go to: previous page [page 1 (1-7)] [page 2 (8-18)] [page 3 (19-26)]
[page 4 (27-33)] page 5 (34-35)

-- 34 --

From: Juan
To: Gershon
Date: December 1

A few quick matters...

if she were to come to the conclusion that 1) her religion prohibits it, and 2) she does not want to betray her religion, would you understand and accept her decision to break up the relationship?

Of course...

That means, then, that the relationship continues to be valid only because 1) she does not understand and/or 2) she does not agree with what Judaism says about the matter. If that is the case, shouldn't YOU be the first one to insist that she speak with me (either by e-mail, personally, in private or with you) in order to see if she really knows, understands and wants the consequences of what she is doing...?"

I think that she is aware of and understands the consequences, but in the balance of her life, at this stage, she cares more about what her feelings tell her than what her religion does. Paulina is one of the most intelligent people that I know. If she does not decide to break up the relationship, it is because she can't. She would not be able to take it. Let us presume that she is convinced that the best thing for both of us is for each to marry someone from the same religion. Then the big question comes back: If she does not have the necessary strength to break up with me (even though she knows that it is the best thing for us...) should I drop her, without caring what she says? (I expect a yes or no answer).

I understand that she loves you very much. Is that an advantage? Doesn't that mean that she is not even willing to entertain the possibility of leaving you because she loves you so much and that blinds her?

I see that you realize the magnitude of Paulina's love. If she were to decide to ignore it, do you think that one can find such a love around the corner?

Since I became an adolescent, I liked to befriend older people, and I discovered that many older people still harbor an old love in their souls. Several regret having let them go... I would not like that happening to me.

On the other hand, after getting married — end even more so, if you have children — the psychological tension changes completely. 'How did I get myself into this mess?' I imagine that it may sound impossible to you that such a day will come in your life. If it doesn't, it would be a miracle.

The Larousse dictionary that I have on my shelf defines, "Miracle: An occurrence that cannot be explained by natural causes and is attributed to divine intervention."

That would be marvelous. But I think that your expression means the second definition: "Miracle — By chance, rarely occurring."

In other words, occurring... but rarely so. The fact of the matter is that I have the remote possibility of being happy with Paulina and our children... and knowing that this slight chance exists, makes me unbelievably happy! The risk of ruining my life is insignificant in comparison with the happiness of growing old with Paulina!

There is a family whom I have been friends with for years. It is a mixed marriage. He is Jewish and she is a practicing Christian. Their children are brilliant students. Some are more interested in Judaism than others. I have known them for many years and I can assure you that they are a very happy couple. I have spoken with them several times regarding my situation, and they show themselves as an example that one can be happy in a mixed marriage. I am sure there are thousands like them.

I am sure that you must have many things to say... and I anxiously await your reply.

A strong hug.

Juan


-- 35 --

From: Gershon
To: Juan
Date: December 1

I think that she is aware of and understands the consequences... Then the big question comes back: If she does not have the necessary strength to break up with me (even though she knows that it is the best thing for us...) should I drop her, without caring what she says? (I expect a yes or no answer).

In other words, what you are asking is: "Being that we both understand that the proper thing for us to do would be to break up the relationship, but we find it extremely difficult to do so, how can we accomplish it in a healthy, happy, painless way, without regretting it later?"

If this interpretation of your question is correct, we can continue to explore the possibilities. If I did not interpret your question correctly, please correct me.

I see that you realize the magnitude of Paulina's love. If she were to decide to ignore it, do you think that one can find such a love around the corner?

I think that it is possible, although not around the corner... but around herself. It requires — first and foremost — a deep reevaluation on her part regarding who she is, where is she coming from and where is she going to. But, again, this matter becomes relevant only after first resolving if my reformulation of your question is correct...

I discovered that many older people still harbor an old love in their souls. Several regret having let them go... I would not like that happening to me.

As I mentioned to you in the previous mail, it is not the same loving something that one does not have as loving something that one does have. Very often, an "old love" is nothing more than virtual reality, a product of one's imagining that "my life with her would've been different." But it is pure speculation. I think that in many of those cases, people confuse true, deep love with superficial infatuation...

The risk of ruining my life is insignificant in comparison with the happiness of growing old with Paulina!

If the basis for the decision is to fulfill G‑d's wishes, I don't think that you can say that it would be the wrong decision... True, it may be difficult... but ruin your life? Of course, it depends on what "life" is and what makes a happy life.

There is a family that lives in my neighborhood who I have been friends with for years. It is a mixed marriage... and I can assure you that they are a very happy couple. I have spoken with them several times regarding my situation, and they show themselves as an example that one can be happy in a mixed marriage. I am sure there are thousands like them

I think that it is very difficult to know what is really going on in the private life of others... People, in general, tend to show that everything is Ok... Besides, how do you know what kind of experiences and Jewish education he had? Perhaps he has his Jewish identity very hidden and does not experience a conflict with it. Or perhaps he did have a conflict and chose the subjective over the objective. There are many possible variables. The real-life statistics, however, show an unbelievable amount of divorces (in spite of the fact that people prefer to hide the truth)... Do you think that all of them got married thinking and feeling differently than you?

Of course, there are many happy marriages. I just brought up this issue in order to illustrate the fact that what one feels when getting married (feeling that often serve to cover up real or potential problems) is not (necessarily) a real indication of what one will feel after marriage... After marriage, one is left with the objective reality, without the obscuring haze that the original feelings provided. In order to overcome such a situation, one needs the proper tools in order to achieve a more profound and authentic love. A fish and a bird can live together as long as they are on the surface of the lake, without manifesting their differences. The moment a situation arises in which they respond according to their respective irrepressible natures, everything changes... Being married and sharing children is more than a simple friendship

I am sure that you must have many things to say... and I anxiously await your reply.

There is much more to say, but I think that for today it is enough....

A hug

Gershon


go to: previous page [page 1 (1-7)] [page 2 (8-18)] [page 3 (19-26)]
[page 4 (27-33)] page 5 (34-35) [page 6 (36-42)] next page