He Lied to Me, but Blames Me!

Dear Rachel,

I did something very stupid. I have been dating a man for a long time. One night, I called him to go out with him and he said he was busy, but I felt he wasn’t telling theI felt he wasn’t telling the truth truth. So I asked a friend he doesn’t know to call him up. She said she was in town, and that his friend said that he was a good person to show her around. He agreed to meet her, but when he arrived at the appointed place, it was me there waiting for him. I wasn’t even angry. I smiled like it was good joke. He stalked off angry at having been tricked and hasn’t spoken to me since. What can I do?

Running After Love

Dear Running,

Stop, turn around and run quickly—in the opposite direction. You have been given an out from a very bad relationship, and you are lucky.

We all want love, and sometimes, we feel weWe all want love have to run after it. But we don’t. Forty days before a child is conceived, a Heavenly voice proclaims who his or her soulmate is destined to be (Talmud Bavli, Sanhedrin 22a). While you do have to make an effort to find him, you do not need to trick, beg, demand or manipulate.

Like it or not, this guy is abusive. He lied, cheated, showed no remorse and then was angry at you. And now he’s giving you the silent treatment. You didn’t do anything stupid at all; you simply revealed his negative nature.

You instinctively felt that this man was not being honest with you, and you wanted to test him. He wasn’t mad that you were being manipulative. He was mad that he was caught.

Judaism teaches that G‑d’s main occupation is arranging marriages (Bereishit Rabba 68:4). Is this the kind of match you think G‑d wants you to have? Someone who gets angry at you when he does something wrong? Someone you have to trick to spend time with? Someone who lies and cheats?

A soulmate isn’t someone you run after. It’s someone your soul recognizes as a dear friend you haven’t seen for a longTreat yourself with dignity time—someone who makes you smile and makes you want to be your best self, not someone who makes you cry and feel inferior. A soulmate is someone who recognizes the unique soul that you have and wants to attach himself to it. It’s someone who values you and treats you like the diamond you are.

Love yourself and treat yourself with dignity in order to attract a man who will do the same. Take some time off from relationships and spend it learning to like, love and appreciate yourself. Spend time with people who love you. Review your accomplishments, list your talents and think about the type of husband you want to spend the rest of your life with. Focus on the important qualities he should have: honesty, integrity, loyalty, gratitude, even-temperedness. Those are the qualities that make a good husband, a good soulmate.

May you walk to the chuppah with yours soon!

By Rosally Saltsman

Rosally Saltsman offers Creative Consulting sessions via Zoom, providing creative, out-of-the-box solutions to people's personal and professional opportunities and challenges. She is the author of Bashert - Inspiring, True Stories About “Finding” Your Soulmate. Her new book: 100 Life Lessons I've Learned So You Don't Have To is available for purchase in both hard copy and digital formats. Rosally's books are available on Amazon.

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66 Comments

A April 26, 2023

BSD. I respectfully disagree. The woman played a game. Tricked him. This is equally wrong & shameful. If she suspected something, she should have been mature and spoken about her concerns with him. In an open non accusatory manner. Maybe he was unsure about the relationship. Maybe he wanted to try going out with someone else & make sure if his feelings and intentions. She tricked him & this is dishonest. Both of them should be strong enough to discuss their relationship. Neither should play games. It plants seeds of distrust that can & often will ruin a relationship later on. Both are wrong. He should have been forthright with her & explained his situation. She, no one, should ever ever play such games w other people. No one, no one, likes to be tested. Reply

Tovah Israel November 2, 2022

Excellent advice being given in this article!
Every story, every page, of Torah screams out the one characteristic that will make, or break, every relationship—even that with Him: honesty. How silly we are! We look for people who are nice-looking, interesting, intelligent, compassionate, fun-loving, artistic, politically correct—any number of things, except for the one that will make a lifetime relationship possible: honesty. Reply

Dayan November 2, 2022

in response to Tovah:

Amen! Reply

Helen Dudden Bristol March 21, 2022

We are very disappointed when life throws lemons. I have been and have tried to remedy. What felt right wasn't.
I knew. Reply

Kelly Jounrsboge March 20, 2022

Make the right choice Reply

Ayala Hasis None of your business January 30, 2022

Thanks Reply

Helen Dudden Bristol October 24, 2019

I wanted to add, through good and bad times.
I'm in a wheelchair, things change. Will your relationship overcome obstacles, like ill health and other life challenges? As I see personally, life throws these challenges, can you cope without bitterness to those you care for?
It's not fair to hurt other's, because you are hurting. Be honest and open, that's what I've learnt. Reply

Helen Dudden Bristol October 23, 2019

Yes, as Torah instructs, dating is complex, and difficult. Open to failure. Reply

Helen Dudden United Kingdom December 26, 2017

Yes, just walk away. Relationships, are not just emotional games, that's not what we believe in. We have to be able to trust that we can be honest, and true to one another. Be yourself. Reply

Lisa Providence, RI December 25, 2017

Dump him! He's clearly immature and can't be straight with you or anyone else! You're better off without him! Reply

Binyamin Sacramento December 25, 2017

in response to Lisa:

They established a relationship outside Torah boundaries. It is no surprise the relationship is failing.

He is avoiding her for some reason - who knows why? - while she is playing immature borderline personality games with him.

They are better off without each other. Reply

Helen Dudden United Kingdom December 26, 2017

in response to Binyamin:

Perhaps, not willing to commit. You can't play with others emotions or lack respect. Games produce problems, and this did. Reply

Lisa Providence, RI October 13, 2019

in response to Binyamin:

Binyamin, in MOST cases, BOTH sides are at fault, and it doesn't matter whether it's inside or outside Torah boundaries! Reply

Binyamin Sacramento December 26, 2017

in response to Helen Dudden:

Yes, that's another way to put it: neither were willing to commit to the relationship. If they had been willing to commit, they would have become engaged. An engagement would have set appropriate boundaries precluding a problem such as this one.

Whenever couples 'date' without boundaries, they open themselves to emotional pain.

Shidduch dating sets boundaries, which is only one of many reasons I am strong on the concept. Reply

Anonymous December 27, 2017

in response to Binyamin:

I do not think it is fair to say that neither was willing to commit to the relationship without knowing more. It seems she was willing and wanting him to commit - but to what kind of relationship? A relationship with what sort of dynamics? Couples must do their best to have an understanding of what they expect, hope and plan the dynamics of their relationship to be. If they can not agree on that, there will be repeated comflict.

but if they can agree who leads in the waltz, who will lead in the tango and which of life’s dances they sit out altogether (so to speak) they will have a smoother time of it and each will at least know when they need to stop and apologize because they have stepped on the other’s toes! Reply

Binyamin Sacramento December 28, 2017

in response to Anonymous:

The woman stated they were boyfriend and girlfriend, not engaged or married. This implies non-commitment. Couples date without engagement or marriage because they are unsure of the relationship or are just plain unwilling to commit.

It takes two to commit. So, at least one of them did not want to commit. It would seem, in this case, the man was unwilling.

If she wanted a commitment but he did not, then she chose to stay in the relationship knowing the man was uncommitted. She then 'tested' him to see if he was committed to her, and he failed the test. This caused her distress.

Given their initial agreement to continue to date despite noncommitment, it was a mistake for her to test him this way. Reply

Helen Dudden United Kingdom December 5, 2017

The next article could be on Jewish dating and Shidduch. Reply

Helen Dudden United Kingdom December 4, 2017

How can you form a relationship If you are not giving it a chance.
Having just made further comments on divorce and parental alienation, considered selfish as the emotional pain it causes. Relationships seem cheap, as the comments highlight. I would not wish to be going out with someone, until something better happened.
The problems with how we treat one another, causes so much pain.
I would expect in secular dating, if your not interested in someone, don't play games, name calling belongs in the playground. Adults enter into adult relationships. Reply

Binyamin Aryeh Uchytil Sacramento December 5, 2017

in response to Helen Dudden:

"The problems with how we treat one another, causes so much pain."

Yes, they do. This is one reason why I greatly favor shidduch dating.

Shidduch dating has emotional and physical boundaries that protect both parties. Also, one only dates if one is considering the other person for marriage, so one's intentions are known. Reply

Helen Dudden United Kingdom December 5, 2017

in response to Binyamin Aryeh Uchytil:

I totally agree, let's be adult with relationships. Reply

Binyamin Aryeh Uchytil Sacramento December 6, 2017

in response to Binyamin Aryeh Uchytil:

Another thing about shidduch dating: The individuals are matched according to lifestyle, past, and families, thereby greatly multiplying the chances of marital success. Reply

Binyamin Aryeh Uchytil Sacramento December 6, 2017

in response to Helen Dudden:

Exactly! Reply

Tovah Israel November 2, 2022

in response to Binyamin Aryeh Uchytil:

It’s true that looking at and “matching” such things as lifestyle, past and families can shorten up the selection process and avoid conflicts that are based on mismatch in these types of issues, but it’s obvious to me from working with women that these guidelines produce miserable marriages. Torah itself depicts that long-term relationships require honesty, humility, thoughtfulness, respect, and hard-working abilities. Since the screening process doesn’t include these behaviors, the woman is stuck with a man from a good background who is narcissistic and unable to respond to her thinking or requests, without self-evaluation of what HE is doing to disrupt family peace. Will the woman publically admit to this? Of course not, because she is taught that she is responsible to create the “shalom bayit”, the peace in the house. Reply

Helen Dudden United Kingdom December 4, 2017

Very strong words by the last post. We should expect some standards. All relationships start somewhere.
I know there is a difference in Jewish stardards. If these were the standards you could have been a divorce statistic very quickly.
The last post, should not be calling someone names. I find This offence. Reply

Binyamin Sacramento December 3, 2017

There are two possibilities. They are either 'dating' as per modern secular people do these days, or they are shidduch-dating.

1. If they involved in secular dating:

Read any classic, traditional, or modern book on etiquette and you will find that a single woman who is asked out for a date - whether by a stranger or her 'boyfriend' - is advised to answer that she is "busy" or has a "previous engagement" if she does not want to go out with him for any reason whatsoever.

These texts explicitly state that "busy" is not a lie, as "busy" could mean she is planning to wash her hair or watch TV.

How is it this young man is not permitted to employ the same etiquette technique?

For those of you who would say he is 'cheating' on her - wrong! They are not engaged. She has no claim on him.

2. If they are in involved in shidduch dating:

They are not engaged and so no agreement has been made to be exclusive. She has no hold on him. She is in the wrong. Reply

Mr. G USA December 1, 2017

False Advice Seeker Revenge Whistleblower The boyfriend said he was BUSY....because he made a distinct effort to AVOID her for that particular moment. Good golley Ms. Molly! It doesn't and shouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure this young man out, now does it? She on the other hand MADE a distinctive effort to SHOW HIM a thing or two....because she somewhat FELT like he was being deceptive, aloof, or just plain angry/mad for being a human being and having to put up with life. Big deal! Who is SHE that HE should venerate her wishes and her "come hither'' attitude, when she's just a friend, a close friend, but not yet a wife! Give the poor guy a break! Paaaleeeeeeeze! Women think they are and should be given priority and extra special treatment when and whenever they make a decision to get it! What a waste of time that poor bloke must have to put up with that insensitive little witch, who thinks she OWNS HIM! Pathetic attitude this little female shows....and then has the audacity to complain and seek false advice. Reply

Anonymous December 3, 2017

in response to Mr. G:

TRUE! Reply

Helen Dudden United Kingdom December 4, 2017

in response to Mr. G:

I think you are being rude and the objective of debate is lost. Reply

Anonymous December 4, 2017

in response to Mr. G:

Mr. G, I wanted to be sure you saw that the writer of the letter started off on the right foot.when she said she realized she had made an error. She wrote: "I did something very stupid. I have been dating a man for a long time.. . "

I missed that my first reading. But after suspecting the writer might genuinely have been asking where she had gone wrong and after scrutinizing my own reaction to what the writer described, I became absolutely sure that my first post on this thread could and should have been kinder and gentler in its approach to setting out the points I wanted to make while defending the 'boyfriend' who was not here to speak for himself and explain his side of the story.

I will be more careful about that in the future. Reply

Anonymous Woodland Hills November 30, 2017

The operative word is" boyfriend". "Boyfriend" implies an exclusive relationship. Perhaps this man gave her reason to doubt his sincerity before, which led her to this crazy behavior of entrapment. They're both at fault, and they are not right for each other. When you find your true mate, everything should be relaxed and easy without pretentiousness or worry. Reply

Anonymous December 4, 2017

in response to Anonymous:

B”H

To me, “boyfriend” implies a non-permanent, pre-marital, romantic, sexual relationship that Chabad would not recommend.

I hope visitors to this website, while they feel welcome to read, learn and communicate with others, will take time to learn what Chabad stands for and what our Rebbe and the Rebbes before him taught about how precious our chastity is. I am concerned and feel Chabad is disrespected when I read posts on this site casually stating that boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are exclusive and acceptable relationships equal to betrothal. A visitor stopping by might think Chabad stands for that, G_D forbid. Instead, people who come to Chabad seeking G-d centered counsel should be reminded (1) men and women (with few exceptions) should not be alone together; (2) complete chastity until marriage, and (3) observe laws of purity. We should explain how these ways of Yiddishkeit provide the best chance of forming the quality relationships everyone says they want. G_D guide us. Reply

Helen Dudden United Kingdom November 30, 2017

The relationship was not one made in heaven. If you want marriage in the Jewish tradition with commitment and respect, look for those qualities. It's pretty obvious that's not here in the article.
I write on divorce and child access, I would rather see a relationship start in a good place, I know how upsetting a failed relationship is to all concerned. Reply

Linda Evans Auburn Wa November 30, 2017

This response to Running After Love, is perfectly non judgemental about the woman who it involves. People are lousy judges, and it sure isn't relevant when she is asking for advice.
What is the benefit in bringing up mud instead of looking for gold? Reply

Kathy November 29, 2017

Why did she fell she didn't feel trust her boyfriend? Was there something that happened between them that gave her bad vibes? But for her to actually go as far as creating a situation to draw him out, to see if he would go out with someone else, is also somewhat subversive dishonest. He does have a right to say he's not feeling up to going out. And if he really didn't feel like going out, then that's what he should have answered to the call about taking another girl out to show her around. She probably should have given him the benefit of the doubt, unless she already had reasons to suspect he was seeing someone else. Reply

Anonymous CT November 29, 2017

We don't know enough details.
I might put showing hospitality to a traveler, fulfilling a promise made by my friend, over alphabetizing my spices, or binge-watching TV, or whatever it was I would rather have done than hang out with my girlfriend that night. On that basis alone the boyfriend was abusive or deceptive. (Why I wanted to alphabetize my spices instead of going shoe-shopping with her in the first place is a different question.) Reply

Anonymous CT November 29, 2017

in response to Anonymous:

on that basis was NOT ... Reply

A J Anyaegbunam Enugu, South Eastern Nigeria November 29, 2017

I agree completely with the answer given to the lady's question. A man that treats her this way doesn't love and respect her. She should go and seek love elsewhere otherwise her current boy friend will make her regret her choice later on. It is the height of perfidy for a man to keep a lady he dislikes waiting for him. Reply

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