Throughout this section of the book, we have offered numerous teachings and perspectives of the Rebbe to help guide you through the labyrinth of possibilities toward your own Divine design and the unique purpose that comes with it.

Ultimately, these teachings are merely principles in the abstract. How they are applied and lived, however, is often as complex and multifaceted as the individuals in which they coalesce, and they are further complicated by the dynamic, tumultuous world in which we each live.

For example, what happens when a person has more than one mission, or when one apparent mission comes into conflict with another? What happens if you have a clear indicator that you are the only one suited for a task but lack the natural talent or resources to see it through? Do you spend your precious talents and resources on causes that suit you naturally and easily, or do you invest your time and energy evolving to become the person you need to be to meet a challenge beyond your current capacities?

In previous generations, there were great spiritual masters who would communicate directly from a higher source and direct people to their mission in life. But even then, it was rare to find explicit and clear guidance. In the modern era, when true examples of such guides are fewer and further between, where are we to turn?

The Rebbe addressed these pressing questions by turning to a foundational teaching from the Mishnah that says: “Designate for yourself a mentor, acquire for yourself a friend.”1

In this directive, we are called to seek out two types of objective interlocutors—a mentor and a friend—who can help us find clarity amid the many conundrums and biases that would mislead us, drawing us away from our Divinely designated role in creation.

Chief among the many biases we must avoid with the help of a mentor is our own.

The Rebbe made this point during a private audience with the bureau chief for a national Jewish newspaper, who extolled his periodical, saying: “Our publication is independent and completely objective!”

The Rebbe replied pointedly: “Independent, perhaps—but objective? There is no such thing. It is humanly impossible to be completely objective.

“Every person has a bias of some kind.”2

The Rebbe’s observation emerges from a deeply held understanding that each of us, whether we are aware of it or not, is too often driven by myriad, overlapping layers of self-interest, conflicting desires, and distortions of perception.

This is why the Rebbe insisted that an outside observer is required to help us sift through the dross of our egos and provide a clear and objective perspective.

On a number of occasions, the Rebbe pointed out that this “fact of subjectivity” applies to every human being. He noted that even those with the most refined, admirable character and vast wisdom—for example, Torah giants such as Chatam Sofer and the Vilna Gaon—would turn to other scholars to avoid personal bias in matters of law and character development.3

Noting the inherent dangers and blind spots of our biases, the Rebbe taught that everyone—from laymen to sages—must seek an outside perspective.

“How important, then, it is to have a qualified and objective third party, who will not be ‘bribed by self-interest.’ …[The] Torah says that bribery blinds and distorts one’s perception until he actually believes he has done what is good—to the point that he actually sees evil to be good and good to be evil; he sees sweet to be bitter and bitter to be sweet. Therefore, one must have an objective mentor.”4

Toward this end, in his later years of leadership, the Rebbe introduced a system that encouraged everyone to choose a spiritual mentor for themselves called a mashpia, who would serve as an independent, objective guide for life. More than just a source of objectivity, the Rebbe taught that when we designate a mentor for ourselves according to the Torah-based instruction of the Mishnah, our chosen guide becomes an extension of the Torah’s living influence and a personalized channel for Divine guidance.

During a talk he gave on Shabbat Lech Lecha 5746 (1985), the Rebbe elaborated on the need for a mashpia.

“...[One] might argue: [In the effort to make this world more G‑dly,] there are so many things that require dedication that it becomes completely confusing, and I don’t know where to begin! And since this is the case, one doesn’t need to do anything!



“We say to this person regarding that line of thought: ...[Here] is some simple advice—go to someone wiser than you, present him your question, and he will instruct you what to do.



“In this neighborhood there is a rabbi who is the local authority. Approach him and ask him! It follows from what you already do, and it is merely a case of ‘all the more so.’ For when a dairy spoon falls into a meat pot, you go and ask the rabbi a question, even though you could simply use another spoon and another pot. If so, then when you have a question about your service of G‑d this day or this moment, something so urgent it is impossible to delay, since if you do not do what you must today, a day goes to waste, because, ‘Every day (and similarly every second of the day itself) requires its work,’ then how much the more do you have to ask a rabbi a question about this matter!”5 6

Character Is Key

All that being said, finding the right mentor is not always an easy task. In fact, the Rebbe notes that the Mishnah uses the term asei, make, which implies that this endeavor sometimes requires effort and perhaps even struggle. That is to say, even if you think you cannot find a guide more qualified than yourself, make every effort to find one, nonetheless. Don’t wait for the perfect mentor to arrive, because you are not seeking a flawless guide but a clarifying perspective untainted by personal bias.

Toward that end, the Rebbe recommended avoiding people who are prone to envy, rivalry, and other corruptions of perspective that can potentially convolute their advice and inspiration.

Furthermore, the Rebbe offered several positive qualities one should seek in a mentor or guide:

“...[They should be] modest, compassionate, kind, and giving…Such things cannot be hidden. One must be able to see openly how his mentor lives his life. If he is clearly modest, compassionate, and kind in his public conduct, these are the indicators that he is, in fact, a mentor…with all the requisite, sublime qualities.”7

Here, beyond mere charisma or erudition, the Rebbe emphasizes the critical importance of good character in the role of the mentor. Humility, compassion, kindness, and generosity—these virtues are signs that a chosen guide is well-suited to the task of acting as a conduit for G‑d’s Divine instruction, which is the role that every mashpia inhabits by definition.

Additionally, as the following story illustrates, a mashpia, according to the Rebbe, is one who is capable of putting their own ego and interests aside when advising others.

During a private audience with the Rebbe, R. Herbert Weiner, author of Nine and a Half Mystics, once asked candidly, “How do you assume responsibility for the advice you give people on all matters, business and medical included?”

The Rebbe replied, “When a person comes to me with a problem, this is how I try to help him. A man knows his own problem best, so one must try to unite with him and become batel, as disassociated as possible from one’s own ego. Then, in concert with the other person, one tries to understand the principle of Divine Providence in his particular case.”8

Friendly Advice

Returning to the words of the Mishnah, we are also bidden to “acquire for ourselves a friend” who can be an existential mirror and provide spiritual insight and support based on their intimate knowledge of our personality and lives.

Like others who are placed in your path by Divine Providence to help you identify and actualize your Divine design, a true friend is an invaluable and precious resource to consult as you negotiate the complexities of your individual purpose.

The Rebbe emphasizes this point in a letter to Pinchas Joseph Saffran, who once reached out to the Rebbe to ask for help discerning his life’s purpose. The Rebbe replied:

“I received your letter, in which you ask what is your mission in life.



“…Since one should not rely on his own judgment, it would be well for you to discuss the matter with your own teachers at the yeshivah, and they will give you further guidance.



“…it would also be well for you to discuss the matter with your friends, to whom you could explain the problems in detail, and they could give you some helpful advice.”9

As guides, friends may even have an advantage over a traditional mentor.

Where a mentor is generally senior in age and acquired wisdom, as well as typically more removed from the intimate context of your daily life, a friend is deeply familiar with your quirks, circumstances, personality, and history. A friend knows you exactly as you are and can advise you in a manner that is informed by your actual self in addition to your aspirational self.

Even if your friend isn’t a scholar or a sage, their providential bond, selfless care, and heartfelt connection to you makes them a precious guide. And like a mashpia, the Rebbe taught that the definition of a true friend is one who puts your interests and well-being above their own when offering support and advice, as emphasized in the following story:

A man once bluntly asked: “Rebbe, what exactly do you do? And why are you admired by so many?”

“I try to be a good friend,” the Rebbe replied.

Incredulous, the man blurted out, “A friend? That’s all you do?!”

Unfazed, the Rebbe responded with a question of his own: “How many friends do you have?”

“I have many.”

“Let me define a friend for you, and then tell me how many friends you have.

“A friend is someone in whose presence you can think aloud without worrying about being taken advantage of. A friend is someone who suffers with you when you are in pain and rejoices in your joy. A friend is someone who looks out for you and always has your best interests in mind. In fact, a true friend is like an extension of yourself.”

The Rebbe then asked with a smile, “Now, how many friends like that do you have?”10

Providential Emissaries

The extent to which the Rebbe emphasized the importance of true friends as providential emissaries sent to deliver the love and instruction of the Divine can be seen in the following story.

After getting married in 1965, R. Mayer Plotkin and his wife were deeply inspired to leave their home in Montreal to become emissaries of the Rebbe. Opportunities emerged for them to take positions in Detroit, California, or Florida, but before accepting, the eager rabbi wrote to the Rebbe seeking his blessing and counsel. The Rebbe replied simply that he should “consult with friends,” and he did not offer his blessing for the couple to take up a post in any of the proposed locations. For their part, taking into account Mayer’s personality and skills, his friends had repeatedly advised him to go into business.

Maintaining the conviction that becoming an emissary was part of his life’s purpose, Mayer wrote several more letters to the Rebbe, insisting that, contrary to the advice of his friends, he wanted to go on shlichut. Time and again, he received the same reply—consult your friends. After writing what would be his final letter on this topic, explaining that he suspected that, despite his constant deferment, the Rebbe really did want him to become an emissary. The Rebbe responded:

“Where did you get that idea from? Haven’t I already written, once, twice, three times that you should consult with friends? Stop sending letters here, because I am not going to answer. Make a decision straight away based on the advice of your friends, and may G‑d grant you success.”11

Here we see how seriously the Rebbe took the notion that one’s mentor and friends are instruments of Divine guidance, even if the advice guided a student toward a life in business rather than one devoted exclusively to spiritual outreach, which was the Rebbe’s primary passion.

The Sage Within

In addition to the importance of enlisting a mentor and/or friend, when we find ourselves at a crossroads in life, the Rebbe would also encourage people to spend time alone with themselves,12 in reflection and introspection, in the deep-seated belief that we have untapped reservoirs of inner wisdom, which should be included in any consequential conversation relating to our life’s mission.

In fact, the Rebbe cautioned strongly against using one’s teacher or mashpia to bypass the essential toil of figuring things out for oneself. The Rebbe reminded often that G‑d gives each person the power to find the solution to his questions and doubts; they just need to put in the requisite work. As our Sages teach: “If you toil, you will succeed.”13

Some years after moving with his family to Maryland to pursue a career in psychology, R. Tzvi Hirsh Weinreb found himself at a challenging crossroad in life and decided to call the Rebbe for guidance.

The Rebbe’s secretary answered the phone and asked the caller to identify himself.

Not wanting to disclose his name due to the sensitive nature of his questions, R. Weinreb replied only, “A Jew from Maryland.”

He went on to outline the questions for which he wanted the Rebbe’s guidance—uncertainties regarding his life, career, and faith.

Suddenly, R. Weinreb heard the Rebbe’s voice in the background: “Tell him there’s a Jew in Maryland with whom he can speak. His name is Weinreb.”

The secretary repeated the Rebbe’s words. “Yes,” he exclaimed to the secretary, “but...my name is Weinreb!”

R. Weinreb then heard the Rebbe saying gently: “If that’s the case, he should know that sometimes one needs to speak to himself.”14

Ultimately, when we embrace the role of mentorship and friendship in our lives, predicated on the Torah-based exhortation to do so, we open ourselves up to a providential and personalized conduit for Divine instruction. In this way, our mentor or friend becomes a touchpoint in our ongoing, unfolding conversation with G‑d, Who speaks to us through the guides He places in our lives for this very purpose.

Quiz Yourself

Do the Thought Exercise

Think about the qualities the Rebbe identified as important for a mentor, teacher, or friend. Do you have people in your life who embody those qualities? Could you be that person for someone else?

Take the Challenge

Write down 2-3 people you identified as a potential mashpia (mentor) in the previous exercise. What one next step can you take towards developing that relationship?