Dear Rachel,

For some reason, I keep finding myself in difficult situations that I can't seem to get out of. I am the type of person who likes to make the best of everything, but I end up miserable a lot of the time. I have been living with roommates that I really don't get along with, even though we have a really nice apartment. I also have a job I really don't like, even though it pays well. Because nothing is so terrible, I have a hard time justifying that I should change anything. It is hard to find a decent place to live and in today's market, finding a job can be quite difficult. I am trying to take away the bad parts but how can I be happy when I am surrounded by things I don't like?

Stuck

New Hampshire

Dear Stuck,

You are right, nothing you describe sounds terrible or abusive or so destructive that it is a situation that you absolutely must leave for your physical or emotional health. But specifically because of that, you might be putting up with much more than you need to because you feel it is not so bad. And while what you describe is not so bad, it is also not so good. So the question is: how do you find the positive or focus on the positive when there are other things that you aren't so happy with?

Let's assume that you are not going to find new roommates and you are not going to look for a new job. You are right. Especially these days, leaving a housing situation or employment may not be the best course of action. If an opportunity comes along that you can find new options, that is one thing, but for now let's work on the premise that you are going to more or less stay in the situations you are in.

So then if those things aren't changing, what is left to change is you and how you view your situation. There is an example that comes to mind that I hope you will find helpful. It is actually a law that relates to Shabbat. There is the concept that on Shabbat it is forbidden to do borer. Borer is the act of separating, in which you remove the bad from the good. An example would be that you can't pick out a rotten tomato from your salad and throw it out. Now does that mean you are supposed to eat the rotten tomato? Absolutely not. So what are you allowed to do? The rotten tomato has to stay where it is, but you can take all the "good" from the "bad." So you can either eat around the rotten tomato, or you can separate all the rest of the salad away from what is rotten.

Now the difference between the two is very subtle, yet very profound, and is a life lesson for so many situations. Often, when we don't like something, or there is something "bad" in a situation, we focus our energy on trying to get rid of it. But the Torah is teaching us that really it is not the way to handle it. We shouldn't be exerting our energy trying to change something or someone else, but rather, our energy should be focused on what we can handle and change ourselves. Leave the rotten tomato where it is. Don't eat it. Don't even touch it. But take out everything else from around it, take everything that is good, and focus on that.

You write that you keep finding yourself in these situations where things aren't terrible, but there are definitely some rotten tomatoes thrown into an otherwise healthy and hearty salad. Perhaps if you start focusing on all the things you like, all the things that are positive, you will notice that not only do they outweigh the things that you are not happy with, you will therefore not be focused on what you don't like.

You write that you have a really nice apartment and a great paying job. I know you also are not crazy about your roommates or the work that you do, but there is definitely good to be focused on. Don't try to change your roommates, either change your schedule so you are not around them as much, or look for the things you have in common and that you do enjoy doing together. If you are not crazy about your job, focus on how fortunate you are in today's economic situation to have a job that pays you well so you can afford your bills. Within your job, look at what you do enjoy and put your energy in those things. Maybe you will even find that you can work out a situation where you are doing more of what you do like and less of what you don't.

Ultimately, the specifics are not the issue, but the attitude is. We cannot change others, but we can change ourselves and our perspective. You now have a great opportunity to work on this. Put into practice the lesson Shabbat teaches us about the concept of borer and how one may not take the bad from the good. Rather, our job is to take the good from the bad! Much luck and I hope you find the good in all your situations.

Rachel