I glanced at the teacher in front. Referred to as ‘rebbetzin,’ she had her hair covered by a blue floral scarf, legs covered by a long cotton skirt and elbows covered by sleeves rolled to just below that part of her arm. She looked to be in her early 30s, and her long, Bohemian skirt was similar to the ones I wore in California sometimes. If it weren’t for all the G‑d talk, I could imagine hanging out at a coffee shop with her back home.

IMy ears perked up tuned into what she was saying. Today, she wasn’t discussing codes; she was talking about dating the Torah way. My ears perked up.

“And so, there’s no touching while the couple dates, no hand-holding, no hugs. This is out of respect and honor for each other’s bodies. The dating period doesn’t last that long; that would be physically and emotionally difficult for the couple. And they’re not dating for fun. It wouldn’t be much fun to date and not touch, would it?” The rebbetzin opened her palms to us. “They’re dating to determine whether they want to marry and spend the rest of their lives together.” I leaned forward and placed my bare elbows on the table, eyes glued on the rebbetzin.

“They’re dating for the sole purpose of seeing if they want to build a home together. Physical intimacy is a very holy act in Judaism, and it’s not supposed to only involve the body. There’s a very strong emotional and spiritual aspect as well. And with the heart and soul involved by way of a structured commitment in the form of marriage, the couple unites on all levels.”

“But hand-holding and hugging aren’t really intimate,” said a woman sitting behind me.

The rebbetzin took a few steps forward. “Oh, but they are. When one is sensitized to the physicality of the body, then there is a natural attraction between men and women. Touching, even a handshake, can feel arousing.” She paused. An astonished silence filled the room.

“In fact, even when a couple is married, there are about two weeks during the month when they don’t touch or even pass things to each other. They sleep in separate beds. Orthodox Jewish homes have two beds in the master bedroom just for this reason.”

My mouth fell open.

A woman from the other side of the room called out, “You mean not being together, like … together together?” I realized that we were all being a bit careful with our language in the presence of a religious person.

The teacher replied with an understanding smile, “Yup, that means not being ‘together together’—no touching whatsoever.”

I had to make sure I was understanding this. “Are you serious? You mean even when the couple is married, they purposely aren’t together or even hug, kiss or anything for weeks?”

“Yes,” she replied. “It’s the secret of the Jewish marriage. It keeps the flame of attraction alive. One of the reasons the sages give for why G‑d put these marriage laws in the Torah is to keep the couple desiring each other instead of taking each other’s bodies for granted. Once a month, the wife goes to a special body of water called a mikvah, and immerses herself in order to reunite with her husband, body and soul. It’s like a built-in marriage honeymoon for the couple.”

I shut my mouth. Wow. No wonder religious Jews believed that G‑d wrote the Torah; there’s no way a man would have written these kinds of rules. I knew that in Christianity, there are monks and nuns who commit to celibacy. But in Judaism, men and women were dating and marrying, yet abstaining during certain times. Huh. Maybe there was a G‑d who came up with these strange laws. Certainly, none of the guys I knew would have come up with no touching while dating and marrying.

“Look around, ladies,” the rebbetzin continued. “Don’t you see the divorce rate in the secular world skyrocketing? In the Torah world, divorce happens, but is more rare, and adhering to these laws of separation and reunification within the marriage helps keep those rates down. G‑d created human beings to want what they can’t have. The couple remains wanting each other because for a few weeks during the month, they can’t have each other. These marriage laws are a built-in system of the natural ebb and flow of desire and attraction. The couple yearns to touch each other during those ‘forbidden’ weeks, desire builds, and then, voilà! They get to reunite in physical, emotional and spiritual intimacy, all in one, until they separate again a few weeks later.”

TheI had stopped listening rebbetzin continued, but I had stopped listening. A trip down memory lane brought me to all the pain I had had when David and I broke up after college. In the secular way of life, it made sense to David not to be “tied down” to me as a girlfriend back home while he studied abroad. But I had been terribly hurt, and had wasted so much time and energy trying to get over him and move my heart on.

The rebbetzin had introduced a whole new way of explaining things—a different perspective on men, women, relationships, intimacy, dating and marriage. A paradigm shift that sounded odd, restrictive and a bit crazy, but maybe a bit easier on the heart and emotions. Dating only for the purpose of marriage? Maybe it lessened that confusion of, “Where is this relationship going? What do we mean to each other?”

And from where I sat—having found myself on a journey to heal the past year’s heartache and muck of an open-ended relationship—dating the way the rebbetzin proposed suddenly sounded like a great idea.