Vayikra: To Praise or Not to Praise?
Dear Friend,
My daughter is beautiful, talented and bright (no bias here, of course . . .). And I let her know it. All the time.
Am I doing her a disservice? In this week’s magazine, we are featuring a Chabad.org classic by the late Jay Litvin, who reinforces my positive parenting approach. In The Benefits of Being Stupid When You’re Old, he asserts that parents should encourage and recognize their children’s successes, and “it is this sense of self-esteem and confidence that will yield the courage to learn, explore and succeed far more than any knowledge.” Score for Mommy!
But Chana Weisberg says quite the opposite in A Great Smallness: According to recent research, high self-esteem doesn’t improve grades or career achievement. Be discriminating with your praise, she advises.
So, what do I do with my little star? Chana concludes that “the most empowering self-image that you can give your child is the knowledge that she is a part of something much greater than herself.” So, as much as I love to heap on the praise, I want my daughter to know that she is much more than a pretty face and a bright mind. She is a little piece of G‑d. And she is here to do mitzvahs and make this world a better place.
As are we all.
Sasha Friedman,
on behalf of the Chabad.org Editorial Team
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As parents, we obviously believe that genuine self-esteem is important to our children’s psychological and spiritual development. But how can we avoid the hubris and laziness that invariably accompany an inflated self-image?
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