Attending Non-Kosher Birthday Parties

Question:

My family is observant—we keep kosher in and out of the house—but hasn’t always been this way. Our eight-year-old son has several friends who are either not Jewish or not observant, and he gets invited to their birthday parties, where non-kosher food and cake is served.

What’s the best way to handle this situation? My wife and I have been discussing it for almost two years, but we haven’t come up with an answer.

Response:

I’m happy you brought this up. It’s an important question that applies not only to birthday parties, but also to a range of issues our children confront living a Torah life.

I can relate to the question quite well. We are Chabad shluchim in a small community, and many of the birthday parties our children are invited to are also in homes where kosher is not kept.

The short answer is, of course, that our children should never eat food that is not kosher. Keeping kosher isn’t something we try to do, but a part and parcel of our identity as Jews. Our essence does not change based on circumstances, and neither should our commitment to Torah. Whether we’re vacationing in Hawaii or attending a business conference, kosher is kosher.

The greatest gift you can give your children is this clarity about who they are and what their priorities should be.

The question then becomes a practical one: how to deal with the invitations.

In our situation, families know that we eat only kosher, and extending an invitation to our children means they will do what they can to accommodate. (Another advantage of clear identity is that it becomes obvious to others!)

There are stores in our area that sell kosher cupcakes, and most parents are happy to buy them. Other times, we’ll bake a quick Duncan Hines cake and send it along.

If the parents of your son’s friends are not aware that you keep kosher, let them know. There is no reason to be embarrassed. You will find that people are generally happy to accommodate.

One last suggestion: Whenever our kids are at an event where they can’t eat everything that’s being served, we try to treat them to something special afterward, whether it’s an extra dessert that evening or taking them out to a kosher restaurant. They need to the feel the joy, not just the oy, in mitzvahs.

This has to be communicated in words, too. From time to time, talk to your son about the beauty of keeping kosher, and let him know how lucky he is to know about and observe the mitzvahs. G‑d willing, soon others will learn about them as well.

By Yisroel Cotlar

Rabbi Yisroel Cotlar is a Chabad rabbi in Cary, North Carolina. He is also a member of the Chabad.org Ask the Rabbi team.

Join the Discussion

Sort By:

NewestOldest

28 Comments

Jessica August 16, 2023

Thanks for this post. It gave me the confirmation and strength I needed to deal with this exact situation and to confidently explain to my kids. Reply

Sapir Roth CORAL SPRINGS January 28, 2020

In some ways, it's no different from being vegetarian or vegan or having a gluten, chocolate or nut allergy. A lot of people can't or won't eat certain foods, and if you mention it to the host, you have to hope that they will accommodate you. I think most people are willing to do that. Reply

Michal Boston, MA December 27, 2015

Not just for kids I don't have kids, but this article and the comments were useful. I am becoming more observant. Continuing my social life outside the home is the hardest part of kashrut. Much of it revolves around food, restaurants, etc. I'll just have to pack my own food! Reply

Hannah Chicago, Illinois November 19, 2018

in response to Michal:

“ We don’t do that!” Ode from my parents! When I was in high school ( in England) I had lots on non Jewish friends. I was not allowed by my parents to attend birthday parties in such households! I was simply told “ We do not do that”. I was angry and disappointed I missed those occasions; so with my own children I did allow them to attend parties in the homes of non obersvant people. They knew by a young age what they were permitted to eat and not and I tried to explain ,why, better than my parents simply saying “ We do not do that!” My now adult children keep kosher homes. And no complaints from them, or grandchildren! Reply

Yisroel Cotlar Cary, NC via chabadhouse.org.au May 22, 2014

Re: Antisemtism In the world today, we are so used to thinking that definitions create barriers and barriers cause hatred that we can begin think that to tolerant means to have no borders or to be the same.

But that isn't so. Tolerant means to embrace the differences amongst us, not to get rid of those differences and try to be the same. Tolerance means despite eating differently, dressing differently, or having a different set of values than much of society, we respect others and they respect us.

Antisemtism is sadly real. But we shouldn't use it to think we must be doing something wrong and change who we are. On the contrary, non-Jews respect Jews who respect themselves, respect Shabbos, respect Kosher....

History too tells us this. There was that feeling after the "enlightenment" that if we only looked the same and ate the same, we'd be treated the same. Sadly, the 20th century shows us how that is absolutely false. Antisemitism affects all us regardless of levels of observance, etc Reply

Yisroel Cotlar Cary, NC May 22, 2014

Re: Eating Non-Kosher food at Birthday Parties Thank you for your comment. The wording you use, "He/she already feels different enough without making it worse for him/her" and "adhere to rules" really express the difference in perspectives where are are coming from, and hence, the difference in opinion.

We're coming from the perspective that being a Jew is a tremendous gift. Indeed, in our prayers we declare things like"How fortunate are we..." Of course, a unique relationship with G-d comes along with special responsibilities but these are reflective in the incredible privilege we have, not something to feel "worse about."

Mitzvot in the Torah are not just "rules we have to obey", but rather, "opportunities to connect to G-d." Kosher as well as laws regarding shabbat or study of torah are gifts given to us allowing us to share a deep and special relationship with our infinite creator. When Judaism is instilled in this manner, kids sense its beauty and happily understand how they are special in what they ear, wear, do, etc Reply

Anonymous USA January 29, 2019

in response to Yisroel Cotlar:

Birthday party. Just say that your child is on a restricted diet and had to bring his or her own food and drink. Reply

Matisyahu Mack Berkeley, CA May 6, 2014

We just dealt with that very same scenario the other day. My son and I (I'm a single father) are fairly new to being observant ourselves and he was invited to a party this past Sunday. In our case, we know the family pretty well and they know we keep kosher. They've actually recently started this new gluten free diet so we sometimes talk about food and food restrictions nowadays.

Before going to the laser tag place where the party was being held, I prepared some food for my son and me complete with some kosher backed goods for when the cake was being served. Nobody batted an eye at us when we declined the pizza and cake when it was served (so much for their gluten free diet) and we were able to enjoy the real joy of kids birthdays which is celebrating great people and of course, trying to win at laser tag. Reply

Sara Brooklyn, NY April 27, 2014

@LioritH Birthday parties are actually a very Jewish idea! Your birthday is the day that your soul began its mission on earth, and it's a day to self-reflect and increase in good deeds. A birthday party (or if you want to call it a farbrengen, a Chassidic gathering) is a great way to thank G-d for giving us another year of life, and strengthen our commitment to Judaism together with friends.

There is actually a whole birthday section right here on the site, I can't post the link here but if you search "Jewish birthday" it should come up. Reply

Richard Rabinowitz Monroe Township April 25, 2014

I wonder if there is a basic menu of items that would be acceptable to all or most religions, or at least the ones followed by all but a few people. It seems that a vegetarian menu would be generally acceptable, although certain people from India might object to root vegetables or plants related to onions. Also, serving fish is generally acceptable, unless you're serving people from eastern Africa that speak Cushitic languages, folks from southern Africa who speak Bantu, or southwestern Native American tribes. Some of Judaism's laws of kashrut relating to fish have seeped into Islam, but not all of them, and the Shiites are stricter than the Sunni. Reply

Yisroe Cotlar Cary, NC April 25, 2014

Dishes Absolutely! Disposable plates, cups, and cutlery are what is always used... Reply

Anonymous Sydney via chabadhouse.org.au April 25, 2014

Adam,
Teaching a child that their religion will become a barrier between them and the non jewish world is not only inspiring antisemitism but displays ignorance beyond your years. I have many jewish and non jewish friends formed at early stages in my life, whom i met at social gatherings and I value them all. This may be our faith but it is not everyones. We must coexist as equals instead of alienating ourselves and children. As a jewish child living in the diaspora being kosher will not be the only obsticle, there may be parties on shabbos, travelling restrictions, and more, Surely, we must learn early in life that we make choices and not attending is not a choice. Reply

Barbara Niles Phoenix, Arizona April 24, 2014

Eating Non-Kosher food at Birthday Parties Please let your young children eat whatever is served at the birthday parties. He/she already feels different enough without making it worse for him/her. Don't send special foods that are kosher. He/she won't eat them. Don't bribe him/her with a special treat later. And definitely, do not make the child stay home. The non-kosher cake and ice cream is not going to make your child any less Jewish nor is your loving God going to be displeased with your child. Children in their growing up years need to be the same as others - not different. Let your children enjoy their childhood. There's plenty of time to adhere to the rules later.

PS: Please don't compare eating non-kosher foods to eating foods that cause allergies. One may be life threatening; the other is not. Reply

S UK January 28, 2020

in response to Barbara Niles:

Dear Barbara,

It is appreciative to read your comments. Keeping Kosher is more than the type of food one eats, or kosher dishes, kosher Kitchen. There is a more in depth spiritual meaning to keeping Kosher.

Giving a child a food box to take, rather than miss out on the party is a preferable option.

I totally agree, children should not be taught kosher is like an allergy.

Judaism is a way of life, and these little challenges will present themselves when one resides in a mixed community. It is a part of growing up, we all have to learn to make the correct choice and it is beautiful that parents care enough about their children making the correct choices. Reply

Mohammad Khan Sydney Australia April 24, 2014

My suggestions and comments Interesting topic and very timely. Inform the host of the parties that you are Jewish and you don't eat any food that is non kosher and other things that do come under the Biblical regulation. I am sure they will be happy to have some kosher food or either have everything kosher that will be acceptable to everyone. One good example is among the Fijian community and their understanding of each others culture. Hindus would not have non Halal food at their home if a muslim is invited, nor does Muslim have any food at parties that would not be acceptable to Hindu. Similarly European and Natives would not have any food which is non Halal if a muslim is invited. What matters here is the understanding of each others cultures. Therefore educating communities about each others cultures makes big differences and creates respect. Reply

angela hoffberg Richland, MS April 24, 2014

Adam, my thoughts are your thoughts concerning the dishes. I would be very kind in explaining to the other family I would be unable to attend. Reply

Anonymous ann arbor April 24, 2014

Our child learned from the age of 3 not to eat in birthday parties where none kosher food was served. We always gave to hosts a small package of snacks for our child to have, Reply

Susan Levitsky April 24, 2014

@Adam-Plasticware Plasticware is the answer to the problem of treif dishes and flatware. It's ideal for children and solves the problem. It costs only a few dollars at the dollar store even if the Kosher keeping guest's parents have to offer to supply it. Most mothers probably use it anyway because it's easy and doesn't break. A dollar store knife can also cut the cake. As the Rabbi said, a mitzvah has to have the joy, not just the oy. Reply

Anonymous Los Angeles April 24, 2014

Figure it out Oy Vey opps 4 extra posting - Keeping kosher shouldn't equal being anit-social. Plenty of people have dietary restrictions some medical, some personal preference not religious. Either feed the kid a proper kosher meal before so they won't be hungry, or pack something they can eat. Toss in a plastic fork and a paper plate if need be. Find a kosher granola bar. Your kid won't starve in 3 hrs. It is not a tragedy they'll avoid some junk? Be prepared and polite. "Thank you that looks wonderful." and eat what you brought, or just visit.

Don't use kosher as an excuse to be isolationist. Figure it out and how to manage in the big wide world. Who know seeing your kid keeping kosher out and about might introduce and encourage others to adopt a kosher life style.
The idea that you have to do everything everyone else is doing at a party is a silly notion. Ever had a pool party and a kid with an ear infection sits out. No big deal.

Make your choices navigating kosher life in the world. Reply

AbileneTx Abilene, Texas April 24, 2014

Dear Rabbi I always bring something with me when I am invited to events. I try to bring a fruit plate or some kind of dessert, and the host always thanks me for it. Therefore my family knows my plates and they know what I brought. Reply

anonymousme Los Angeles April 24, 2014

Oy Vey -- figure it out. Kosher shouldn't equal being anti-social Rather than become isolationists, figure out something that can be eaten. Or make sure the kid has had kosher food before attending the party, so they don't have to eat at the party. Is it a tragedy they won't have some junk food pizza or cake? If a kid has food allergies they have to learn what they can and what they can't eat. So figure it out in the big wide world and don't isolate yourself.

The idea that if you attend an event you have to do everything everyone else is. No. Ever had a pool party and kid with an ear infection had to sit out. No big deal. If you are kosher be kosher but that should not preclude you being sociable.

Plenty of people have a host of dietary restrictions -- some medical and not religious. The world is not going to cater to every person. Pack what special food you want/need and be prepared and polite. 'That looks wonderful, but no thank you. I'm fine I brought something I can eat though.' Find a kosher granola bar. The kid won't starve in 3hrs! Reply

Anonymous Melbourne, Australia via jewishmelbourne.com.au April 24, 2014

I am not kosher, however I always accommodate kosher kids by purchasing kosher food and serving it on disposable plates. However, I think this issue can be treated the same as having kids with allergies. Just BYO. My sister has kids with different allergies and brings along her own food and party bags to birthday parties rather than her kids miss out. Reply

Debbie M Basking Ridge, 07920-2506 via chabadcentral.org April 24, 2014

It's your responsibility--Kid can still have fun Just send along your own food. Plenty of other families do it for allergy reasons. There's no reason the kid shouldn't enjoy the fun of the party with friends.

I don't recommend relying on the hosts, bc there are so many additional issues, including dishes, etc.

You should still inform the host that your child will not eat the food, so the child won't appear to be rude by refusing. It may also start a good conversation with the host as to why. Reply

Question:

Response:

More in this section

You may also be interested in...

Join the Discussion