At first I thought that everybody knows what physics has to say: That the world is made of atoms. Neat little arrangements of little balls in the center with tiny beads zipping around them. Right?

Wrong. I checked with Rocket Science International™. Who would know better about what is reality, I thought. They gave me the full scoop in a secure, video-conference call:

Me:
Hi, can you guys give me the full scoop on atoms?

RSI:
Vhat kind atoms you need?

Me:
Actually, I just want to know what they are.

RSI:
Look, I got great deal on atomic varhead. Just smuggled now from Kazakhstan. Two Russian generals. Zey want $250,000 u.s.d.. Cheap. Zen I got French reactor...

Me:
No, I mean what's the atom made of?

RSI:
You asking me top secrets you asking. Vhy you need to know zis stuff? Look, it vorks, guaranteed. Okay, you vant buy top secrets, you give me another $50,000 — cash on ze dash.

Me:
Well, I don't have 50k, but maybe we can work out...

RSI:
Okay, you in luck. Today ve make special. You get ze whole package $128.56. You can do installments...

Me:
What about just the information? Do you have someone there who can tell me what an atom is?

RSI:
Listen, comrade, nobody knows vhat is ze atom vhat. But it vorks, sings go boom, so vhat do ve care?

Me:
But isn't an atom something like the solar system, with beady little electrons orbiting around a clump of protons and stuff? You know, Niels Bohr, 1923?

RSI:
Haha! You Americanishe brainwash pseudo-intellectuals make me laugh! Zat's vat zey teach you in your medieval, inferior chai schools! You still believe zat cute drawing like zat and all zat stuff! Zey tossed all zat in ze vaste-paper basket vhen de Broglie did scientific experiments and showed electrons are vaves — zat vas 1927! And in Russian textbooks, Vodlinsky did it in 1926, but zey wrote zat only later. Vhat you doing here in ze 21st century?

Me:
So an atom is a wave?

RSI:
Every sing is vaves. Everysing is particles. You no like it, too bad. Zey all blow up big just de same! Hahahaha...

Me:
Hold on. I thought everything is made of matter. Beady little balls of matter flying around and bouncing off each other. Like billiard balls in three dimensions.

RSI:
Matter? Vhat is matter?

Me:
Well now I don't know. What is matter?

RSI:
No sing ze matter.

Me:
Nothing?

RSI:
No sing. Ve meet at restaurant. You bring attaché case vhit twenty dollar bills...

Me:
No! I mean "matter"! Define matter.

RSI:
Matter ze is concentrated energy. Ve release energy to get boom. Zis is simple relativity seory.

Me:
So what is energy?

RSI:
Energy is sings vhat happen to matter.

Me:
You're going in circles!

RSI:
I vill give you example. Put your hand down on ze table. Now sell me: Your hand stops or your hand goes srew ze table?

Me:
Stops.

RSI:
Vhy?

Me:
Atoms in table hit atoms in my hand, I guess.

RSI:
Krazy amerikanishe klopheaded hamburger! Ze atoms zey are so far apart, ze table is 99.999% empty space!

Me:
So why can't my hand go right through it?

RSI:
Zat is because ze electromagnetic field vhat ze organize ze atoms from ze table, ze conflicts vit ze electromagnetic field vhat ze organize ze atoms from your hand.

Me:
But what is an electromagnetic field?

RSI:
An electromagnetic field is ze rules vhat ze particles from ze atom must to follow. Zey know: Zis many protons, only zis many electrons. No more electrons can come here. According vit zis, zey say, your hand is not allowed here. And zat is all vhat is matter!

Me:
You have a picture or something of this atom?

RSI:
You americanishe tv tube addicts alvays stuck on pikturs. You no see it, it not zere. I tell you, since Niels Bohr, nobody draws atoms no more. Ve make matrix.

Me:
Matrix?

RSI:
Okay, I explain ze matrix. Ve do also ze public service education stuff. Now vhit regular stuff, vhat you see all around you, you don't need a matrix. You can say, "Zis is here now and it is moving like zis speed so fast." Simple. So you can say "velocity x position" and zat vill equal "position x velocity." Like zis:

velocity x position = position x velocity

But mit ze electrons and also ze ozer subatomic particles, you can't not say zat. Eiser you say exactly vhat is zer location or you can say vhat is zer velocity. But to say both, zis you cannot do. So:

velocity x position ≠ position x velocity

So for zis you need a matrix. To make crazy matematics like zis.

Me:
You mean, these electrons are so small, we cannot measure both their speed and where they are accurately at the same time?

RSI:
No no no! You merikanishe hot dog bun head vit no meat inside! Zat is not ze idea! Ve can measure very good with finest Russian accelerators. Now for sale real cheap. But vhat I'm telling you, zat ze electron, ze does not have zis property.

Me:
Vhich, I mean which property?

RSI:
Zis property of ze having a discrete position vit a discrete velocity, both of zem at ze same time! Ze electron is not like your car, vat ze has a place and a speed and ze cop will catch you for zat. Ze electron, ze cop vill never catch him! Because or he is not exactly in zis place where he is, or he is not moving at a speed vhat ze cop can figure out vhat is ze speed!

Me:
My car, I sort of know what that is. I don't get what this electron is. Is it a bead? A cloud? A liquid?

RSI:
Nobody knows vhat's zis electron, vhat's zis proton, vhat's no sing. All ve know is some sing, we donno vhat, is doing vhat ve donno vhat its doing. And ve know how many from zem is doing it and how many particles zey got. And how many from ze particles vill leave vhen — but we can't tell you vhich one vhen.

Me:
Okay, no diagram. But at least you can give me an analogy?

RSI:
In all ze physical vorld zer is no analogy for ze atom. Like one great Russian professor, Richard Feynmanovsky I sink he vas, he said, "Ze Atom is Nature as she really is: Krazy Nuts."

Okay, I explain to you ze vave and particle sing just like Feynmanovsky explain zis sing. Okay, look on your screen. Vat do you see?

Me:
I see waves. They go through a hole. Then they're hitting a wall.

RSI:
And vat is ze vall doing?

Me:
The wave is leaving its mark on the wall. Bigger in the middle, lower to the sides.

RSI:
Zakly! Now look again.

Me:
I see missiles, also going through a hole. Also hitting a wall. And the wall also gets a mark on every hit. Most of the missiles are hitting in the middle. Some to the sides.

RSI:
So the vall?

Me:
The wall is recording the hits just like it did the waves. Bigger in the middle, lower towards the sides.

RSI:
Okay. So now I make ze vaves or ze missiles not to be visible. Look on ze vall. Is ziss vaves? Or missiles hitting ze vall?

Me:
Um. No clue.

RSI:
Zakly! No clue. So now ve do zis.

Me:
You just put two holes instead of one for them to go through. And now there is a pattern of marks that appear on the wall.

RSI:
That we call an interference pattern. Because zis comes only from interference of two sets of vaves! Like zis:

Me:
Great! So now we have a way to determine whether electrons are particles or waves!

RSI:
Zakly!

Me:
Zack who?

RSI:
Zakly we can prove!

Me:
And what exactly did Zack Lee prove?

RSI:
We prove zat ze electron is zakly both!

Me:
Huh?

RSI:
Ve prove zat if zer is no observer of ze electron going through the holes, zen ze is a vave —- and ze make ze interference pattern! But if ve vill observe, like for instance ve put a little light bulb, for instance, to tell us of every time ze electron vill go through, zen ze is a particle!

Me:
That's ridiculous!

RSI:
Oh! Now I see you are understanding!

Me:
But why should electrons change from waves to particles by us watching them? They get stage fright or something?

RSI:
Ridiculous, but not so ridiculous. You see, vat is zis vave? Zis vave, as Max Born said, is not ze vave vhat you sink is a vave. Zis vave is really a set from probabilities. Probabilities of ver you vill find ze electron. Ze electron, like I said, ze has no exact place. Ze is here and ze is a little here also and no so much here, but ze is more here...

Me:
Your sounding just like that angel describing how things are in his world.

RSI:
So vit ze vave vhat ze goes through ze holes, zat is simply ze electron going through two places at once! Simple.

Me:
I get it! So when we are observing, our minds can't do that! Our minds can only see one thing or the other. Like that angel showed me with the two pictures.

RSI:
Zis is not some crazy idea vas is in ze brain. Zis is stuff from vat ve make lasers, superconductors, MRI, television sets, sis stupid video conference sing, nuclear varheads... zis is real stuff.

Me:
But all the real stuff I know, it sits in a certain place at a certain time and moves at a certain speed. That's what makes it physical stuff and not... I don't know what.

RSI:
Yes! Now you are getting it! Ze atom stuff is zat "I don't know vhat" stuff! Vhy? Kuz ze atom is not stuff. Nuclear varheads are stuff. Atom is mathematics. Atom is mind.

Me:
Atoms are what? But how can a physical nuclear warhead be made out of mind?

My conversation was abruptly cut short when the CIA burst into my villa and began intense interrogation. I was never able to make contact with RSI again. But I was beginning to understand what that angel had said, that our world is "distinct, discrete events and even discrete objects." I was beginning to realize how weird it is that all this discreteness is made up of particle/waves that can't be -— to use the angel's terminology — resolved.

So I kept up my research. Here's a little conversation I dug up that tells it all -— almost. Phone call from Copenhagen to Berlin, 1926...