Question

I have often heard it said that we choose our parents. Does Judaism believe that before the soul comes down, we are given a choice about who we are born to? Not sure what I was thinking when I chose mine.

Answer

It’s clever to tell somebody that they chose their parents. We often credit our parents for who we are and blame them for our problems. To flip this on us and say that we actually chose those parents shifts responsibility back on us.

But it’s not a Jewish idea. On the contrary, Judaism teaches that G‑d chooses who our parents are, where we are born, and when. You can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your parents.

And yet, there is an authentic Jewish teaching1 that says something even more powerful. Indeed, G‑d chooses the details of our life, not we. But our soul agrees to those details. We are shown before we come down into this world what our destiny will be, what our challenges will be, how we will be born and how our life will end.

Like a paratrooper, we are made aware of the risks, told our mission, and given what we need to fulfil it. We nod. Then we jump.

Our soul’s acceptance does not excuse anyone who harms us, nor make us responsible for their choices. It means that before entering this world, our soul knew it had the strength to survive what others might choose to do.

But still, why would anyone agree to go through pain? Because up there, before we came down into this world, we could see the purpose, the meaning, the reasons behind the challenges.

Your soul was shown: this is your family, with all its complexities. These are your weaknesses. These are your victories. These are your dark moments. And this is the reason why.

The soul sees the big picture, and it all makes sense. That’s why we agree to it. But then we are born and forget it all. That’s why things don't make sense. But somewhere deep down we know life has meaning, even when we can’t see it.

We didn’t choose it. We were chosen.