Obnoxious Teenage Daughter

Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I am going nuts. I have a teenage daughter (age sixteen) who has turned into a totally obnoxious individual! She used to be a sweet girl, but for the past year or two, things have been getting more and more out of hand. I don’t think that I have made a request of her, made a comment, or tried to engage her in conversation without some kind of response that involved a major sigh, eye-rolling, or exasperation (“whatever”) in the tone of her response. It has gotten to the point where I spend very little time with her. I am really not interested in being with her, and, sadly, she doesn’t seem to want to spend time with me either. On the rare occasions that I have tried to spend time with her, it usually results in some kind of meltdown, and not just on her part. Is there anything that I can do in this seemingly helpless situation?

Given Up Mommy

Dear Given Up Mommy,

Welcome to the world of teenagedom! Many might call it teenagedoom, because, well, this is a very difficult point in development for both the kids and their parents. Parents everywhere can relate to your tales of woe, and many a potentially or previously good relationship can get either temporarily or permanently derailed around this time in a teen’s life. But, there are things that parents can do to try and make things better for all involved.

The first thing that you should try very hard to remember is that the teenage years are not just hard on the parents. This time in a child’s development wreaks havoc for the teen as well. Their bodies are changing, hormones are surging, and their brains are rapidly evolving as well. All of this is extremely disconcerting for them, and they are not even consciously aware of these feelings. For example, research has shown that the sleep cycle for a teenager shifts. Their bodies naturally want to go to sleep later, and consequently, they want to sleep longer in the mornings. Given the way most people’s schedules work, this is obviously not something that most teens can do, so many of them walk around perpetually tired. Coupling their constant state of exhaustion with body changes that may leave joints slightly achy and hormones grossly surging, and you get one unhappy person.

In terms of the emotional aspect of your relationship, remember that it’s up to you to be a stabilizing force in your child’s life. Make time every day to just spend time with her. There is probably some point in the day when she is more amenable to talking, and you should make every effort to be available then. Use this time just to chat. No requests, no reminders about the wet towel left on the toilet, just a time to schmooze. You may want to try and engage in this by “bribing” her with a favorite activity: going shopping, getting some pizza, going out for ice cream. You may meet with some initial resistance, but over time, with consistent, gentle effort, you should see some improvement.

If she is not willing/able/wanting to talk to you, then you talk to her. Tell her about your day, how things are going, something good or bad that happened during the day. This helps in different areas. First, you are teaching her some important skills, which include making small talk and sharing things about yourself. Second, by engaging her about your day, this will eventually encourage her to share things with you about her day. While you are talking to her about yourself, watch that it is not a ten-minute monologue, but rather that you offer pauses and other ways for her to join in.

Teenagers, like all of us, need to feel valued. Ask her what she thinks about different things in the house. These things could include what to make for dinner, what to wear for an evening out, where to hang a new picture, and how to handle a dilemma that you are experiencing. You are not obligated to necessarily follow her advice, but if you are asking her, then you must be willing to take it seriously, and you should on occasion follow what she says.

Make a point of reminding yourself everyday all of the positive aspects there are about her. “Nachat (appreciation) Reminder Moments” are useful for the parent, especially when there are seemingly few of them. Take out the baby album, watch her when she’s sleeping, or call upon a favorite memory to help sweeten your opinion of her on a daily basis. Even better, making a point of telling her about your special memories will make her feel good as well.

There is a famous book in contemporary Jewish literature called Planting and Building, a book on child rearing. The author, Rav Wolbe, talks about how a relationship with your child, like all relationships, takes time to develop and nurture. Like a growing thing, it needs to be cultivated and cared for to help it reach its potential. Therefore, it is important to focus on what your ultimate goal is for you and her. It sounds like you want to have a relationship with her, and that you would like to be close. This takes time, energy, and patience. Invest in your relationship with her by remaining calm in the face of her distraught behavior. By being a stable force for her, it will help her feel more stable. As mentioned previously, since teenagehood is such a time of upheaval, you are giving her a tremendous chesed by being calm.

I know that it’s challenging, frustrating, and seemingly bears little reward, but if you give it time, you will see how things will improve. Like a seed takes time to grow and reach its full status as a plant, so does your child need the same attention and care to reach her potential. Try to hang in there—being a teenager doesn’t last forever.

By Beryl Tritel

“Dear Rachel” is a column that is answered by a rotating group of experts. This question was answered by Beryl Tritel.

Beryl Tritel, MSW, is a therapist with offices in Jerusalem and Ramat Bet Shemesh. She has been living in Israel for over 10 years with her husband and their 5 kids. She also offers Skype sessions.

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115 Comments

alison london May 12, 2021

I'm not Jewish, but I stumbled upon this page because I have a nearly 14 year old who acts like she hates me and tells me what a rubbish mum I am almost on a daily basis. Anyway....It helps to read advice and other's experiences. I'm finding it sooooo hard not to react to her. She literally breaks my heart. How do you stay calm? I read the advice here and several other places and I try it all, but she doesn't want to give me a break. She doesn't want to talk to me. She's not interested in me or my day. She doesn't want to engage with me on any level and talking about her childhood and getting out the baby pics seems to just anger her. I really hope this is just a phase as that's what people keep telling me. She used to be my little sunshine. I hate my life right now. Reply

Mary Roberts Sydney Australia September 14, 2020

Thank you for sharing your frustration and for the reply with helpful tips. As a mother going through this with two daughters, I appreciate how how it is for them, but what I am finding is that I am exhausted and depressed by the experience. I really need more support and acknowledgement of the struggle so that I can find strength 'to remember how my daughters are feeling'. I feel very lonely when I hear more advice focussing on how daughters are feeling that doesn't spend as much time on acknowledging just how devastating it is to be on the receiving end. Most mothers already know that it's their job to do the nurturing, but especially mothers without mothers, or without a mother's group, finding a channel where the attention is on the mothers and the feeling of losing children, or of being heart-broken, would be most appreciated, especially if it came with the helpful advice of what to do in the day-to-day, rather than in that 'mostly' things work out once adulthood is reached. Reply

EI Australia July 5, 2020

Thanks for your advice, it’s nice not to feel so alone. Our 21 year old daughter is a physically late developer and we are going through all these issues somewhat late. She is a high achiever but highly anxious and depressive. She constantly doubts herself and has no self confidence. She gets on well with her Dad, and is absolutely sweet with her friends. I feel like I am her target for all of her ill-feelings. She “gaslights” me and makes me feel like I’m a mean person and that she’s afraid of me. She is constantly saying “sorry” in a scared way if I so much as look at her. She is passive aggressive and, for example, won’t answer if I ask her something (“I didn’t realise it required a reply”) and is then offended if I ever react. Which I have learned not to do, 99% of the time. Holidays are awful: she makes a point of getting upset over something minor early on and being in floods of tears over an imagined issue), which really kills the enjoyment. What to do??? Reply

Dpaw Nutley January 15, 2020

Omg... thank you all, for helping me not feel alone. My daughter is raging against me and this all happen in the last 6 months. I am doing my best and getting her therapy. We are going to visit a psychiatrist, because she may have depression. I have just accepted that I am doing my best and can only do so much. I set limits and don't let her get away with bad behavior. I demand respect and I equally give it to her. It is a work in progress. Thank you all for sharing! Reply

RuthChana June 22, 2019

It is so horrible when people call their daughters selfish. Why is she selfish? Because she doesn’t want to do what you want? Isn’t that pot calling kettle? Many teens are insensitive - that doesn’t mean they are selfish - it means they haven’t quite learned how to disagree politely. And if you are a strong willed parent, they may feel they have to push back hard to assert theirselves. Yes, it is horrid to have an insensitive person in your home suddenly rejecting everything you have built together for years. But I believe the key is in giving them opportunity to develop a sense of self while giving training in *etiquette*. I have a four year and a fourteen year old. The parallels are astonishing. One thing I know for sure is if you label your child selfish, she will reject you big time. Just like a toddler that is realizing they are separate from mommy - convey the non-negotiables firmly and dispassionately, give opportunity for making choices, but not complete free reign. Reply

Anony Mouse August 10, 2019

in response to RuthChana:

@Ruth Chana...Yes! Teenagers are in a selfish part of their development during those years. You have no right to shame this poor mother who is reaching out for advice. I applaud her for her already strong efforts, she needs kind advice not more badgering from a full grown woman with selfish and narcissistic outlook. If you have nothing nice to say...dont say a word. To Mother asking for advice. Give her space and check in with her...you dont have to stalk her and force yourself on her...she will resent you if you take that route. If in doubt...PRAY. Blessings. Reply

RuthChana December 31, 2019

in response to Anony:

I did not shame anyone. YOU “Anony” have no right to shame me for my advice. I expressed genuine dismay at a behavior that I know to be counterproductive. It is not selfish or narcissistic to think about *the child*. Give her space is exactly the advice I offered. Encourage goodness. Kindle every little spark of light; it will grow. Reply

Anonymous Dublin February 8, 2020

in response to Anony:

Well said👍 Reply

Chana January 22, 2020

in response to RuthChana:

I think maybe Ruth Chana isn't too far away from her teen years.

It's not reasonable to expect a 16-year-old to behave like a 50-year-old in terms of giving and being there for other people, contributing, etc. But you do need to tell them when they're not behaving acceptably.

Personally, I'm counting down the months till my 16-yo leaves home. And last night, after many conversations about how she treats others and how she's stopped contributing to the household at all, I told her so. I told her that nobody wants to live with someone who treats them with such disrespect, and uses other people rather than giving along with taking. I also told her that unless things changed, I'd be withdrawing my offer to let her live here while she went to college, because the prospect of six more years of this was more than I could take. She was pretty shocked. She's dug in and gone to her friends to hear about how right she is, but she's actually pretty sensible and will figure it out. Reply

Zia Australia May 1, 2020

in response to Chana:

Although she needs to be made aware of her behavior, telling her that you are waiting for her to leave was not right. She may be a troublesome teenager but you are a mature parent. You need to make her understand the value of family. If she’s sensible like you said, she’ll soon snap out of it. But make her know u love her as your daughter. Reply

chana July 8, 2020

in response to Zia:

Of course she knows, and she also knows that if she turns the behavior around, she'll be welcome to live here during college if she wants to save money. But she -- and all young people -- need to know that treating women badly and then expecting them to make a home for you is not in the cards. Teenagers imbibe misogyny along with the rest of the culture they're drinking in, and they act it out at home. The only way to stop it is to teach them that you won't accept it, and that if they want to go on with that, it's wrong, but they'll have to do it elsewhere, and not in your home.

Family is waiting for her, and she knows that, too. When she wants it, it's hers. But it cannot come with unrelenting disrespect and anger that people are not whoever she wants them to be in the moment. It will take her some years to work it out, I imagine, and help is here if she wants it, though I don't imagine she will very often. In the meantime I will get on with my life. Reply

Janejane September 24, 2020

in response to chana:

I love this comment. A lot of these behaviors are not acceptable, and teaching a kid to think that no matter how rude they are, their parents will be “understanding”...

Uh no.

They need to learn that it hurts their parents, siblings and home life. I think it’s totalllllllly ok for a parent to say, “You know what, I’m out. If you wanna come talk to me, come at me with a better outlook on your life, and be kind and maybe we can talk.” Nothing is wrong with addressing it!

This is why kids act the way they do. We don’t tell them to stop acting a fool, and we do not address behavior with a stern repercussions. They won’t break if you ignore their nastiness. They won’t break if you say, “Today, I don’t like who you are being and behaving like.” Maybe they will finally see that they cannot get away with being rude and destroying the rest of their home because they’re “in a mood”. Reply

Loraine S. Philly March 31, 2021

in response to chana:

Excellent response. It gives them the decision to behave properly or look at other options that they as legal adults have to go elsewhere with their thoughtless disrespect. Reply

Anonymous London May 3, 2019

My daughters behaviour had been escalating that a few months ago, I sent her to her fathers to cool of because she refused to apologise for her disrespectful behaviour. I have no idea what she’s told her father, the next thing I know she’s refusing to speak to me let alone return home. A father who’s never been in her life from day one, I raised her alone and worked tirelessly in the background to secure her a top scholarship to a top twenty school in the country. I can’t at the moment afford nice things that he is spending on her, she claims her mental well being is in danger with me.. I don’t know who this girl is anymore, what hurt the hardest is when I first found out she refused to come home I immediately had a heart attack, spent weeks in hospital then surgery before finally allowed home, to an empty house... not once did she then or now reached out to me to see if I am ok, before I went into surgery I was so frightened I wouldn’t wake up again and just cried non stop. Deep grief Reply

Anonymous Seattle May 3, 2019

in response to Anonymous:

I grieve with you..
Will pray for both you and your daughter.
This will pass but in the interim? In your tears and grief cry out to HaShem.. He knows your heart and He knows your the heart of your daughter.
Draw close to The Master of the Universe... In my thoughts & prayers I weep with you and wrap my arms around you sharing your pain and grief.. Reply

Guy Mullon Melbourn, Australia May 5, 2019

in response to Anonymous:

So sorry to hear your broken heart.

As the other reply to your post said, grieving with you.

Please remember though that the story isn't over. Many young people go away before they realise what good things they took for granted, and their own sin. Keep having hope, praying for her, and be ready for that day she comes back. Please keep believing one day she will come back, and then you will need to be ready to have a better relationship than you ever had before! Reply

Bella Oregon April 14, 2020

in response to Anonymous:

I feel for you and how badly you have been feeling because of your daughters lack of care for those things she should have been thankful to have had in her life. Mine is the same way, She told me to stop acting like the victim when I had cancer last year. I was wondering if things have gotten better between you two since then? now that she has gotten older and hopefully wiser? Reply

chana July 8, 2020

in response to Anonymous:

I hope things have gotten better for you since you posted.

This scene is so normal you couldn't sell it as a book. It happens all the time. She's an adolescent, she's gone to live with an adolescent, of course they've turned you into the devil. You can count on there being a therapist in the mix at some point who's happy to support the fairy tales. But at some point she'll grow up and he won't.

You can make all this easier on yourself by getting on with your own life. Go and live. Give to others when you feel like it; I guarantee they will show you more appreciation than your daughter has in the last five years. The happier you are when she comes to her senses (I hope for both your sakes that she does), the easier that reunion will be.

In the meantime, know you did your job. You raised and educated her well, and she'll be able to make her way. That's your achievement. In the meantime, do not allow anyone to slander you. Show them the door if they insist, and have a happy home. Reply

Anonymous February 26, 2019

We have exactly the same with both our older two girls (15 months apart 15 & 14 years). It wouldn't matter what was said, wasn't said, what freedoms they are given, what they aren't given, they're just exceptionally arrogant. Everything I do and say gets criticised to the nth degree. They can be pretty cruel at times and then blame me for their behaviour. Not much of it is rational. I've had to learn to not take anything they say to heart (easier said than done) and just ride through it. I'm expected to be the perfect parent and not make any mistakes. I can't even try to live up to that and I don't want to. It's exhausting and very unrewarding. Giving myself room to be human has helped, even if they don't. Reply

Anonymous February 26, 2019

in response to Anonymous:

Hugs...
I hear you!
This too shall pass... Reply

Anonymous November 6, 2018

Just searching the web & this grabbed me.
My almost 16 year old daughter according to all her teachers (school, music, martial arts) as well as the parents of her friends say she is a complete delight. I scratch my head.
When she wants something or my time she is sweet as honey. When I need her to do something or talk with me? I get grunts or “I’m reading or studying.”
Aware teenage brains are rewiring & hormones racing. I’m also aware that sleep cycles are adjusting. When she is just soooo tired, needs to nap when basic chores are left undone but suddenly is full of energy and excitement because her friend(s) just stopped by? Well? I just sometimes completely lose it! I’m a calm natured and soft spoken mother/person but it is just beyond my tolerance level.
Yesterday was so ugly I called my older married daughter’s husband come & take her to their home for 2 days until her father returns from a business trip. Was afraid I might say/do something that would only escalate ugly. Reply

Guy Mullon Australia November 6, 2018

in response to Anonymous:

As a father of 7 daughters, ages 22 down to 5, I hear your frustration. They can be so lovely to their friends, then horrid and grumpy to you and their siblings. I can hear you've tried not to take it personally, but it is so hard not too. Friendships and acceptance with peers is so important to teenagers, that they don't seem to have anything but their worst for their family. What can you do? In all honestly, you're relationship is not strong enough with them. You need to fix that and do what ever it takes, but at the same time give them space and grace. I don't know what will work in your situation ... but go some where with them (somewhere fun), road trip, work trip, holiday ... but also try and setup regular time with them for coffee and just ask questions, tell stories and listen. Build a friendship. No advice, no judgement. I know this sounds impossible. You can do it! Reply

Zia Australia May 1, 2020

in response to Anonymous:

To all the other heartbreaking comments, your daughter will soon realize their mistakes and come back. They might even be too late and regret it their whole lives. Right now, Stay strong and prioritize yourself while praying for her. I sincerely hope you rebuild your relationships as a family soon and have a happy life. Reply

Anonymous Seattle May 3, 2019

in response to Guy Mullon:

Took your advice...
It is working...
Also, since my original post? My daughter was diagnosed with a severe sleep disorder, heart arrhythmia, and severe sinus and nasal blockage. Surgery has since corrected the issues but it took ME really just spending quality non judgmental time with her to understand the issues she was really facing. I’m beyond thankful the root of her issues has been resolved.
I’m not saying things are “perfect” she is still a teenager and especially during the week prior to “that time of the month” she can be snappy and short. A good naturopathic physician has her on natural supplements that have made that “week” much easier for both my daughter and our relationship.. Reply

Chana January 22, 2020

in response to Guy Mullon:

Darling, I've done this. Mother after mother has done this. Result: we've spent hundreds or thousands we don't have on trips where they just punish us -- and then we're still supposed to find college money for them and retirement money for us. "Do whatever it takes" is just not helpful advice unless someone's willing to come back the other way.

Honestly if I could responsibly send mine somewhere else, I would. Maybe to you! Reply

Guy Mullon (guymulloncoaching.com) Melbourne, Australia May 5, 2019

in response to Anonymous:

Well done! So glad to hear you've made some progress.

You touch on a great point actually, that Naturopaths can provide some assistance with tonics that can help provide for calmer teens. So much is going on at that age, the chemical balances of brain and hormone don't have to be ignored, and you don't have to go down the path of pharmaceuticals. A slightly calmer teen then provides a better environment for you to spend that time relationship-building 1-on-1. I have a teenage son on the Autism spectrum and having something to help him calm down and think means the difference between being able to talk and not. Btw, I have 7 daughters, so it makes for a 'moody' home quite often - and it is those times when I am thankful I've put the work into building a good relationship base with each daughter. Reply

Anonymous Seattle May 6, 2019

in response to Guy Mullon (guymulloncoaching.com):

You are a beautiful, thoughtful, obviously prayerful father..
Every parent makes mistakes.. The key is learning from them.
With as many children you have been blessed with? Appears, you have much experience and I respect your opinions and thoughts. 7 daughters all in various hormonal cycles? Well, must be interesting to say the least!

I have worked with many children on various levels of the autistic spectrum... All I can say is when one is able to see through their eyes/emotions and figure out how to “reach” them in a positive way? One of my greatest joys. Every child is an individual/unique. What works for some does apply to all. With every child? When one finds ways to connect? (Usually, begin using traditional methods) but it takes deep thought, much prayer as I move beyond the box with them.. I love it but the children love it even more... Reply

Anonymous September 23, 2018

The nicest and most well adjusted teen girls I know had very close family relationships and were expected to socialise with the extended family and go on holidays with the whole family, were not allowed to have completely free access to social media and were kept busy with sport and homework. The rudest and most appallingly behaved teen girls I know of (including the daughter of a former friend) were allowed to do whatever they wanted, allowed to buy lots of makeup and clothes, given expensive mobile phones and allowed unfettered access to social media and the internet. My own 12 year old is becoming quite annoying now however so I know its not easy. Part of the problem is that she sees the girls with expensive phones on all types of social media who are allowed to wander around looking at shops all weekend and do whatever they want. In other words the main problem for me is OTHER PARENTS. Reply

Anonymous Denver, CO October 7, 2018

in response to Anonymous:

This is a pretty apathetic thing to say especially for those of us who are single parents. Although part of me agrees with some of what you're saying. Being a single working parent it's not easy to hover over every aspect you're referring. Once a person goes to work there is no real guarantee your child will maintain the rules; especially when there isn't another parent or family to help keep a child accountable.

You should really find out more about these other girls what kind of parenting situation they are in before posting judgement. Reply

Shelley MA January 21, 2019

in response to Anonymous:

This is how my husband has chosen to parent our daughter and his two children by a previous marriage. “Give them what they want, when they want it and deny them nothing!” is his parenting motto. And, because everything is his way or the highway, my attempts to parent my only beloved child in a reasonable way, that is, by saying no, by teaching her respect and responsibility, and emotional self-regulation, has been met with resistance, to say the least. Not only that but he really feels on some deep level that setting limits on a child’s behavior and say, “No!” is s form of child abuse. So now I have an 18 year old, self centered, demanding, disrespect teenaged bully calling all the shots and there’s nothing I’ve been able to do to stop. I don’t know what a parent is thinking when he or she believes the purpose of parenting is to create a child who is willful, self absorbed, demanding, disrespectful and pleasure seeking who becomes enraged when the world says no. Reply

Anonymous Belfast August 23, 2018

Hello
I've a 16 year old daughter who seems to completely hate me I've supported her in everything she has ever wanted more so than her older sister but every day she is so nasty to me.
We got her gcse results today not great but I continued to support her and tell her how proud I am and secured her a return place to school she went nuts. That wasn't totally a surprise to me but the past few years have been so hard I'm afraid to challenge her or parent her at times I just want to empower her to make good decisions for her future she is so intelligent just won't apply her self to spite her dad and I.... We I have no family support so I'm just throwing it out there 😱 Reply

Guy Mullon Australia November 6, 2018

in response to Anonymous:

So hard to respond with something helpful, so I apologize in advance if this sounds judgmental. My question would be, Who and what is enabling her bad behavior? ask others close to you for their perspective to answer that.

It is so hard to walk the balance between being patient and giving grace but also having lines in the sand that can not be crossed repeatedly. Perhaps you should take an honest look at how you are doing walking that line. Teenagers don't respect parents who easily fold and can be wrapped around their will. Reply

Daniella FULHAM GARDENS April 12, 2017

Please help.
I have a 14 year old daughter who has been diagnosed with depression after a survey by a psychologist.
My daughter seems to be depressed more so, when she doesn't get her own way or i say no to something. Particularly when shes in the wrong, the 'depression' comes up.
Generally she is lazy, rude, disrespectful and selfish. She also guilt trips me and manipulates me so i feel stupid mean.
My husband thinks im being soft and making it worse because of the depression. Myfriends tell me shes just a teenager.
Please help
An over it mum Reply

Guy Australia April 20, 2017

in response to Daniella :

Hi Daniella, I'm very sorry to hear of your situation. You are not alone with this. I have some questions for you ...Are you able to communicate with her or has she closed up completely? Is there a good-intentioned dad involved in her life? what are the key influences in her life like - music, friends, tv shows, because teens are highly impressionable as they look to work out their identity and value in the world. Are you involved in any religious community where their are good role models? Reply

Tracy PA October 19, 2018

in response to Daniella :

Add a comment...Over it mum,
I know it's been a while since you posted but I'm just reading it now, as my daughter is 14 and we are in the early stages of all this. I just wanted to say that your daughter may be lazy, rude, disrespectful, selfish AND depressed. Please don't minimize the depression as it is a real and diagnosable mental health issue. Treat the depression with therapy, medication or whatever you see fit but try to separate it from the other characteristics. Being depressed doesn't give her the right to be rude; disengaged maybe but not disrespectful. Reply

Anonymous October 14, 2016

It's part of human nature@g Here is why it is so miserable to live with a teen. Because, we, as human beings, are suppose to separate from the nest much earlier than 18 years old. I know that sounds very insane to most people reading, except to maybe those who are going through the torture right now. They get exactly what I mean. We are going against nature to force teens to stay at home until 18 years old. Everything we do today as society goes against human nature. School isn't for everyone. We are suppose to work and live off the land. Our bodies want to procreate as soon as we hit puberty. There are 3 human instincts: Hunger, survival and procreation. They cannot ever be defeated. So when we prevent nature from happening, it gets replaced by promiscuity, drinking, drugs, talking back, major attitude, so on and so forth. Now there are exceptions to the rule. There are teens out there that are nothing but a true pleasure to be around and they do everything they are suppose to be doing, but that is rare. Reply

Guy Australia April 20, 2017

in response to Anonymous:

I'm sorry you've had that experience, but teens who are are pleasure to be around aren't as rare as your experience has told you, and hence your interpretation of what's best during teenage years has been somewhat colored by this. There are plenty of communities of families that have a different experience. We are heavily influenced by others, and especially teens by their friends, and so I encourage families to get involved with communities that have families at their core with teens who are doing well. Learn, and have you and your teen influenced by them. I agree about school by the way, but more from the point of view that you have no control over the influence your teen has at school ... the wrong influence is very damaging. Reply

alison london May 12, 2021

in response to Anonymous:

Neither of my teens want to procreate, have boyfriends, drink, take drugs or even wear make up. I don't think it's going against nature to keep them at home. Mine definitely aren't ready to leave the nest, but still, one of them is giving me an unbelievably hard time in other ways. It's literally emotional torture, living with her. Reply

Guy Mullon Australia September 27, 2016

It is ALL about relationship - it can be awesome with your teen! Hi Beryl, I really like your snippets of advice in this article:
1. to spend one-one time with her daughter
2. find ways to show you value her
3. find things to be grateful for about her
4. focus on the ultimate goal of awesome relationship.
I know this is letter was from a mum, but I meet many dads who have the same concerns. It breaks their heart when all they hoped for with their daughter seems to be going up in smoke. I do have one important thing to add though. Mums and dads do not have to settle for grumpy, rebellious teenagers. It doesn't have to be so.As a daughter of 7 girls - some past or in their teenage years - I now enjoy relationships with them that are BETTER than they were when they were pre-teens. I don't want to discourage you by this, but rather I want to encourage all mums and dads that it is possible to have awesome relationships with your teenage girls. Keep going. Get the right skills. Pursue your daughter.Thanks for the great article. Reply

Anonymous Parkton September 12, 2016

Nice to read about other parents with teenage daughter's that make u can't stand being around.I'm a 40 yr. old father of a 17 year old that hate's me and my wife.My 40 year old wife has Mastatistic breast cancer in her lungs.It come back from 08'.Trying to stay strong for her and trying to keep daughter on a straight path with school.Thanks for having post for me to read and not feel alone. Reply

mercia May 8, 2018

in response to Anonymous:

really hope it all worked out in the end for your family. Reply

Anonymous Rockwall July 17, 2016

eb 14,2014 update response to real life solutions I posted originally on 2/14/14 and again on 12/1/15. It is now 7/17/16 and things have finally shown a little bit of improvement. This all began when she was 14 and she is now 20. I see that the last post calls the advice patronizing and I sense lots of anger there. I completely understand the anger part because I was so mad at my daughter for everything she was doing to herself..her family ...her father who never seemed to lose his temper and ME! I hated her and could not believe I would feel that way. Anger, shame and pain were all I have felt. I learned to be grateful for 5 min of happiness...learned compassion for other parents...to set hard boundaries and avoid expecting her to change. I learned to remove expectations even that she might outlive me. Too bad her 14 yr old sis is acting up. But I am an experienced mom now and I know that if someone wants to learn the hard way let them. I am grateful for this site because it lets me know I am NOT ALONE. Reply

Anonymous England July 15, 2016

The advice is patronizing I found this site because I have struggled with my daughter since she was three. My first two children were fine ...ups and downs but fine... She has put such a horrible strain on the whole family. Now divorced after twenty years I've had to deal with her on my own. Since she was eight (now seventeen) she has the ability to send me in the depths of depression and I find myself hiding in my bedroom with a lock on the door. I've tried all the advice detailed here as I m sure most of you have. I think you come to find places like this because you've tried all the options described and nothing seems to work. Reply

Anonymous May 9, 2016

We learned several months ago, that our daughter is bipolar and has general anxiety disorder. Once she was put on medication, something she refused for years, many things have improved. her moods are now much more stable, she eats some meals with us and talks to her dad. She is much easier to parent and get along with. Reply

Anonymous Florida May 8, 2016

Wow I am so glad I found this thread. My 14 year old daughter is the most disrespectful, ungrateful, selfish person I have ever known. I feel like no matter what I do for her it is never enough. We constantly fight because I am so over the disrespect. She has gotten suspended from school twice this year and once was for fighting. She acts like it's no big deal. As sad as it sounds I count the days til she is 18 and old enough to move out. She says I'm a bad mom because I'm in her business. She does nothing to help me around the house, constantly talks back and treats me like crap but yet I'm supposed to bend over backwards for her and give her everything she wants. I'm at my breaking point. Reply

Daniella FULHAM GARDENS April 12, 2017

in response to Anonymous:

I felt like these were my words, i had originally wrote a post and lost it. So when i saw this i thought 'oh there is my post '.
I feel exactly the same, its starting to get me down. I hope she changes soon. Reply

Anonymous UK May 13, 2017

in response to Anonymous:

Hello Anonymous Florida.
I can totally relate to what you are saying. It might help though to think that it is a 'transient time' which you can both come through together: she is counting on you and you are her only hope - be her saviour! I found with my daughter that she had pyroluria-type symptoms - severe zinc & B6 deficiency - some teens genuinely have pyroluria (look it up!!!) whilst others have pyroluria-type temporary symptoms because they are going through growth spurts - that means they are using all their zinc/B up for the growth spurts and that leaves them sort which equals hormonal and deficiency issues. I can tell you it is worth trying supplements of magnesium & B6 and 15mg zinc each night after supper - tell her anything - that they will prevent spots, help with growth, help with menstrual issues, anything, but get her to take them. Within a couple of weeks reason and calm may begin to return - it worked for us.Hang on in there - she won't be like it forever. Reply

Yolanda Australia November 12, 2017

in response to Anonymous:

I feel your pain - exactly what is happening to me. My 16yr old daughter has taken paracetomol overdoses twice in the last two years so I try not to upset her - however, she upsets me. I'm going through stressful house renovations at the moment so , for example, this morning she had to get the bus to school and she told me to stay away from her because she was angry I wouldn't drive her. I was never driven anywhere as a kid but she feels I have nothing to do except cater to her and gets very angry and abusive when I say 'no' to something. I actually don't like her at all but have to pretend I am interested because I had a bad relationship with my mother and I don't want to perpetuate that. Reply

Yolanda Australia November 12, 2017

in response to Daniella :

Me too Daniella - lots of miserable mothers around I think. Why do we do it? I live alone with my sixteen year old. She's rude, selfish, uncaring, mean, lazy etc. It is a great disappointment because she was a bright young child. People tell me eventually it will pass but it's been a hard couple of years with no end in sight. Reply

Anonymous local asylum March 17, 2016

NO!!!! this woman is telling you how desperate she is and all you can do is advise her to do the things she has tried to do and failed!! This 'teenage' behaviour is torture and I for one am looking for a flat and moving out of our home because I am becoming depressed and ill due to the constant stress and unpleasant atmosphere in my home - directly caused by my teenage daughter. So cut her some slack when she says she is struggling its a nightmare that we cannot wake up from. Reply

Anonymous April 19, 2018

in response to Anonymous:

Please do NOT abandon your daughter, your job is to raise her, you chose to be a Mother. My mother did this to me and i suffered because of it all my life. Become an expert on the subject instead, seek HaShem and experts on the subjects, its not all about you! Reply

Yolanda Australia February 25, 2019

in response to Anonymous:

Did it ever get any better? Reply

Not in Texas anymore Kansas March 12, 2016

I posted about 2 years ago and my situation was about as sad as it could get. Things aren't perfect now but they have vastly improved. My husband and I have divorced and maybe that was the real problem. But my daughter and I have patched things up with better understanding. She and I are a great deal closer. I posted this because I wanted all of you to know it does get better! They grow up and we grow as adults. Reply

Yolanda Australia November 12, 2017

in response to Not in Texas anymore:

I hope you are right. Reply

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