I look around and can’t help but notice so many losses. Perhaps my own losses as a cancer survivor magnify loss all around me. There is loss in bereavement and the loss of a dream, loss of identity and loss of meaning, loss in a divorce and the loss of a job. Loss of health and loss of confidence. There are so many types, but with most of them we are prone to react in similar ways.

In the Torah portion of Noach, G‑d tells Noah to build an ark so he can be saved from the flood that will destroy the world and its inhabitants. Noah remains in the ark for 40 days and nights, and once the heavy rains subside, he is told by G‑d to “go out of the ark” (Genesis 8:16).

Facing the Loss

Imagine the loss that Noah experiences after the flood: The entire world is destroyed before his eyes. He doesn’t want to face it. Noah needs to be commanded by G‑d to go out and see it.

Much of my experience of loss is entangled with my story of how I had trust in G‑d throughout a cancer diagnosis. Although I had trust for two years, I wasn’t able to hold on and lost my full trust in G‑d. For me, losing my trust in G‑d also entailed losing some of my confidence in myself, as well as losing my identity of being a woman who trusts in G‑d.

How can one face so much loss? It is human nature to try to avoid pain. But part of healing from the pain is to feel it, and the only way out is through.

Accepting the Loss

After being commanded to go out of the ark and face his loss, Noah had to begin processing the loss that surrounded him. In order to function properly, acceptance of the world around him and his new situation was key for his survival.

Part of the struggle of loss is thinking this is not the way it is supposed to be. We believe that things should be different. This thinking only adds to the emotional pain and does not allow for the gradual acceptance of our situation.

Acceptance is an important component of healing. When going through deep feelings of loss and pain, we need faith to hold us up, reminding us that this is the way G‑d wants it to be. Knowing that there is a bigger picture to our losses and that we were directed to this place of loss with purpose, by our Creator, can help alleviate additional emotional pain. Taking self-blame out of the picture and shifting it to G‑d can be helpful in lessening emotional pain.

After I lost my trust in G‑d during my diagnosis, it led me to have anxiety and doubt about my health. It also led me to have a surgery that was avoided for two years, and that in the end was not even necessary and seemed to have been done by mistake. For many months, what played in my mind was: “This was not supposed to be. This was all not meant to happen.” This thinking that was playing over and over in my mind led me to no peace, and to much emotional suffering. With time, I learned to let that thinking fade, and to replace it with thoughts of acceptance and faith. The more I accepted my situation as it was, the more peace of mind I had.

Turning to G‑d

After the flood, Noah prays to G‑d asking where was His mercy in destroying the world.1 G‑d tells Noah that it is too late to pray, he should have prayed for His mercy before the flood.

Why does Noah only pray to G‑d after the flood? It is human nature to take things for granted. When all is going well, we don’t find the need to beseech our Creator from the depths of our souls. The nature of pain and loss is that when one comes face to face with loss—that’s when we come to appreciate that which we are losing. Like Noah, our pains and losses bring us to turn to G‑d. We turn to G‑d with a sense of urgency and depth that we did not have before.

Strengthening Our Faith

The loss puts us in a vulnerable position that forms a deeper bond and connection with the Almighty. Of course, this connection needs faith to cement it, and it is understandable when one goes through loss to struggle with faith.

Strengthening our faith is a process. Asking G‑d why this happened is normal. Questioning G‑d and even feeling anger is normal.

Part of the challenge of loss is to strengthen our faith in G‑d and to foster our connection with Him. We can do this during prayer or by talking to G‑d in our minds and asking Him for strength to help us pull through.

I asked a friend who was struggling with an illness if she ever felt anger towards G‑d or had trouble praying. She admitted that she did sometimes feel anger towards Him, yet she knew that ultimately there was a higher purpose to her suffering, and that the only One she does have to pray to and to get help from is from Him. She said that having G‑d to rely on, and to turn to in her deep pain is what gets her through her struggles.

Moving Forward

After Noah comes out of the ark, G‑d repeats to him three times to multiply and re-inhabit the earth. Why does the Torah need to repeat this command?

When we go through loss, a part of us has been ripped away, leaving us off balance emotionally, physically and spiritually. This makes it hard for us to move on and get back on our two feet. We almost feel frozen in time, as life continues as normal for everyone around us, and we struggle to survive with our new version of normal. As Noah is reeling from the loss surrounding him, G‑d repeats and encourages him to multiply and refill the world because of his resistance to rebuild.

Rebuilding: Life After Loss

When a part of us is ripped away, it takes time to gain back our footing, and continue on and move forward. Some heartbreak can take a lifetime to mend. I find hope in seeing a stump of a tree with leaves growing on top of it because it reminds me that there is still life after loss.

A stump of a tree also has the potential to regrow into a tree so long as the roots are intact. The father of the Shaloh Hakadosh2 writes that when a tree stump gets cut off, it still floats in water because it still contains life within it. Even when we go through severe loss—and feel completely shattered and broken—we need to remind ourselves that we still have life within us. We will rise to the top just like the broken branch rises in the water.

Rebuilding our lives after loss is a process that takes time, and needs patience and self-compassion. No matter how great the loss, we can choose to connect deeper to our Creator and strengthen our faith, rebuild in whichever way we can, and turn our pain into something purposeful and meaningful.