol. 9, p. 297) reconciles the above Talmudic statement, which implies that the yetzer hara is strategic and shrewd, with an apparently contradictory teaching from the Sages. On King Solomon’s words, “Better a poor but wise youth than an old but foolish king” (Ecclesiastes 4:13), the Midrash (Kohelet Rabbah 4:13) comments that “an old but foolish king” refers to the yetzer hara. Because it is first to enter a person’s heart and because people tend to listen to its advice, it is “old” and a “king,” but it is also a fool. The letter reconciles these descriptions: the yetzer hara’s foolishness lies in what it advocates for, and its wisdom lies in its tactics.
The above letter also finds other biblical sources for the yetzer hara’s craftiness. In Kabbalistic teachings, the serpent who seduced Eve is seen as a spiritual predecessor to the yetzer hara. The Torah describes the serpent with these words: “Now the serpent was the shrewdest of all the wild beasts” (Genesis 3:1).
See also Igrot Kodesh, Vol. 19, p. 226: “The dictum of our Chasidic masters is known: just as it is important to know your own flaws, it is equally important to know your own virtues [see Sefer Hasichot 5687, p. 114]. This is especially so given that one of the tactics of the yetzer hara is to instill dejection into a person’s heart by saying, ‘Since you’re not succeeding anyway, who cares?’
“Although the yetzer hara is ‘a craftsman’ [Shabbat 105b], ‘G‑d has created an antidote to the yetzer hara in the form of the Torah’ [see Kiddushin 30b], especially the teachings of Chabad Chasidut, which bring his tactics to light, including the aforementioned tactic [of amplifying a person’s weaknesses], whose purpose is only to bring a person down.”

Pesachim 50b.

A Chasidisher Derher, Cheshvan 5778, p. 39.

10.

Igrot Kodesh, Vol. 19, p. 106, and Vol. 18, p. 147.

11.

See Igrot Kodesh Admor Mehorayatz, Vol. 4, p. 67; and Hayom Yom, entry for 23 Sivan.

12.

Igrot Kodesh, Vol. 15, p. 305.
See also Igrot Kodesh, Vol. 13, p. 270, written in response to a Chasidic activist who lamented his inability to produce anything perfectly: “You should examine where such thoughts come from…. The barometer is explained in the teachings of my saintly father-in-law: Any thought that holds you back from actual work, as exalted as it seems to be, is only a scheme of the animalistic soul. And since, as it seems from your letter, these reflections inhibit you from your activities in ‘disseminating the wellsprings’—it is clear that their source is impure and detrimental….”
See also Igrot Kodesh, Vol. 12, p. 287:
“I was told of your dejected spirit over your [perceived dismal] spiritual state….
“My saintly father-in-law taught that the prohibition against speaking lashon hara applies also to oneself; and we know the difference between slander and lashon hara from the Rambam—that the latter is prohibited even when the things being said are entirely true [Mishneh Torah, Hilchot Dei’ot 7:2]. All the more so [in our case] when it is an exaggeration. And exaggeration is an understatement.
“Chasidic teachings explain that for a planted seed to sprout into a tree and bear fruit of its own, it needs to first decompose in the earth; i.e., there needs to be the effacement of its first existence in order for it to grow exponentially.
“However, when is this decomposition a blessing? When it happens inside fertilized earth that is suited for planting and growing. But if one places a seed on the table and then decomposes it, not only is this not constructive to growth, it actually ruins the seed. And this is the difference between merirut [bitterness, which is constructive]] and atzvut [sadness, which is destructive], as explained in Tanya [chapter 31].
“The barometer by which you can know, without deceiving yourself, what kind of ‘decomposition’ and dejection you are experiencing is to check the actual results: If this dissatisfaction leads to increased Jewish activities, that means it is the type of ‘decomposition’ that will lead to growing something worth many times the original ‘seed,’ but if it leads to weakening or even stopping such activities altogether, then it’s clear that it is the other type…”
See also Igrot Kodesh, Vol. 15, p. 330; Vol. 17, p. 181; Vol. 27, p. 142 (about continuous thoughts of remorse for past actions).
*
In this spirit, it is important to take note of a related theme in the Rebbe’s counseling: the consistent prioritization of action over reflection and rumination. The Rebbe posited this both as a principle (that action is objectively the most important bottom line) and as a strategy (that action, more than thought, has the power to change a person’s spiritual and emotional state).
There are a few Torah sources for this approach that the Rebbe frequently pointed at. One was the teaching of the Mishnah: “The essential thing is not study, but deed” (Avot 1:17). Another was the axiom from the Zohar that “asiyah le’eila—deed is above all.”
The Zohar (Vol. I, p. 115a) derives this principle from the verse “And G‑d took note of Sarah as He had promised, and G‑d did for Sarah as He had spoken” [Genesis 21:1]. The Zohar observes that in the first half of the verse, where G‑d only “takes note,” His name is written “vaHashem,” with a prefix, whereas in the second half of the verse, where G‑d “takes action,” His name is simply Hashem, with no prefix. Mystically, when G‑d’s name is spelled simply, with no add-ons, it indicates a higher level of G‑dliness than when His name is written with a prefix. That is how the Zohar derives that deed is above all.
The Zohar (Vol. III, p. 108b) also extracts this principle from the Jewish people’s response to G‑d when he gave them the Torah. First they said “We will do,” and only later did they add “We will hear [understand].” Although hearing and understanding would seem to be the necessary precursor to doing, the Zohar observes that the verse records first “we will do.” This indicates that deed is, in fact, what matters most.
See, for example, the following 1957 letter (Igrot Kodesh, Vol. 15, p. 248) to a man who wrote that he sometimes questions if there is value in his positive actions, considering his ulterior motives:
“The directive of our Sages is already known—‘A person should always engage in Torah study, even not for its own sake, for through this, one will come to engage it for its own sake’ [Pesachim 50b]. If this is true of everyone, all the more so is it true of one who is already bothered by the purity of their intentions and is thinking about it—such a person will certainly ultimately ‘do it for its own sake.’ And this is true even if an external motive actually played a role; all the more so [in your case] when this itself might be in doubt.
“What is most important going forward is to remember the Mishnah’s teaching that ‘it is the deed that is essential.’ In the words of the holy Zohar—‘Asiyah le’eila,’ i.e., deed is above all. Although self-reflection and soul-searching are necessary, we know my saintly father-in-law’s analogy–that a businessperson who keeps leaving their business to get busy checking their account balance, calculating whether the incoming cash flow covers expenses, and so on, not only will not benefit their business, but very much the opposite. As the verse states, ‘There’s a time for everything’ [Ecclesiastes 3:1].”
For other letters that touch upon this analogy from the Previous Rebbe, see Igrot Kodesh, Vol. 8, p. 267; Vol. 11, p. 98; Vol. 14, p. 486. See also Igrot Kodesh, Vol. 4, p. 404.

13.

English letter dated 5 Tishrei, 5720.

14.

Living Torah (JEM), disc 168.

15.

The prohibition is rooted in the verse “You shall not go around as a gossipmonger amidst your people” (Leviticus 19:16). The Sages have also taught (see Rashi ad loc.) that the verse “Cursed be he who strikes his fellow in secret” (Deuteronomy 27:24) also alludes to talking bad about another, which on some level is “striking them in secret.”

16.

Igrot Kodesh, Vol. 7, p. 194. The letter continues: “This can be more profoundly understood based on the distinction between the prohibition against slander [motzi shem ra] and the prohibition against speaking bad about someone. The former, commentaries explain, pertains only to spreading a false narrative about someone. The prohibition against lashon hara, on the other hand, applies even if it is true….” As sources for this distinction, the letter references Rambam’s Peirush Hamishnayot, Pirkei Avot 1:17, as well as Mishneh Torah, Hilchot Dei’ot 7:2. The Rebbe later added to the letter an additional reference to Sdei Chemed, Klalim 30:63, which delineates various proofs for this distinction.
See also, for example, Igrot Kodesh, Vol. 6, p. 76: “Regarding your lamentation over your spiritual state—that your inspiration and growth lasts only for a bit and then recedes [and thus seems to you to be disingenuous]—we know the dictum of my saintly father-in-law, that the prohibition against speaking lashon hara is not only about another but about oneself too.
“It is also known how Chasidut interprets [Torah Or, Parshat Vayeishev, p. 28c] the verse [Psalms 126:1] ‘We will be like dreamers’—that even if soon after a positive inspiration one finds themselves in an opposite state [seeming to prove that it wasn’t truly heartfelt], G‑d forbid, the inspiration may nevertheless have been entirely authentic. Just like in a dream where opposites truly coexist.
“Either way, even if the situation is in fact as you described it, lamentation is no solution, and taking action is most effective….”
Igrot Kodesh, Vol. 15, p. 152:
“Regarding what you wrote, that you have a ‘clogged’ heart, and so on.
“We know the dictum of my saintly father-in-law that the negation of lashon hara doesn’t apply only to talking badly about someone else, but applies to oneself too. And just like it is important for avodat Hashem [divine service] not to overlook one’s flaws, it is also important to know one’s strengths [Sefer Hasichot 5687, p. 114]. We see clearly that one of the tactics of the yetzer hara is to instill dejection and despair in a person who is serving their Creator, by saying, ‘Who are you anyway, and what difference will your efforts make?’ and so on…”
Igrot Kodesh, Vol. 18, p. 347:
“Certainly this [dismal description] is not aligned with reality. We already know the dictum of my saintly father-in-law that the negation of lashon hara doesn’t only apply to talking badly about someone else, but applies to oneself too. And we know the dictum of his father [the Rebbe Rashab] that just as it is important to know one’s flaws, it is equally important to know one’s virtues [Sefer Hasichot 5687, p. 114]. And it is worth noting—when it comes to being a positive influence on others, sometimes knowing your virtues is more important than knowing your flaws…”
See also Igrot Kodesh, Vol. 6, p. 100; Heichal Menachem Vol. 2, p. 95.

17.

Igrot Kodesh, Vol. 20, p. 13.

18.

Here’s My Story (JEM), “A Memorable Deal,” accessible at chabad.org/4449210.

Rabbi Levi Shmotkin is a Chasidic scholar based in Brooklyn N.Y. He has led immersive classes in Jewish mysticism in Los Angeles and Jerusalem, and has written several courses on the Rebbe’s thought that have been studied by tens of thousands worldwide. Letters for Life is his first book.

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Harry S Pearle Rochester January 4, 2026

"The BEST is the enemy of the GOOD" (Voltaire)
In competition, in school, at work, in the community, there is competition for ATTENTION and SUCCESS. We want the BEST value, but real people, can't all be the BEST.

Perhaps, mentioning this saying, can help us all to get ahead.
Yosef, dominated his brother, and they rejected him. Later, they were reunited, in Mitzraim.
I could go on and on (Thank you for this incredible lesson, Rabbi Smotkin) Reply

S UK January 1, 2026

B"H
The Rebb'im always teach, 'think positive and it will be positive'. Negativity can be a challenge to break, this is not unachievable. Practice makes perfect and the liberating effects are empowering, encouraging continual positive growth. Reply

Harry S Pearle Rochester December 31, 2025

Write sounds the same as right.
It is not easy to change thoughts, and habits. Sometimes it may be easy, but if it was always easy we would not need therapists.
But let me suggest that some key word play may, with practice help us to change for the better.

TRY WAIT, for example,is a strange saying to relax in Hawaii. I saw this on a NY license plate, near the Rochester Yeshiva. Perhaps, if I repeat the saying and write it down, with time, I am be reminded to slow down, more often.

I wonder if Rabbi Shmotkin would care to comment on the idea: do the write thing".
Write down key words and practice with them to change attitudes.
Hatzlacha Raba Harry in Rochester Reply

Susan Dworin December 31, 2025

This was rich and very helpful! It made me laugh a lot. I kept trying to imagine what the yetzar harah looked like…relentless character! The stories were great. Wish I had had the opportunity to meet the Rebbe of blessed memory. Actually, I realize he is part of my life now, amazing.

Thank you for pulling these stories and letters together. Each visit you write about I imagine him sitting at his desk, as though I was entering in through the door. Reply

The Negative Inclination

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It Is Prohibited

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