When I was 19, I had an internship with a lobbyist in Washington, D.C. My career path was going to be, I thought, something international—maybe law, maybe politics. On the one hand, I saw myself traveling, working long hours, being busy with a busy career; on the other hand, I always had this desire to be a mommy. It’s certainly not a contradiction to be and do both, but I knew what it was like as a child to come home to an empty home, and that wasn’t the kind of family lifestyle I envisioned.
You also can’t be at two places at once.You can’t be in two places at once You’re either at home or you’re not. Either you’re in the office or on an airplane, or you’re not. (Mind you, this was more than 20 years ago when there was no such thing as working remotely.)
So, I made a choice. I graduated from university, left my international-relations diploma in a drawer and never looked back.
When I finally became a mother, it was a very important value to be present, to be at home with my small children. I had the privilege to be able to nurse my babies, which is something that takes an incredible amount of time and physical dedication. I wore them. I cuddled them. I worked around my children’s schedules so that I could be at home with them in the afternoons. I kept saying, “Only I can be their mother.”
What I didn’t realize then was that as much as my little kids needed a present mommy, my older children—my teenagers—need me so much more!
When children are young, you have so much influence over them, so much power. You feed them, bathe them, take care of almost all of their physical and emotional needs. You are their heroes. In their eyes, you are wise, all-knowing. But now, my teenagers are taller than me! And, of course, they think they know more than me. They question everything I say and do, and love to argue. They are always right. I realize it’s not coming from disrespect, it’s a stage like any other.
So, I have to admit that I was getting a bit emotional about this change. My teens’ rolling of their eyes, the moodiness, the complaining and second-guessing. And then I had a talk with myself, asking, “Elana, is it worth our relationship? Can’t you just let go, laugh a bit and be there?”
We have a few rules with our teenagers, the main one being “tell us where you are and who you’re with.” We just want to know that they are safe. There is trust. There is mutual respect and consideration. But the one thing that hasn’t changed is that I am still their mother. It’s still my job to love and give no matter what, within my capacity. Mommy is here. That relationship is the most important thing that I have now with my (older) children.
And who would have thought? The more independent, the more distant and the older they get, the more children need to know that you are there. I wasn’t expecting the needs of a teenager—how important it is to be present when they come home at night (and wow, it can be so late, and I am so tired). Those moments when they want to share with you, ask you something or talk with you; these aren’t so frequent anymore. Friends consume more of their time and their opinions count much more, so even if you’re in the middle of something, if you don’t make time for your teen at that moment, you might miss that opportunity forever.
So perhaps now I understand why Rachel,Rachel was there for her children the biological mother of Joseph and Benjamin, is known to all of the tribes and to all Jews as “Mama Rochel.” Because Rachel, she’s there.
The Torah describes how Jacob buried Rachel not in Hebron with the other matriarchs, but on the road within a short distance to Bethlehem. The sages (Rashi, Genesis 48:7) explain why: Rachel had to be there for her children.
Many years later, when Israel was exiled to Babylonia, they passed by Rachel’s tomb, and it gave them tremendous strength. The prophet Jeremiah (31:14) describes how when the Jewish people passed Rachel’s grave, she would emerge and weep and beg mercy for them. G‑d heard her bitter weeping and reassured Rachel that because of her, Israel would return to her border, her home.
And so, she is “Mama Rochel” to us all. She teaches about the sacrifice of being there for her children. Feeling for them, crying for them, guiding them and loving them. She teaches the importance of a mother’s presence, no matter what the age and what the stage.
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