Step one is difficult for me sometimes. I find one side of my brain trying to convince the other side of my brain that I am not an addict. Just a kid who partied too hard and needed a little brake. Then I remember what a mess I made when I was using. A mess of myself, my life, and the people around me. It took a long time to clean up that mess (I am still working on it). But when I remember that, I know I can’t drink today.

I was not drinking for almost a year and a half before I started working this program, and the only reason I did start working this program was when I realized that Step one is “don’t drink” steps 2 through 12 are “change your life so you don’t have the compulsion to drink.” The compulsion to drink almost drove me crazy for the first year and a half.

This morning when I woke up, I had no desire to pray. I had 1,000 reasons in my head for why I should wait until later to pray (which usually means skip that day). But then I remembered I am working a program that promises me a freedom from the compulsion to drink, that I will intuitively know how to handle situations that baffle me, and a high road to live on. If I need 5 minutes in the morning to do that, so be it.

I feel better already.