Mother’s Day

Dear Rachel,

I have a very strained relationship with my mother and I always have. Perhaps it is that we are so different, or maybe that we are so similar, but we are rarely able to spend time together without us both blowing up. I do love my mother but I have a hard time being around her. For Mother's Day I wanted to do something special, but I am worried if we spend the day together as she requested, that instead we will end up fighting. I certainly don't want to ruin the day for her by fighting, but if I cancel she will also be upset. What do you suggest?

Worried Daughter

Dear Worried Daughter,

Sometimes the closer you are to someone the harder it can be to get along I don't think a mother/daughter relationship exists which doesn't have some kind of strain or challenge. If we are fortunate, we have a loving and warm relationship with our mothers. Yet even then, sometimes the closer you are to someone the harder it can be to get along. You write that you have always had a strained relationship, which makes things even more difficult.

So now your dilemma: if you keep your plans and spend the day together you are worried that you will end up fighting. If you cancel your plans, you are worried that you will hurt her feelings. I think that canceling will definitely cause a tremendous amount of pain to her. If you hadn't made plans to start with, that would be one thing, but being that you have already made plans to spend the day together, we need to figure out a way you can do so and not fight.

For starters, two people can only fight if both people allow themselves to do so. Here is a great opportunity for you to exercise incredible self control and work with yourself not to get upset. Chassidic philosophy teaches us that the mind is able to rule over the heart (moach shalet al halev). There is no question that emotions can run high and you may want to scream or cry, but your mind knows better. Intellectually, rationally, you know that you love your mother. You know that you are spending the day with her to honor her and to thank her for being your mother and for the life that she has given you. That is a pretty tremendous gift, and one that you should be grateful for. Focus on that. Focus on your love for her and how fortunate you are to have your mother in your life. And let your mind run the show. When you feel that you are getting annoyed or upset or that you are losing patience, tell your heart to cool off and let your head lead the way. For one day, you can keep yourself collected regardless of how frustrating the circumstances may be.

Emotions can run high and you may want to scream or cry, but your mind knows better And secondly, plan your day in a way that will minimize stress. You know what makes you tick and you know what makes your mother tick. Plan the day around what she will enjoy but try to eliminate things that you know will drive you crazy. If your mother loves shopping, but you want to pull out your hairs because she is indecisive and tries on a million things, don't go shopping! Or maybe give her a gift certificate to a store that she can use at another time. Come up with plans that you both enjoy, and maybe include things that you can do together which don't require you to always be speaking. Perhaps find a museum that you would both enjoy walking around, or take a drive to the beach where you can sit and relax and each read a book. Do not pick her favorite restaurant if it will be mobbed on Mother's Day and you know your mom gets anxious when the service is bad. Think through the places and situations that would be enjoyable to you both, and the least stressful. And perhaps start the day with a bouquet of flowers or her favorite chocolate. Everyone loves gifts and having one delivered that morning would be a nice surprise, and a great way to start off the day.

So before your day with your mom, do some soul searching to keep your emotions in check, and do some planning to come up with the best way of spending your time together. And remember the most important things: she is your mother. You love her, and no matter how frustrated you might get, you must respect her. Enjoy your day together!

Rachel

Answered by Sara Esther Crispe

"Dear Rachel" is a column that is answered by a rotating group of experts. This question was answered by Sara Esther Crispe.

Sara Esther Crispe, a writer, inspirational speaker and mother of four, is the Co-Director of Interinclusion, a non-profit multi-layered educational initiative celebrating the convergence between contemporary arts and sciences and timeless Jewish wisdom. Prior to that she was the editor of TheJewishWoman.org and wrote the popular weekly blog, Musing for Meaning. To book Sara Esther for a speaking engagement, please click here.

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9 Comments

Barbara alabama January 26, 2014

mother day My mom was a covert narcissist and can manipulate and control every relationship she comes into contact with. My mother was never a mother to me but my two older brothers were golden. I was always blamed for everything and she would belittle and backstab me in a heartbeat. She never could be bothered to show up for my school events , brush my hair, teach me how to self care, never came to my wedding, birth of my daughter. She destroyed my relationship with my dad with her jealousy. She shut me out of any family functions, lying and distorting the truth. I always felt so cheated and the hurt is so deep. When I was 50 she shut me out of my dads sudden sickness and death and funeral. I have not spoken to her in 8 years now and it took my dads death and the hurt and humiliations of being shut out of his funeral to be able to break free. I will never speak to her again and will not go to her funeral. It took having my own daughter to realize that I could never ever hurt my baby , ever. Reply

Margo Grace California May 7, 2013

Mom the person I feel very blessed that I have learned who my mother is as a person, and not just as MOM and a parent. For many years my mother and I were far from each other. We fought and had long periods of silence. But then, twice in this century, Mom has let me come home, and she has helped put me back together. In the process I have found the woman she is. All of her hurts, and strengths, and beauty. I am so blessed to have had this opportunity. Reply

catherine ny May 6, 2013

follow up God does work in mysterious ways. I recently found out from my mother that she was molested as a child perhaps more than once. It was shocking to here and very sad but it explains all of her behaviour over my life time with her.. she is aware but refuses to see how it affected her life. She has narcissistic personality disorder created by the early childhood trauma. I have had a deeper understanding of how she must have suffered and still does through a haze of not wanted to see it all. I have been the recipient of her projection of her self hatred. So therefore I pray for her everyday but have low contact because she really hates me and its not healthy for me to be too close Reply

Anonymous Brooklyn, NY May 6, 2013

Mothers No relationship is perfect. Yet, no matter how difficult your relationship with your mother might be, do not waste precious years at odds with one another. My mother passed away four years ago, and while we did not always get along, I wish I could have just one more Mother's Day with her. Reply

Anonymous milwaukee, wi May 10, 2011

Crazy mothers Some people are mentally imbalanced. Just like you can't cure her if she had cancer, you can't cure her brain! I've lived thru 56 years of physical, mental and emotional abuse from my 83 age mother. Best idea---stay away. Then she might realize how horrible she has acted---that she was abanondond by her child. G-d help you. Reply

Sandra Kelman WHNP-BC, MSN scottsdale , AZ. May 10, 2011

from a mother (healthcare provider) point of view It is well documented that the daughter/mother relationship will be stressed at times of life when the daughter is transcending into her sense of self. She needs to pull away in her own way, of the child role in order to grow up. Hopefully her mother understands that this uneasiness is part of self development and does not take it personally. Unless a mother has been abusive or abandoned the relationship in earlier years-the daughter will return and develop a respected relationship. If the mother cannot accept her daughters adulthood-that is hard and may require some counseling for the mother. Family is a gift-given by g-d to develop within. Reply

C. Cronin NY, NY January 12, 2011

moms its really not necessary to discuss all the things that were problems when your mom was younger. it really was her life of trials and problems. If you were affected by them, then you will have to somehow come to grips with it. Remember, your life, just like your moms, will always be filled with trials and your goal in life is to ask yourself,"what is G-d trying to teach me here" Everyone in your life is there to teach you about yourself. Its really not about them, its about you. It is hard for me to deal with too. But I cannot change my mom. We have had discussions, believe me, all thoughout our lives, but in the end she still sees things her way. Its OK I cannot judge her because I was not alive when she was little, or teen, or young adult.I can't really judge her. I can only see my life now. It involves helping her and not getting involved in her internal world. Its not eaay. But I take it slowly. Most of the time I am able to just let it go and not argue. Reply

Lisa Providence, RI January 9, 2011

Mother's Day I had a strained relationship with my mother, too, but I tried not to set her off. It wasn't easy, because her moods were so unpredictable.

Did you and your mother ever try to solve the problems in your relationship? Some mothers refuse to see things their children's way even once in a while!

It's possible both of you have bad resentments that were never aired. You need to ask your mother about it and see what can be done. Reply

catherine ny, usa May 5, 2009

mom I think it normal for us to have sometimes strained relationships with moms. To me it would be unbearable to let go when they die. I realize my mother couldn't be everything I needed as a child, but I have forgiven her a long time ago. mostly because she just couldn't help herself, because she was clinically depressed. (only during times of stress etc.). Fortunately, she has lived long enough for us to be friends. I helped her recently when she broke her hip, in the hospital and in rehab. I was there everyday, and I have a family of my own and work too. But I had to do it because, its only right to take care of your own family and i couldn't bear to have others mistreat her. (or any human being). I also helped bury my dad a year ago, and picked out the headstone. All very difficult things, for me, but at the same time studying the Zohar and understanding that all these events enlightned my soul and giving me the opportunity to make me shine, and be closer to G-d. Reply

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