Marking the grave of the deceased with a tombstone is an ancient Jewish custom that dates back to our Patriarchs and Matriarchs.1 The symbolic unveiling ceremony, however, is a more modern innovation with few established customs or rites.
In a typical unveiling ceremony, the tombstone is covered by a cloth and then revealed before family, relatives and close friends. This is usually accompanied by brief words of inspiration and prayers.
While some of the following customs are unique to the unveiling, others are common to any visit to the resting place of a loved one. Many of them are not set in stone (pun intended), since the entire ceremony is relatively modern.
That said, let’s outline some of the pertinent laws and customs.
When to Schedule the Unveiling
Many,2 including Chabad,3 follow mystical reasons for erecting a tombstone and do so (at least in unfinished form) on the day after shiva, the seven days of mourning.4 Others wait until thirty days,5 while many others wait until after twelve months.6
Even if the tombstone has been erected, the official unveiling may be delayed as there are certain days on the Jewish calendar when eulogies are not given. These include Shabbat, biblical holidays, Rosh Chodesh, Chanukah, Purim, and, according to many, any day Tachanun isn’t recited7 or even thirty days before a holiday.8
Since unveilings often include some form of eulogy,9 speak to a rabbi to ensure you schedule it for an appropriate time or plan a pared-down ceremony.10
What to Write on the Tombstone
When writing the tombstone, it’s important to keep a few things in mind. The gravestone should not be excessively ornate or large to the point that it stands out. If you wish to honor the deceased, consider giving excess money to charity in their merit.
A tombstone contains the Jewish names of the deceased in Hebrew, preceded by the letters פ”נ, which is an acronym for פה נטמן (“here lies”). Generally, Ashkenazim also include the father’s name, and Sephardim include the mother’s name, and it is not uncommon to include both.11 If the deceased was a Kohen or Levite, the father’s name is used. The Jewish date of passing should also be included.
It is traditional to write on the bottom ת.נ.צ.ב.ה., which stands for תהא נפשו/ה צרורה בצרור החיים, “may his/her soul be bound in the bond of life.” Avoid writing excessive or inaccurate praise of the deceased.12
Be sure to review your plans for the tombstone with your rabbi, since there are many details that are beyond the scope of this article, and you want to get it right.
Who Should Attend
Unveilings are typically reserved for close family members and dear friends, unlike a funeral, which the entire community is encouraged to attend. If you’re invited, assume that your presence will be appreciated and make the effort to attend.
There’s no requirement to have a minyan at an unveiling, but if mourners wish to say Kaddish, they should ensure that 10 Jewish males older than bar mitzvah are present.
As a rule, male Kohanim may not attend unveilings, even of their closest relatives, since they may not come into contact with the dead. Some cemeteries are designed to allow Kohanim to stand on a nearby road, separated by a low barrier. If you’re a Kohen, verify the arrangements before making plans.
Dress appropriately and respectfully. For men, this usually means wearing a nice pair of slacks and a button-down shirt. For women, this means wearing a modest skirt and top or a dress. Men should also ensure their heads are covered.
What to Say and Do
As with any visit to a grave, if you haven’t been to a Jewish cemetery for thirty days, recite a special blessing upon arrival.
It is customary when visiting a grave to say Psalms, including Psalm 91, and some add Psalms 33, 16, 17, 72, 104 and 130. Additionally, some recite verses from Psalm 119 that begin with the letters of the Hebrew name of the deceased, as well as the verses that make up the word נשמה (Heb. "soul").
If a minyan is present, Mourner’s Kaddish is then recited.
Many also recite the special prayer Kel Maleh Rachamim, a prayer for the soul of the departed.
If you choose to speak about the departed, it’s recommended to encourage visitors to honor the memory of the deceased by increasing their commitment to good deeds.
After the stone is actually uncovered, it’s common for someone to read it aloud. Some light a candle at the grave. Additionally, some place a pebble or stone on the tombstone to show the grave has been visited (for more on that, see Why Do Jews Put Stones on Graves?).
After leaving the cemetery, wash your hands in the ritual manner, pouring from a cup onto each loosely-clenched fist three times (alternating hands, as is done upon awakening in the morning).
May we merit the ultimate redemption and the resurrection of the dead, when we will be reunited with our loved ones!
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