“Letters to the Rebbe,” explains Rabbi Yisrael Deren, “are not always answered on paper.” To illustrate his point, Rabbi Deren tells the following story.

When he moved to Stamford to open the regional office of Lubavitch, he noticed that a men’s mikveh was being built in the city, and was curious as to whose initiative this was. He was told that it was being built by an Israeli who was not well known in the Jewish community.

Shortly thereafter, he received a fax from Mr. Dov Parshan, who had been vacationing in Miami. Mr. Parshan reported that he had met an Israeli who was living in Stamford and was interested in advancing his Jewish involvement.

Shortly afterwards, Rabbi Deren received a call from a woman who wanted to register her child in his pre-school. As they were talking, the woman mentioned that her husband was Israeli and that they had just returned from a vacation in Miami. She was amazed when Rabbi Deren addressed her by name and conveyed regards from Mr. Parshan!

The woman had not realized Rabbi Deren was associated with Lubavitch; she had heard about the high educational standards of his school, and that was what had attracted her attention. When he explained that he was the local Lubavitch representative, she told him that her husband would like to speak to him.

Rabbi Deren was agreeable, and shortly afterwards, the husband called. He said he wanted to speak to Rabbi Deren at length, and so they arranged an appointment for eight that evening. Rabbi Deren was puzzled when the man said he would see him at eight, and that his wife would come over at nine.

As soon as the man began to speak, Rabbi Deren understood why he and his wife were coming separately; there was a certain distance between them.

The husband began to tell his story. He used to live in Queens, and operated a business there. Each Friday, students from the Central Lubavitch yeshivah would come by to put on tefillin with him. He was not receptive at first, but the students’ friendliness gradually won him over, and he began to look forward to their visits. Once, a few weeks passed without them stopping by, and he realized that he genuinely missed them.

One mitzvah led to another, and slowly but surely, he began to advance in Jewish practice. He purchased his own tefillin, began observing Shabbos, and started eating kosher.

His wife, however, was less than interested. When they moved to Connecticut, their differences had been aggravated. The husband wanted to identify with the more observant community. He was also anxious to take other steps which reflected his increased commitment, but his wife, by contrast, wanted the status quo.

Rabbi Deren tried to smooth things out, talking to them until 3 a.m.. He was able to convince the husband to relax the pressure on his wife. “It took time before you reached this level of commitment,” Rabbi Deren reminded him. “Give your wife a chance to do the same. Let her Jewish involvement grow at her own pace.”

And he explained to the wife the need to respect her husband’s spiritual development. Even if she did not share his interest in Jewish practice, she should at least show appreciation for his efforts to advance himself spiritually.

Their discussion took place Tuesday night. On Wednesday, the Israeli called and reported that the domestic friction had not abated. On Thursday, he came to Rabbi Deren’s office and poured his heart out in frustration.

Rabbi Deren did not know what more to do; he had said everything he had to say. He had only one suggestion: write to the Rebbe.

The man composed a letter to the Rebbe and Rabbi Deren faxed it to the Rebbe’s office. That weekend, Rabbi Deren had to attend a Bar-Mitzvah in England, so he hurried off to the airport.

On Sunday, Rabbi Deren called his wife, and she told him that it was imperative for him to call the Israeli; the man had called several times with urgent messages.

So Rabbi Deren called him from England, and was surprised by his happy tone. His wife had begun to show a positive interest in Jewish practice!

What had happened? That Thursday night, the couple had gone to a vegetarian restaurant with several non-Jewish friends. There they were joined by a non-Jew who worked as a butler for a Jewish multi-millionaire. The table talk turned to religious observance, and the butler explained how his employer, the magnate, put on a tallis and tefillin , and prayed every day.

The Israeli’s wife was shocked. She had always made fun of her husband’s tefillin , and now she was hearing a gentile speak of the practice with a respect that bordered on reverence. And the idea that a contemporary multi-millionaire was steadfast in his Jewish observance was also an eye opener; so religious practice wasn’t only for the ghetto!

That Friday, the man lit Shabbos candles. Shortly afterwards, he heard his wife pull up in the driveway. Was it too late? she wanted to know, could she still light the candles?

And as they talked over Shabbos , she showed a new-found respect for her husband’s Jewish practice. Thursday afternoon, the letter had been sent to the Rebbe, and Thursday night, her attitude had begun to change.