My Parents Don’t Want Me to Dress Modestly!

Dear Rachel,

My family and friends won’t accept that I want to wear only skirts. How can I help them understand my choice to dress modestly?

Distressed

Dear Distressed,

I commend you for your courageous decision to follow a more modest lifestyle. In today’s day and age, when pop culture screams at us to flaunt our physical attributes, and the word “modesty” has been practically deleted from our vocabularies, it is not so easy to embark on the path you have chosen.

There is a thin line between “attractive” and “attracting”; the one can be modest, the other is not. You can explain (respectfully) to your family and friends that the laws of modesty do not prevent you from looking attractive and classy; and make sure that you do indeed dress with dignity, and in clean and neat clothing.

Tell them that your choice is not just about a dress code. It is about wanting to be seen and accepted for who you areBut there is more to it. Your family and friends need to see that concomitant with becoming more outwardly modest, you are becoming a nicer, more respectful and more thoughtful daughter, sister, friend and human being. Reassure them that even though you are going through changes, you still love and respect them very much, and their opinions are still valuable to you.

Tell them that your choice is not just about a dress code. It is about wanting to be seen and accepted for who you are—your intellect, emotions and true character—and not for the shape of your body or your external attributes.

Being modest entails more than just dressing the part. The word for modesty in Hebrew is tzniut, which means being discreet and humble, and it is the hallmark and crown of the Jewish woman. Tzniut means comporting oneself with refinement and dignity in speech and behavior, as well as in dress.

As far as your friends are concerned, those who love you for who you are and not for what you look like will continue to be your friends if you continue to be theirs.

The bottom line is that being a better Torah Jew, and a modest one, means being a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend and a mentch.

See our section on modesty, Inner and Outer Beauty, on our Jewish Woman website.

Rachel

Answered by Chaya Sarah Silberberg

"Dear Rachel" is a column that is answered by a rotating group of experts. This question was answered by Chaya Sara Silberberg.

Chaya Sarah Silberberg serves as the rebbitzen of the Bais Chabad Torah Center in West Bloomfield, Michigan, since 1975. She also counsels, lectures, writes, and responds for Chabad.org's Ask the Rabbi service.

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23 Comments

C S Silberberg Michigan May 2, 2017

The comments are very helpful, but I’d like to add a couple more: 1. Make sure that you are always neat, clean, and well-groomed. 2. Understand that your mitzvah is yours to fulfill, not your mother. If you want clean modest clothing, YOU take charge of doing your own laundry. You don’t need a college degree to work a washer and dryer. Ask your mom how to work the machines, and take care of your own mitzvah. Big, impressive sign of maturity there. 3. Do you earn any money? Baby sitting? Other? Birthday gifts? Spend your own money on a couple of inexpensive skirts, and maybe a cardi to wear on top of those sleeveless or low cut dresses. Even if she doesn’t say anything, mom will be impressed by your putting your money where your mouth is. And by your maturity. 3. If mom insists that you wear jeans, slip a little skirt over them. You might start a new fashion trend… 4. If all else fails- get jeans that are modestly cut – not the skinny ones that look painted on. Good luck and G-d bless! Reply

Anonymous April 13, 2017

I am having the same problem only it's just my mom. I am very religious, and when I came across modesty I immediately wanted to dress modest to honor my God. But the problem is that my mom doesn't agree. She doesn't like barely anything I like so going shopping with her is almost impossible! And always end up with an argument. I have 2 skirts and 2 dresses that she bought, and even though SHE bought them, she yells at me when I wear them or try to make them more modest (1 dress is low cut and the other has no sleeves). She only wants me to wear skinny jeans and short shorts, and has told me that she will only allow me to wear jeans to high school. I have already gave up short shorts! But can't give up jeans because: 1. She won't let me.
2. I would be wearing the same two skirts everyday and my mom takes a while to do my laundry.
Please help! Reply

anonymous June 5, 2023

in response to Anonymous:

Maybe you can ask one of the local orthodox places to gift you some orthodox clothing somehow? Like a chabad or somewhere like that? Reply

Lisa Providence, RI April 30, 2013

Not Allowed to Dress Modestly? When you're a child, you don't have freedom of choice the same way adults do.

You need to tell your family and friends WHY you want to dress modestly:

1. You're uncomfortable showing too much skin.

2. You're uncomfortable with getting "unwanted attention" from boys.

3. You're comfortable "covering up."

4. You've considered becoming more religious.

Your family and friends may not like or agree with your decision, but if you're an adult, modest dressing is YOUR decision - whether they like it or not! Reply

Talia Hammond July 25, 2011

Similar problem I'm 17, and I've wanted to wear only skirts and dresses for over a year. Problem: my mother doesn't want me to. When I get turn 18, I'll try to get the things for myself, but that's me. Try this: talk to your parents, and tell them exactly why you want to do this. Tell them how important it is to you. Make them see that this is what YOU want. What YOU feel is right for YOU. You're growing up. This is part of it. They need to accept it. People will tell your parents to be patient, bu the truth is, you need to be. This is a huge change for your parents. YOU need to be patient with THEM. And make sure they know you understand what a big change this is for them. Show them you're mature, and they may respect you more for it. They may try harder to understand. Reply

Karen Joyce Chaya Fradle Kleinman Bell Riverside, CA July 17, 2011

This is a difficult situation, because On the one hand, you are taught to respect and honor your mother and father. On the other hand, you want to do what is right for you. It is hard for a parent to see his or her daughter WANT TO BE DIFFERENT than they are. Please understand this about your parents, and when you speak to them, show them you understand BEFORE you state your position. Tell them that you will ALWAYS love them and respect them, no matter what, and hope they will always love and respect you, no matter what. That will give them something else to consider rather than the dress code. WHO BUYS your clothes? This is another consideration. You may have to deal with having ONLY ONE skirt or dress that you wear all the time if they won't buy you clothes you feel appropriate. So, until you have your own job or husband, you are really stuck. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Good luck and let us know how things come about. Reply

Matthew Rand Staten Island, NY July 16, 2011

Dear Proudjew I must say that I am very impressed by your descision to dress modestly. I will give you an older man's perspective, (41 y.o.).

Personally, when I see a woman dress immodestly, it saddens me because she doesn't understand what true beauty is. Immodesty is just vulgar, and an immodestly dressed woman often accompanies other immodesties, like immodesty in speech. It is a big turn-off.

However, when I see a woman dressed modestly, it moves me. It compels me to respect her, and I want to act in a way that she approves of. In my opinion, it is the women that are the guardians of manners and modesty and good virtue. When the woman loses manners and modesty, what becomes of the household?

I don't come from a background of religious observance and modesty. I come from a background of the "hippie values" of the sixties. I have seen what immodesty has done to women. I'm glad you have been able to see the light. Reply

Karen Joyce Chaya Fradle Kleinman Bell Riverside, CA, USA May 2, 2011

You girls who choose to be modest, You need to be more than proud. You need to realize you are saving yourselves a whole lot of heartache by going the traditional way of teenagers and falling in love and having your hearts broken, and having to explain to guys why you won't do this and that. You are in a class of your own, and should be proud of yourselves. Don't make your parents or anyone else move you from your passions and desires to serve G-d in your own way. My suggestion would be to try to find other girls who share your ideas and hang out with them, and enjoy life in your own way. If your parents see you laughing, enjoying life, having humor, etc., they'll come around. Also, if you don't try to change them and their ways, they will appreciate it better. I can see if you decide your way is the best for you, but then you want THEM to also be like you are. Of course, that would be controlling on your part and your parents will balk and be angry. So, do what you do, but don't make your parents be the same. Reply

proudjew NY April 29, 2011

Thankyou. I already started keeping shabbat a long time ago and my parents are conservative and they see themselves as religious. They were ok with it when I started fully observing shabbat but it is hard for them to accept the fact that I want to be fully observant maybe because they see it us too much restrictions but it makes me really happy and I really want them to see it. It is hard for them to see me dressing modestly and not hanging out with boys because they see all the girls my age doing that and they do not want me to be different. I love how Bracha in Boston,MA explained it because that is exactly how I feel and I wish that others would see it the same way. Reply

Karen Joyce Chaya Fradle Kleinman Bell Riverside, Ca, USA April 28, 2011

Here is another thing you can say... You can tell your parents skirts are more comfortable. Reply

Bracha Boston, MA April 28, 2011

I completely understand! 1st off u should be so proud of yourself for dealing with the criticism i totally get it. I'm a baalas teshuva and skinny jeans were like a 2nd layer of skin to me now I rock skirts on the daily. I know what its like to have family/friends make fun of it. Fashion is crucial to my fam as it is to me but dressing modestly is 2. Is it so important that the creepy guy driving down the st knows every curve on your body? Does he deserve to know? If you dress in a way that makes it possible then your body is losing its value. ur body is sacred and to be cherished by the most important man in the world to you- your husband, hes being modest 4 u 2. I usually make a joke with my fam and try not to take it personally, they just dont get it and thats ok, they may never understand. Some consider a skirt to be a womans keepah. Our dress separates us in our appearance from the rest of the world. You look the most beautiful when you are modest, HKBH thinks so too. Hatzlacha, you have such strength. Reply

Karen Joyce Chaya Fradle Kleinman Bell Riverside, CA, USA April 27, 2011

ProudJew in NY, please show this to them.. Dear Parents,
You are probably wondering what is going on with your daughter, with this passion she has to become what you consider to be ultra-Orthodox, tantamount to your ideas of being in a religious sect. You know the implications of this as being more than just the dress. Soon, if you give in to her wanting to dress what you think of as frumpy, she'll also want to eat Kosher food, light the candles, turn off the TV and radio and computer and keep them off all Sabbath, etc., which would CHANGE your world incredibly. How far will she go with this, you wonder? You are thinking that dressing as she wants is not at all modest, but shows she is hiding her figure and has a low self-image. A word from a Grandma? Please, go with it as far as your patience will allow. Explain the consequences of her being in a different religious mindset being that she won't be able to do everything she wants until she's on her own. For now, give in to the dress changes. Have patience. Love! Reply

proudjew NY April 27, 2011

I am the girl who asked this question I am the girl who asked this question and I am a teenager. I appreciate the encouraging comments. I truly want to grow closer to hashem but the problem is that my family believes that if a girl has a nice body she should "show it off" and even though I still dress stylish it bothers them if my skirt is long or if I don't wear short sleeves in the summer. I am trying to take it slowly but it hurts me that my family openly rejects my values and critisize me because I want to follow the Torah and live my life as an observant jew. Reply

Karen Joyce Chaya Fradle Kleinman Bell Riverside, CA, USA April 21, 2011

Umm. I wonder how OLD is the person. If a child who lives with his/her parents, this is not such a black and white issue as described. It also depends on how the parents want the child to dress and why. We can't assume the parents want immodest dress. For example, the parents may want the child to wear long slacks during a hike in the mountains. Wearing a skirt would not be safe. It could snag and make the child slip and fall. I would personally need to know more before giving an answer. In those cases, one could put on a skirt OVER the slacks while traveling and then take the skirt off while hiking. Another suggestion would be, when shopping, to say something like, "I don't feel comfortable with my arms exposed" or some such statement. You are allowed to express discomfort to a parent without being disrespectful, right? Reply

Jocelyn Ruth Krieger Boca Raton, Fl April 1, 2011

WEARING SKIRTS A decision for dressing modestly is to be commended. Yet even wearing a skirt doesn't assure modesty. The length is important. My personal test when buying a skirt is to sit. If it covers my knees when seated, fine. Many forget that the back slits in long skirts are sometimes too revealing. I stitch mine to make sure nothin above my knees is exposed when walking.
Many believe tht since legs are covered while wearing slacks, it's OK. Exposing a division between one's legs is not modest, especially when the seat is revealing. Always remember that when you do something while others do not, it can be taken as criticism of them. Assure them that you respect their choice and you hope this will not hurt your relationship. What's important? To remember we are always in the presence of Hashem. Ask yourself, if I were standing in the presence of a king, would I dress this way? Reply

Rivkah Detroit March 30, 2011

Explain to them how it makes you feel. Do you feel closer to G-d? Do you feel like you're becoming a better Jew? The halacha states that the only time that you are able to disrespect your parents, is when they tell you not to do a mitzvah or a good deed. I'm not saying that you should go out and disrespect them however you should fight your way into telling them the truth. G-d respects you so much and he will help you through this. If G-d see's that you are helping; he will help you back. Reply

Anonymous Madison, NJ March 30, 2011

Modesty Rocks Just agreeing. Be confident in this choice. It's a good decision. Reply

Anonymous Mel, vic March 30, 2011

modesty There is an very good book on modesty by Wendy Shalit , written from a non religious perspective.It is worth reading. Reply

Hava Moss London, Israel March 26, 2011

To Anonymous, Mobile, AL:

I think it's the principle of wearing a skirt. In every rule, you can bend it to your own ideas. Understanding tzinus is to understand that wearing a mini-skirt / tight skirt is just as immodest as wearing trousers, and neither skirts nor loose-fitted trousers are "more acceptable". Reply

Sarah Jerusalem, Israel via jrcc.org March 25, 2011

No more problems I wish you,girl, to have only this problem in your life Reply

erica washington, dc via chabadva.org March 25, 2011

change is difficut for families Way to go young lady! One thing to know is that when we make changes like becoming tznius or keeping Shabbat is that we are very likely to encounter difficulties with friends and family. The reason for this is because your changes indirectly represent a source of challenge to them. It causes them to look at how they are leading heir own lives. And that sometimes makes people defensive and even angry. So be patient with them. Your transformation is yours alone. When they see how rich your life will become, they'll relax. Hatzlacha! Reply

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