Dear Rachel,

I did something very stupid. I have been dating a man for a long time. One night, I called him to go out with him and he said he was busy, but I felt he wasn’t telling theI felt he wasn’t telling the truth truth. So I asked a friend he doesn’t know to call him up. She said she was in town, and that his friend said that he was a good person to show her around. He agreed to meet her, but when he arrived at the appointed place, it was me there waiting for him. I wasn’t even angry. I smiled like it was good joke. He stalked off angry at having been tricked and hasn’t spoken to me since. What can I do?

Running After Love

Dear Running,

Stop, turn around and run quickly—in the opposite direction. You have been given an out from a very bad relationship, and you are lucky.

We all want love, and sometimes, we feel weWe all want love have to run after it. But we don’t. Forty days before a child is conceived, a Heavenly voice proclaims who his or her soulmate is destined to be (Talmud Bavli, Sanhedrin 22a). While you do have to make an effort to find him, you do not need to trick, beg, demand or manipulate.

Like it or not, this guy is abusive. He lied, cheated, showed no remorse and then was angry at you. And now he’s giving you the silent treatment. You didn’t do anything stupid at all; you simply revealed his negative nature.

You instinctively felt that this man was not being honest with you, and you wanted to test him. He wasn’t mad that you were being manipulative. He was mad that he was caught.

Judaism teaches that G‑d’s main occupation is arranging marriages (Bereishit Rabba 68:4). Is this the kind of match you think G‑d wants you to have? Someone who gets angry at you when he does something wrong? Someone you have to trick to spend time with? Someone who lies and cheats?

A soulmate isn’t someone you run after. It’s someone your soul recognizes as a dear friend you haven’t seen for a longTreat yourself with dignity time—someone who makes you smile and makes you want to be your best self, not someone who makes you cry and feel inferior. A soulmate is someone who recognizes the unique soul that you have and wants to attach himself to it. It’s someone who values you and treats you like the diamond you are.

Love yourself and treat yourself with dignity in order to attract a man who will do the same. Take some time off from relationships and spend it learning to like, love and appreciate yourself. Spend time with people who love you. Review your accomplishments, list your talents and think about the type of husband you want to spend the rest of your life with. Focus on the important qualities he should have: honesty, integrity, loyalty, gratitude, even-temperedness. Those are the qualities that make a good husband, a good soulmate.

May you walk to the chuppah with yours soon!