Today I am announcing my candidacy for president of the United States. It's a little late in the game, but frankly, I got fed up with all those specious claims that this has been a historically diverse election. Sure, we've had a Mormon, a Baptist minister, a Catholic, and various other Christians running for president. We've also had a woman candidate, candidates with poofy, pretty hair, candidates with thinning hair, candidates who were once so poor they lived in their cars (or claimed to) and candidates so rich they could blithely plunk down $40 million of their own money on their campaigns.

But this election will not truly look like America, will not transcend the petty partisan politics of the past, without a Jewish mother candidate. Yes, running for president will complicate my schedule for the next many months, but who better to make sacrifices than a Jewish mother? Therefore, I am throwing my hat into the ring. (Not the really beautiful burnt sienna floral hat – I'm saving that for taking the oath of office.)

I acknowledge that I have several disadvantages as a presidential candidate. For one, my father never worked in a steel mill. Second, I am vertically challenged, and the conventional wisdom is that the tallest candidate usually wins. This means that at this point, I could only beat Dennis Kucinich. Finally, my campaign war chest only has $312.87. But this campaign is about hope and optimism, about people shouting "Yes we can!" Well, I can shout too!

You may ask, what do I stand for? What experience do I have? Here, in brief, are some of my qualifications and policy plans as the nominee of the Maven Party: (Our motto is: "Opinion Over Experience.")

Federal budget: I am better qualified to tame our bloated federal budget than anyone. Other candidates may talk a good game of getting rid of "pork," (you should pardon the expression) but only a president who keeps kosher, and therefore will not serve milk with meat at State Dinners in the White House, can swear to excise anything that oinks from spending bills that cross my desk. Similarly, launching an insurgency candidacy at this stage has saved my campaign at least $120 million. This is exactly the kind of fiscal discipline I will bring to the Oval Office.

Tax policy: I will cut taxes for every income level, and give tax credits for proven charitable donations and Botox treatments in women over forty. Billionaires like Warren Buffet who feel taxes are not high enough will receive pre-printed envelopes with the address of the Internal Revenue Service so they can make voluntary contributions. Be my guest, Warren.

Foreign policy: Don't be fooled by my total lack of government experience. Maybe if Condi Rice or Madeline Albright had raised three boys and one girl very close in age who spent the first dozen years of their lives trying to reenact ancient biblical fraternal feuds, they would have learned a thing or two about political diplomacy. Believe me, if I managed to keep blood from spilling around here, I can do it anywhere.

Health care: Too many Americans lack coverage, I realize, so I will introduce legislation that will require three-quarter-inch sleeves on all new women's and girls' blouses beginning in 2009. This will reduce the incidence of colds and flu, thus reducing needless trips to the doctor. My economic advisors estimate that adding to clothing coverage will reduce overall health care costs by up to $23 billion by 2112. Also, if everyone would just listen to me and eat more green vegetables, we'd all get sick less.

Global Warming: I'm always cold, so I, for one, would welcome this trend.

Education: My plan will require special retraining of U.S. schoolchildren to only use the word "like" when they mean to convey that a) something is similar to something else or b) that they admire or approve of something. Schools that don't help in eradicating this verbal tic among the nation's youth will lose federal funding.

Marriage: I fully support a federal marriage amendment that states that marriage is an institution of one man, one woman, one minivan, children (if possible) and separate checking accounts. This is a safeguard to preserve the harmony of all marriages.

So there you have it, my Maven platform in a nutshell. I am prepared to face hecklers for some of my more controversial positions. But this doesn't scare me – I have teenagers. I am vetted and tested and can repeat the words "Yes we can!" over and over. So I'll see you on the campaign trail, energizing my base and glad handing (at least the women) in pancake houses around the country. Which reminds me: What am I going to eat on the campaign trail?