My husband was on his way home from prayers, and then the two of us and some friends were all meant to pile promptly into the car and head out for the weekend.

Except 20 minutes after our scheduled time to leave, Ariel still wasn’t home.

I fumed.

“Do you know that everyone is waiting for you?” I said sharply when he walked in the door.

His shoulders deflated. He put the packages down. I hadn’t even noticed them. He wasn’t late because he was dawdling; he had been picking things up for the house.

The mistake came at me like a wall.

He went inside to finish packing. I sat outside with my baggage, in more ways than one.

Uggh, I am such a bad wife. I am so critical. Why can’t I just judge him favorably?

Ariel came back out and started telling me about a horse he saw on the way home eating a rose bush.

“Nu, everyone is in the car!” I said abruptly.

“OK,” he said, heading back in, startled.

I did it again. What is wrong with me?!


Repentance gets a bad rap. And sometimes gets confused with guilt. It turns out Jewish guilt is not so Jewish after all. It has a holy façade, but it’s a trap!

Teshuva does not mean to obsess over our mistakes until the point that we cannot even find ourselves buried underneath the weight of their shame. Teshuvah means to return to who we are. Teshuv hey to return the hey of G‑d's name. This is done through regretting what we did, regretting the mistake, aknowledgeing and owning up to the mistake and then resolving for the future to do differently. The Rambam says that the ultimate teshuva is being in the same situation and choosing differently.

But if I identify with the sin, if I make it my new identity, most likely the same situation will arise and I will be caught in the web of thinking I am someone who would do that kind of thing. And around and around it goes. Guilt keeps the wheel spinning.

Teshuva sets us free, to dance to a new beat, one filled with connection. Connection to G‑d and to our true self.

Why did I act out of alignment with my true self, the G‑dly soul, in the first place? Because I thought that’s who I was at that moment. I thought: I am this anger in my veins; I am this throbbing jealous heart. I identified with the sensations of fear and acted accordingly.

And then a moment of clarity comes where I realize that I made a mistake.

This moment is one of epic consequences. I can either double down on darkness or I can break free. I hold the key.

It is the moment when I can choose to disassociate with the negativity or identify with it. I say either, “That is so me,” and sync into self-hatred. Or I transcend and say, “That is so not like me,” even if it has been my pattern for years because that is really not my place, the place of the G‑dly soul.

If I say, “Oh no, I yelled at my husband! That wasn’t what G‑d wanted from me.” I then draw the conclusion: I am a horrible person. Who do I think I am? I am such a bad spouse. I am such an impulsive person.

Then the concealment has won. I now believe not that I made a mistake, but I am the mistake. This now means I am almost a hundred percent likely to relapse. I will act on my anger because that is, after all, who I concluded I am: an angry person.

If I am living with endless regret and bemoaning my faults—it may sound like an appealing self-help program, holy even. But Judaism is not a self-help program. It is a G‑d help program.

You see, if I focus on my negative traits, my arrogance, pleasure-seeking, laziness and anger, this will only get me more involved with these elements of my “self”.

On the other hand, when I work on realizing that I am not this separate self but rather that I am part of an uncompromising all-pervading unity of G‑d’s love, now that will do the trick.

Teshuvah sets us free.

It is saying the same statement: I made a mistake when I yelled at him. But it is using that icky feeling of regret to grab the clarity and scream with all my being, “That is not me! I am a G‑dly soul; I am here to add delight. What would a G‑dly soul like me be doing yelling? I can fix this because I am not this anger, I am the light. Yes, I have darkness, but it is not my identity.”

In somatic experiencing, I learned that as soon as I can witness a sensation, I am not it. As soon as I witness the throbbing heart, I am not that sensation of jealousy. I am the observer. I am free and soaring, witnessing the body having a human experience.

A true path forward can be found not by associating or focusing on our faults, but by disassociating from the sin. That is not the real me. So now I have a craving, a thirst, and a yearning to feel like the true me who is generous, kind, forgiving, patient and honest.


Ariel finished packing his bag inside. I sat outside.

I decided to do teshuvah. To return to who I am. I am loving, I am generous, I see the essence of my husband and the opportunity in each moment. I am connected to G‑d. I am connected to myself.

I am not this churning sensation in my stomach. I am the witnesser of it. I am not this anger. I am the G‑dly soul who has a direct line of connection. It is not like me to be angry; it is like me to be loving.

I am full of trust in the Maestro of this symphony and trust in my soulmate.

“Let’s go,” Ariel said, visibly annoyed. “Everyone is waiting.” I could hear his disappointment in himself. I had injected him with my poison.

Wait. Deep breath. I am a loving wife, that is the most natural thing to me because that is who I am.

I apologize for being disrespectful when I gave him a hard time about being behind schedule. His shoulder’s dropped two inches. Thank you,was all he said.

I got to do teshuva. I got to apologize. What an incredible opportunity. An opportunity that only exists in this world.

My heart was soaring with gratitude for the ability to choose to reconnect. That feeling of disconnection creates a yearning to reconnect. I felt inspired to not just even the playing field, but let my husband know my truth, that he is my hero.

Chassidus teaches that after we do teshuva out of love, it is not just that the sin is erased, but because of this newformed closeness, it becomes a merit that brought us closer together.

“Ariel, thank you for everything you did this morning—praying, running around, buying things for the house. I appreciate it.”

And in that moment, we returned to who we are. Two people creating a life together.