My friend Betsy and I have been best friends since kindergarten. She is wonderful—funny, kind, supportive, and would give me the shirt off her back. My family is Jewish; Betsy’s is not.
Growing up around the corner from each other, Betsy and I were honorary members of each other’s families. Betsy joined us for Passover Seders and for my bat mitzvah, and even went to templeMy family is Jewish; Betsy’s is not services with us a few times. She felt comfortable around our family, and with Jewish rituals and ceremonies.
When I was in high school, I joined the temple’s youth group. We had regular meetings and all kinds of social activities. About once a month, we did something with several of the other youth groups in our region. There were hay rides and cruises around the local marina, social-action activities and pancake breakfasts. (Now that I’ve become religiously observant, I’m thankful that my children participate in social activities with kids of the same gender and don’t have to deal with boy-girl politics. But in my temple growing up, the norms were quite different.)
The activities were fun, and I wanted to share the fun with Betsy. I lobbied the youth group advisor to let Betsy come along. The advisor was adamantly opposed; he explained that lots of groups are just for a certain clientele. They didn’t let girls join the Boy Scouts. There were no Jews in the Mormon youth group. That’s just the way it was.
Well, what if the parents said it was okay?
No.
Of course, “no” does not work for teenagers. I continued to needle the poor man. Finally, he told me that the idea of a Jewish youth group is for Jewish kids to get together. The idea is to promote a sense of community, where we enjoy each other’s company. Teens are at the age when many start dating, and having non-Jews in the group could, of course, lead to interfaith dating. And that could lead to interfaith marriage.
“But Betsy never dated anyone!” I protested. “She just wants to be with her girlfriends at these things!”
The advisor didn’t budge. Once or twice, Betsy did sneak in, when the advisor wasn’t there. When she did, she did not meet a romantic interest.
But Betsy did go Israeli folk-dancing with me. There was no supervision there. A friend who taught at a local folk-dance club would come around and pick a bunch of us up, and deliver us to the evening fun.
Betsy and I went off to different colleges, and I went to Israeli folk-dancing at mine, she at hers. After college, she continued dancing, and met her husband at a folk-dance evening.
I had a lot of mixed feelings when they got serious. On the one hand, I wanted Betsy to be happy. But on the other hand, I did not want to encourage her to marry a Jewish man. Had Betsy been Jewish, I would have discouraged her from dating a non-Jew. But she was the non-Jew. Maybe, I thought, I should be discouraging her boyfriend from getting serious with her. But I didn’t really know him!
By the time I got around toI had a lot of mixed feelings when they got serious clarifying my values—I did not want to support an intermarriage, no matter how great the couple seemed to be, because I knew that G‑d wanted Jews to marry Jews—it was too late. So I held my peace.
Betsy’s fiancé wanted her to convert, but she wasn’t sure how she felt about the existence of G‑d. She felt that although she loved all things Jewish, she would be dishonest to claim to be a believer when she was not. I give her credit for her integrity; Jewish conversion is quite an undertaking, and converting solely for the sake of marriage wouldn’t have been authentic.
My mother and I had a dollar bet on Betsy’s converting when she had children. My mother was certain Betsy would come around. My mom lost that bet.
Betsy and her husband tried to provide their two children with a feeling of a connection to Jewish traditions and the Jewish community. It was Betsy who schlepped the kids to midweek Hebrew lessons, Sunday school, and later to bar and bat mitzvah lessons. They became active members of an egalitarian temple, where Betsy joined various committees and helped run the Purim carnival. Although Betsy’s husband had wanted to join a more traditional synagogue—like the one he grew up in—his non-Jewish wife was not welcome, which offended him, though not her.
When Betsy’s daughter was about 4 years old, Betsy’s mother, a frequent visitor to their home, was there. The daughter said something to her grandma about being Jewish, and Betsy’s mother said: “Well, actually, sweetheart, I’m not Jewish.”
The daughter’s eyes got wide. “But . . . but,” she stuttered, “but Mommy is Jewish!” Betsy took her daughter in her arms. “Actually, honey, I’m not Jewish either.”
Her daughter pulled away. “You are too Jewish! You are too Jewish!” she demanded. She pounded the coffee table, then hid in her room for a long time.
The tragedy of the situation was that Betsy’s children were not Jewish either, since one’s Jewishness is dependent on the mother. But they weren’t given that message.
Now Betsy’s children are grown and out of the house. Her husband continues as a stalwart of the temple. He helps to lead Shabbat services, and reads regularly from the Torah. Betsy attends weekly Torah classes.
Their two children have drifted away from temple affiliation. The daughter married a boy who was not Jewish. He also has a Jewish father and a non-Jewish mother. He has no interest in Judaism.
Betsy’s daughter mentioned to her parents that if she and her husband would have a son, she didn’t think they would give him a brit milah, a ritual circumcision. Betsy’s husband was mortified, although there really was no reason to give a non-Jewish child a brit milah.
While Betsy and her husband are only one couple—and not necessarily representative of what alwaysTheir two children have drifted away happens—when I think of their bittersweet life story, I’m reminded of the possible repercussions and dangers of interfaith dating.
Betsy is still my very best friend, and I am so thankful that she is in my life. She feels happy the way things turned out for her family. I think her husband is still hoping that eventually his children will come to treasure the Jewish heritage he holds so dear.
In the meantime, he keeps busy practicing his Torah reading and leading Torah services. In these things, he finds meaning.
Don't chase your children away Thanks for sharing this story. I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children. My wife is not jewish, and I am. She was not religious growing up and my family was conservative. My family did not accept her. When she expressed that she wanted to convert to my family the answer was "you cannot convert your blood" "your blood hasn't endured the life we have" and continued to express their disapproval. Nothing was stopping us, and my family disowned me as their Rabbi suggested. It was the worst time of my life and I suffered a deep depression and nearly committed suicide. But my fiance stood by me and supported me as did her family. My fam eventually mended things and got back.I can write a book abut this, but the key is that I was heartbroken that my family's faith would chase me away. It didnt work, and we celebrate holidays as we did before. my children are jewish at heart, but truly dont have a religion. I just beg everyone not chase their children away. compromise and love
This is the exact reason that people should teach their children early. Your wife's conversion should have happened before you married. It's a sad situation, but your family did exactly what they were supposed to do.
There is no "compromise" on this. The mother of a child must be jewish, or the children are not.
If you want to see the results of intermarriage, just look at the Pew Research surveys on Jewish life in the US. Within 2-3 generations, there won't be any more non-Orthodox.
Teach your children to marry jewish and to be accepting of "jews by choice" - however, a person who converts should be sincere in the desire to be jewish, whether or not the result is a marriage. Too many people have converted merely to marry and the result has been disastrous for the children. THis is likely why your family had that reaction.
Thank you for sharing your heart wrenching story.
You are so right!! .. "I just beg everyone not to chase their children away, compromise and Love".
(I hope you don't mind me replying as I'm not a Jew.)
As racist and discriminatory as "you cannot convert your blood" sounds, I get it. Such a history as the Jews have had, surviving through the years and outlasting many civilizations, I believe there is something very unique going on between G-d and his people.
I was married to an "ethnically" Jewish man for 17 years. When he asked me to marry him he also asked me to convert. I wasn't particularity religious, so I had an open mind. After taking classes and reading such books as 9 Questions by Prager, I gained a sincere respect and desire to become involved with at least Reform Judaism. My husband didn't want anything to do with it and I couldn't even ask my mother in law for help because she wasn't interested, and didn't even know who Abraham was!
My conversion I believe was the assurance of my not being "Christian". He and his parents see them as the enemy. In the end, I divorced and now happily married to a fellow gentile.
"but your family did exactly what they were supposed to do."
disowning someone is not what any family is supposed to do. it's a shame you feel that way.
The survival of the Jewish people is more important than me or anyone in my family. Ignoring the reality of intermarriage and what it has done is why there will be no reform or conservative Jews in a generation or two.
Intermarriage has done more to eradicate Jews than Hitler could ever dream of doing.
My parents made it very clear to me even when I was a very young child. Be friends with everyone. Be fair with everyone. But when it comes to marrying and having children, you must marry someone who is Jewish. It doesn't matter if they were born that way or if they become Jewish, but they must be Jewish before you marry them.
If people really value their Judaism then they want Jews and Judaism to survive. The way to do that is to ensure their children marry Jewish.