A friend of mine says she is in no rush to get married, but feels pressured to “get out there” lest she miss out on her soulmate. I say that if it is meant to happen, it will. Who is right? Can your soulmate be “stolen” if you don’t act in haste?


It is most certainly possible to miss out on your soulmate.

The Talmud discusses certain times of the year when Jewish law does not allow weddings to take place. One of them is during a festival, like Pesach, as we do not want one celebration to overshadow the other.

However, the Talmud says that while you can’t perform a wedding during a festival, you can make a shidduch—a match between prospective mates. The reasoning the Talmud gives is that while a wedding can wait until after the festival, if you delay making a match, someone else may beat you to your soulmate.

But how can one find a soulmate destined for someone else?

Through raising one’s soul to a higher level.

If you work on yourself, improve your character and refine yourself to a new spiritual plane, then your soulmate changes. A new, improved soul gets a new, improved soulmate.

And who will be that new soulmate? Someone whose original soulmate has either fallen to a lower spiritual level and doesn’t deserve that person anymore, or is dithering around, wondering if he or she is ready to get married . . .

Therefore, the two factors that can cause you to lose your soulmate are spiritual decline or lack of real effort. And the two factors that will most help you find your soulmate are self-improvement and determined effort.

Sit around, and nothing will happen. But as long as you are out there, and as long as you are working on yourself, you will find him.

Talmud, Moed Katan 18b; Arizal, Shaar Hagilgulim, Hakdamah 8. For an in-depth discussion of preordained soulmates vs. human choice, please see Marriage: Destiny or Chance.